Ahhhh, stockings. The first, and sadly not the last, attempt to combine the trash can and the gift giving process. We know all the usual stuffers: candy, nips, etc. What we thought we’d do here at This Blog Rules is offer a few ideas that might actually last beyond ten seconds in your family’s memories.
#10) Fake Computer Keys
Yes, these exist, still. Even though they look like they’re from an IBM keyboard model that is really only used by your grandfather on the PC he got for ten bucks at the church rummage sale, apparently there’s enough of a demand for them for them to still be available. So give them to either the computer fetishist you know, or your grandparents. Either way, it’ll cater to their sense of humor.
#9) Edible Candy Cane Shot Glasses
One of the best parts of Christmas is being able to drink, which allows you to put up with your family long enough to get presents before you all pass out, then wake up a few hours later vaguely ashamed and ready to leave. So why not combine that with candy canes? Do the shot, eat the glass, offer a pray for forgetfulness. It’s the most courteous gift dysfunctional families can give each other.
#8) Dysfunctional Family Bingo
Maybe your family has finally driven you, or one of your family members, to AA. God knows it’s happened to us. So, for those who can’t consume vast amounts of the traditional Christmas Mind Erasers, give them these bingo cards. You can use your year chips for markers!
#7) Catapult Spoon
Another ritual that takes a lot of endurance is Christmas dinner, wherein people who cook a few times a year prepare a meal far beyond their abilities for a group of people who are barely able to taste it. So give out gifts that liven up the dinner, like this food flinger that will finally get across just how little you like the Tuna Ritz Casserole Surprise (the surprise? No tuna.)
#6) Bacon Gumballs
OK, OK, bacon has become far too trendy. But that said, it’s always fun to surprise people with vile gum, so we present gum that tastes like a pork product some nutritionists refuse to accept as a meat. Give your family the surprise of the evening, not to mention something edible.
#5) Uranium Soap
Fun with soap is a Christmas tradition, as we are apparently have to give our family cleaning products to drop a subtle hint about how much they smell. So, for the ones who can’t even pay the electric bill, give them the soap that glows. And possibly sterilizes.
Another Christmas tradition are writing utensils, which are apparently rare enough to qualify as a gift to be crammed into stockings. So have some fun with it at least, and give them Smencils, the pencils that smell funny. Wait, that came out wrong.
#3) Fetus Cookie Cutter
Yeah, you don’t need us to explain this one.
#2) Candy Urine Samples
Wait, these taste sour? Shouldn’t they taste like asparagus? Eggs? Something along those lines?
#1) Whiskey Stones
Finally, you can achieve the dream of many across the country, giving your annoying relatives rocks. OK, technically these are useful rocks. They’re used instead of ice cubes; freeze them, dump them in your whiskey, and you have a cool, soothing item in your drink that won’t water it down. So give everyone rocks for Christmas! Hooray!