James Bond is cool. We know he is and we love him for it. But Bond’s gadgets and suave sex appeal (if you’re into that sort of thing) are not the only reasons for the franchise’s fan base and longevity over the past decades. It is the villain, the rival, the nemesis of Mr. Bond – and his continued distinction and rogue tactics – that has brought the books and the films to the fore of franchising. But who have been Bond’s greatest adversaries?

5. Maximillian Largo

Bringing up the rear at number five, but a personal favourite of mine is Maximillian Largo, from the 1983 film Never Say Never Again. Why is he a personal favourite? He is played by Klaus Maria Brandauer, one of the genuinely talented actors to stand up against the maestro in the film series. Brandauer was nominated for an Oscar for his role as the Baron and big game hunter in 1986’s Out of Africa, and his talent brings an added element to the rivalry, as he and Sean Connery are well-matched in ability.

When the two meet and engage in a then-spellbinding 3D game, Domination, there is a genuine spark between the two, a nice recognition of talent in an altogether popcorn-popular affair. It reminds me of a modern jail cell interaction between of Misters Bale and Ledger. Memorable and goose bump-inducing. Just watch Brandauer stalk around the mirrored room, wielding an axe and destroying his reflections like unfaithful lovers:

They met when Largo tries to take control of a nuclear weapon to destroy the Middle East’s underground oil reserves. He is thwarted by Bond (would you have guessed?), and then killed by his lover with a harpoon to the side. Harsh. Although, he did kill her brother. All’s fare in love and nuclear warfare, I suppose.

It’s a real shame that Brandauer hasn’t made it into more English-speaking productions, (check out Francis Ford Coppola’s Tetro, film fanatics,) but nonetheless a great battle between two fantasic characters and actors.

4. Max Zorin

Those of us newly embracing the Bond franchise will be pleasantly surprised to find the one and only Christopher Walken appear in the 1985 film A View to a Kill as Max Zorin. David Bowie decided against taking the role – “I didn’t want to spend five months watching my stunt double fall off cliffs” – which worked out well for Walken fans, myself included. While it would have been a joy to see Bowie and Grace Jones chasing down Roger Moore, it’s just as charming to have Walken next to Jones – quite an intimidating team for any Bond to face.

Granted, the primary reason Zorin is a favourite Bond villain is because it is Walken doing his patented off-kilter mumblings, but the character himself has a lot to offer also. Zorin hides behind the guise of a French Industrialist, is a convincing innocent to the untrained eye, and apparently speaks five languages with no hint of an accent. I too was disappointed when Walken made no attempt at any Deutsch or Français, but his broken-rhythm English will always be good enough for me; “Alive, and well, I see.”

3. Oddjob

More a henchman than a villain, technically, but number three on the list is the wonderful hatted one, Oddjob. The burly Hawaiian Harold Sakata plays the henchman to Auric Goldfinger and is most known for his smart suit and razor-tipped bowler hat, which he uses as a projectile to decapitate enemies. Very charming. He doubles as Goldfinger’s personal assistant, acting as his bodyguard, chauffeur and even his caddy.

Completely infallible to any physical pressures, with gold bars bouncing off his chest and golf balls being crushed in his bare hands, Bond must use his uncanny wit to outsmart his foe, which in Goldfinger involves electrocuting him. Sticks and stones won’t break my bones, but sparks will always fry me. Hardy har.

It is always less impressive when your main rival is carrying around another’s golf clubs, but Oddjob certainly makes up for it. Another strong and silent threat that comes so close to being Bond’s match.

2. Jaws

Towering at over 7 feet tall, and with a set of choppers befitting a metallic shark, Jaws is the second greatest Bond villain of all time. Featuring in both The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker, and played by Richard Kiel, Jaws is silent and deadly, with little to say, with even less taking a toll on him physically.

