Vampires are back and bigger than ever, unfortunately largely due to what might be considered by some (come on, I’m sure I’m not alone here) to be rather unfavorable depictions. Vampires used to be scary, badass or just plain mean, and we were okay with that. But times have changed. Do we really want our children to grow up in a world where vampires are the pansies of the supernatural stable, sparkling in the sunlight and drinking down more angst than red stuff? I think not. I mean, your grandma would probably be able to steal the majority of today’s vampires’ blood money without a second thought. In short, today’s vampires suck, and not in a good way. Ready your stakes; it’s time to perform some mercy-slayings.

As a journalist, I owe it to my readers to back my objective reporting with the most convincing statistics I can think up. For example, when I report that This Blog Rules is now the most highly trafficked website on the Internet, it is my responsibility to append such reassuring phrases as “according to,” “research shows” or “I’ll bet dollars to donuts you won’t look this up yourself.”