WASHINGTON — The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration issued a statement Monday criminalizing the manufacture, sale and possession of the popular online computer game World of Warcraft (WoW), sending the global gaming community into an amusing yet sad fit of epileptic shock. The emergency proclamation was accompanied by a concurrent deployment of 13,000 “gamer euthanasia squads” to “help gaming addicts help themselves, in a humane and dignified manner,” the statement read.
Those who play too many video games leading to internet addiction will be affected by this recent DEA proclamation.
Citing several hundred YouTube videos, the DEA pointed to evidence that gaming leads to a rapid deterioration of reality, spasmodic confibulation of the brain, ectoplasmic Cheeto coma, terrible lizard behind you, Dumbo bubbles, a condition called “universe blinking,” six equals hammer quest, Gore Tex moccasin blech, fantastic shadows upon the cat, grown-man pants pissing, bologna chin, horrible decorating sense, Pig-Pen reincarnation, Oprah couch-glee, faux carnage pursuit, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, a complete and utter loss of cool, the spontaneous rearrangement of the major organs as the tortured soul seeks desperately to slough off this mortal coil, and the bitchification of the significant other.
“World of Warcraft, while awesome, not that I would know, is retarding our children,” DEA Chief Donald Appleton said in a press conference. “As well as our grownups. Crack cocaine, methamphetamines — yes, those are pretty rad. But World of Warcraft? Come on. Look at this guy. You’re gonna love this.”
Appleton then projected onto the wall a YouTube video depicting a German kid freaking out because he could not log in to World of Warcraft, eliciting general laughter and scattered murmurs of “Oh my God” among the press corps.
The euthanasia squads, which were assembled from the ranks of Special Forces units throughout the U.S. military, initiated the mercy-killing spree at 5:00 a.m. this morning. Nineteen thousand gamers have been put down at the time of this writing, much to the smug satisfaction of their attention-starved, inexplicably hot girlfriends.
“It serves him right,” said Samantha Peterson, whose gamer boyfriend was gunned down several hours ago. “Maybe he’ll finally stop playing that stupid game for, like, five whole minutes, for once. It’s like, hellooo, I’m right here.”
Will Conley reported from beyond the edge reason.
PARENTAL WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEOS DEPICT GOOD PEOPLE WITH SERIOUS VIDEO GAME ADDICTION ISSUES EXHIBITING EXTREMELY FOUL LANGUAGE. Enjoy!