7 Ways Science Wants to Hack Your Body To Cure It

Medical Science has made great advancements in the last 100 years, what with discovering DNA, wiping out smallpox, increasing life expectancy by decades and creating vaccines and medicines that put Dr. Quack’s Patented Snake Oil Cure-All to shame.

Still no cure for quack science.

Despite all these advancements, there are several diseases science has left to cure. After years of trying to synthesize new cures in a lab and test every weed in the rainforest, science is throwing the sterilize gloves off and taking the fight to the source. Rather than wait for a cure from the outside, scientists are going Dr. House and hacking your own body’s systems and parts to find a cure for disease.

1. Scientists Are Hacking Sperm Cells to Cure Diabetes

Type 1 diabetes is a condition caused by the body attacking insulin producing cells in the pancreas, making blood sugar spike and patients unable to get energy from their food. The disease is fatal if left untreated. While science has created a fix by placing human insulin genes into bacteria to make medicinal insulin, the process requires diabetics inject themselves frequently, making them as reliant on the needle as a heroin junkie.

Diabetes patient or heroin junkie?

While this technique has saved millions of lives, science is never satisfied with half ass solutions. Scientist want to cure diabetes altogether, not rely on merely treating it. And if your a guy with diabetes, you may already have the cure with you right now, between you legs.

Walk with us and we'll explain.

Scientists from Georgetown a working on a way of replacing the lost insulin producing cells. While previous techniques required pulling islet cells from cadavers, that process requires immunosuppressant drugs and risked an inevitable zombie outbreak. Their system seeks to use a diabetic’s own sperm cells to replace the lost cells, which the body doesn’t reject. So a the cure for diabetes may replace the needle with your own wang.

But before you jump off our site to surf porn to help you “Self-medicate”, know that it’s a little more complicated than that. It isn’t the sperm that shoots out that is used, but stem cells from the testicular tissue that creates the sperm. Scientist take stem cells and prod them to becoming islet cells. Tests on mice have shown promise, but have yet to be tested on humans and currently don’t produce enough cells to be a cure. But given enough time to play around with it scientist are sure a happy ending will soon come.

Source: http://news.sciencemag.org/sciencenow/2010/12/sperm-may-hold-cure-for-diabetes.html

2. Science Uses Bone Marrow To Cure AIDS Patient

HIV is a disease that attacks the bodies immune system, including the T-cells made in bone marrow. The bone marrow is also a the source of blood for the human body, so simply getting rid of the infected bone marrow is not an easy option. Even donated bone marrow can get reinfected by HIV. The only known cure has been magic.

However, there is a small portion of the human population that has immunity to HIV due to a mutation in their blood cells. In 2007 Timothy Ray Brown, an AIDS patient also suffering from leukemia, got a bone marrow donation after chemotherapy wiped out his existing marrow. The new bone marrow came from a donor that had the rare mutation that made the blood immune to HIV infection. By 2010 doctors studying him determined that he was completely cured of AIDS after multiple tests turned up no sign of HIV.

Before you go out and get that discount hooker with the lazy eye, the medical miracle is limited by the low amount of donors with the mutation and issues of being able to match tissue. Unless you have a perfectly matched donor and a ridiculously lenient insurance policy, stick with safe sex.


3. STD’s Being Used To Cure Other Diseases

What separates science from the everyday is that they see potential in things we ordinary people see as horrible. Just as scientists found penicillin in what we would see as disgusting mold, even horrible things like STDs are a playground for scientists to find cures for even worse diseases.  Remember that the next time you’re hooking up with someone.

Somewhere in this group is a cure for childhood leukemia.

For instance HIV has been used in gene therapy to cure at least two types of blood diseases. In 2010 French scientists used a defanged version of HIV to inject cells into a teenager suffering from beta-thalassemia, which can cause deadly anemia. The scientists removed bone marrow and had the modified HIV inject a correct gene into the marrow. The bad marrow was killed with radiation and the new marrow was injected. The procedure allowed the teenager to go off of blood transfusions. This the second disease cured by HIV. Previously the virus cured two boys of adrenoleukodystrophy, another rare blood disease.

4. Scientists Hacking Fat Cells For Reconstruction Purposes

If there is one thing Americans have no shortage of, it’s fat. Other than the Paper Street Soap company, capitalism has so far failed in creating a way to monetize that fat into a useful product to sell back to the fatties that constitute a majority of our nation. But that may change.

Scientists in Italy have found that fat tissues be used as stem cells in and filler material in reconstructive surgery. For instance, women undergoing mastectomy for breast could have donor fat tissue brought in to build their breasts.

More likely, at least from a business standpoint, it’ll be repurposed for more cosmetic uses. It’s possible that one day shallow people will be able to have their fat asses liposuction out, only to come back a few weeks later to have their process fat reinjected to reduce wrinkles, get a new nose or to make bigger boobs.

Hail Science!

5. Human Brain Cells Used To Cure Diseases

Scientists are satisfied using only their brains to cure diseases. They want to use donor brains to cure a number of neurological issues that result from a faulty brain.


Researchers at the University of Rochester in New York have used human brain tissue to cure deliberating brain disorders in mice. They used human glial progenitor cells, which make cells that produce myelin, the protective coating on nerve. The coating is like a plastic insulation on electrical wires; without it, signals can end up going anywhere.

Researchers inject mutant shiverer mice (suffering from mouse Parkison’s) with the human cells, which rebuilt the brain of the mice and recoated the neural networks, curing them of the disease.

And a marked increase in plans to take over the world.

The human implications are potential cures for diseases like multiple sclerosis.


6. Science Uses Muscles to Make Natural Pacemakers in Rats

Heart disease is one of the leading killers in America. Hearts can fail from genetic defects, disease and stress. Often doctors use pacemakers that regulate the heartbeat, but the batteries need to be replace every couple of years and several models are recalled for being defective.

Any model made by Weyland-Yutani should be avoided.

Scientists at Harvard and Childrens Hospital Boston decided to test a device that used muscle cells from the back of rats to replace the part of the heart that regulated heartbeat. The young muscle cells were held into a device made of collagen and sewn to the heart. The muscles were prodded into regulating the heart. In one third of the rats the initial system grew new heart electrical pathways and helped them live a full lifetime for a rat.

Combine the reconstructive properties of fat with the use of back muscle for the heart, and soon back-titties may be the leading cure of disease in America.

You could save a small city with these.


7. Breast Milk Cures Cancer

There isn’t much need for us to add any more reason to appreciate boobies. They bring so much joy and happiness to the world, they basically carry their own weight.

But showing they are truly the greatest gift to mankind, these mammaries can also cure cancer. Scientist have found that a substance in breast milk called HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made LEthal to Tumour cells) can kill cancer.

Science is still trying to figure out whether the substance occurs naturally in breast milk, or when consumed and digested. (They have been understandably distracted) But research has turned up 40 types of cancer that can be treated with HAMLET, and they are researching more.

Some people aren’t waiting for science to pass a final verdict. Tim Browne of Wiltshire England credits his daily regiment of breast milk for curing his colon cancer. Which might be well and good if the donor wasn’t his own daughter. Creepy as it is, Browne, in an interview, defended his decision.

“If I have a lactating daughter, why not take advantage of her?” Browne said.

Hey Tim, you’re not helping you case there.

Article by Philip Moon

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