There is a large segment of the world’s population that are extreme masochists, whether they realize it or not. No, these people don’t inadvertently cut themselves shaving because they relish the sight of their own blood or anything stupid like that, they simply put hot sauce on absolutely everything because “it makes it taste better.”
There is nothing wrong with adding a little spice to your taco, or your sex life, for that matter. But, like sex, hot sauce can be taken too far, to the point where it transformed from a little added excitement to embarrassing explanations to inquiring police officers about inexplicable explosions in your apartment building.
To understand the stupidity of these sauces, you have to understand the Scoville Scale. The Scoville Scale was devised by the Spice Doctor himself, Dr. Scoville, to determine how much capsaicin, the substance that creates spice, is in a chili pepper or anything else. For reference, Tabasco Sauce, one of the most popular hot sauces in the world, weighs in at about 2,000 Scovilles, about the same as a jalapeno pepper.
But Tabasco is positively tame compared to the rest of the flames in a bottle on this list here. I have selected 10 sauces to outline the crazy for you in lovely list form. Yay, list form.
1.) Psycho Sauce
Clocking in at 89,000 Scovilles, Psycho Sauce is amongst the low end on the spice pole. It’s description reads “It’s a crazy world out there… and this is a crazy sauce. Be prepared. Why mess around? This one does not.”
Clocking in at 175,000 Scovilles, this sauce is recommended to be added to food whilst cooking, as opposed to pouring on food on your plate. And for the love of Christ, do not use more than one drop if you don’t want to die a flaming death.
3.) 357 Mad Dog Hot Sauce
True to its name, this sauce rates 357,000 Scovilles. A lethal mix of chili extract, habanero peppers and super cayenne peppers designed to melt your face off.
The bottle looks deceiving, it’s a cute little bear made of glass. But much like a real bear, if you underestimate it will ruin your face. It rates in at 750,000 Scovilles, and has a warning to keep it out of the hands of children, the elderly, people with heart problems, and pets.
It’s a white hot sauce, that you’re supposed to mix into a drink to make things like Hot Martinis, but be wary, this bastard is 500 times the strength of Tobasco sauce and the first on our list to crack the million Scoville mark.
6.) Wanza’s Wicked Temptation
Clocking in at 2 million Scovilles, this high rating only rates 4 chili peppers on the website’s heat scale, which I find a little shady.
7.) Magma 4
This sauce is so hot (4 million Scovilles) the company only made 129 bottles of this pure death in a bottle. The sauce is so hot the capsaicin clumps and doesn’t float like other sauces.
This sauce is listed as 7.1 million Scovilles. For some reference to just how hot that is, it’s about the same as police grade pepper spray. You know, the shit they spray in your eyes when you’re high on PCP and just threw a fire extinguisher at a police cruiser. Yes, it’s that hot, and we still have 2 sauces to go.
This extremely rare sauce is rated at 12 freaking million Scovilles, and only 100 of them were produced, probably for the same reason only a limited number of atomic bombs were made: safety concerns.
This is it. This is as hot as hot sauces can go. This is the top of the line Blair calls their Death Sauces, and for a reason. This sauce rates at 16 million Scovilles. This is significant because 16 million is the top of the scale, 16 million is pure capsaicin, and it would no doubt do unpleasant things to your gastrointestinal system if you ever ingested it.
One final note. I sat in my living room writing this article on May 1, 2011, at about 1PM. I had no idea at the time, but while I was researching mind melting hot sauces, across the world in Pakistan, a team of crack Navy SEALs were engaging a group of terrorists in a manor house in a populated area. They killed 5 people, and took one body back with them. I dedicate this article to the memory of Osama bin Laden. I hope you like your sauce hot, Osama. Because, where you’re headed, the sauce, and everything else, is really, really hot.
By Ben Adelman