Before breaking into acting Kiel had a rather creepy job selling cemetery plots, but made his break into a variety of television shows in the 1960’s. Inspiration perhaps for this role as powerful pest to Bond, with his dress and demeanour more than befitting a cemetery. He only speaks once, which adds to his towering stature. The one line he does speak is surprisingly touching too, when he toasts his girlfriend in Moonraker; “Well, here’s to us.” A fascinating peek behind the monstrous top layer. Young teen-vamp audiences could learn a thing or two from Jaws’ no nonsense approach to the jugular vein.

1. Blofeld

Without a doubt the greatest Bond Villain of all time is Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Not the one played by Max Von Sydow, or Kojak, or any actor other than Donald Pleasance in the 1967 film You Only Live Twice. The character has featured in seven Bond features, showing some great staying power, and it’s not surprising why, with the scarred menace stroking his cat continuously. It is here in You Only Live Twice that he is first fully seen, and there is some substance added to this shadowy character.

Blofeld began as the silhouette of a character, never seen in person, but only his hand stroking his trademark white cat. But when he is unveiled, he is intense with an unblinking, one-and-a-half-eyed stare; Blofeld is every bit the arch nemesis Bond deserves. He has pet piranha for Chrissakes! Talk about twisted genius.

Pleasance was not originally cast in the role, but replaced the Czech actor Jan Werich when he became too ill. Instantly memorable, and almost single-handedly creating the archetype for villains the world over, Blofeld was the inspiration for spoof character Dr. Evil in the parody franchise Austin Powers. The character was envisioned as a shape-shifter by Ian Fleming, and thus he was recast in each appearance, but it is Pleasance’s take on the character that takes the top spot.

Altogether now: “Zey told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong… You only live twice, Mr. Bond.”

So it’s not just a question of who your favourite Bond is. (Of course I side with Connery, but I welcome all arguments, but for the mention of Pierce Brosnan. He is the father of all wooden, smug chancers. Just look at his stupid, punchable Irish face.) Now it’s also a question of your favourite villain, and I see this argument raging on just as long as the former. With such big and memorable characters, it’s easy to see why it’s not a shoe-in.

So, who’s your favourite Bond villain? Does someone else deserve mention in the top five? Maybe Sean Bean, is your villain of favour and should be considered for his role as 006 and in the end doing what he does best; dying, as he does in most all of his films. Or maybe you’re of the mind that Grace Jones’ face structure is one of the best villains; I know they’ve certainly had an effect on me.

Or perhaps it could be argued that Bond’s own womanising serves as a villain in its own right, as it gets him into more bother than necessary. Surely if he just kept his head down, this job would be a hell of a lot easier. But we all know that Bond wouldn’t be Bond without a fine filly or two, and an extra kafuffle in the process. After all, it’s all part of the fun.

Either way you look at it, if you face up against the punch-line spouting philanderer, it’s bound to end badly. Whether via falling from the Golden Gate Bridge or by ballooning up like one Violet Beauregarde, you’ll get the comeuppance you deserve.

Conor O’Hagan is an Irish writer. When not striving for a Best Original Screenplay Oscar, he likes to relax with a good movie, book, or whiskey. Find him at www.conorohagan.com

In the world of film, an elevator can be a wonderful source of comedy and drama. An elevator is something many people use every day, whether this be in an apartment building, at work or at a shopping mall. People share elevators with others, with which naturally comes a whole heap of awkwardness – you have to stand in a big metal box in complete silence, waiting impatiently for the elevator to reach your floor, all the while trying to hold in that big fart you’ve been holding in ever since you stepped foot through the automatic doors. With all of this natural tension, it’s of little wonder that cinema has latched onto this everyday experience.

Elevator scenes have been used in comedies; the aforementioned feeling of social awkwardness provides much potential for a whole array of LOL-worthiness. They have been used in horrors; the feeling of claustrophobia that many experience when inside an elevator can be taken advantage of, with victims helplessly trapped inside an inescapable box that’s dangling on a wire. They have been used in thrillers and actioners; the inescapable box dangling on a wire can provide a cramped setting for suspenseful action sequences. In short, elevators provide much potential for effective moments in cinema and have been the setting of many great scenes in many great movies. Anyway, let’s take a look at the ten best elevator scenes from the world of film. Caution: some of the scene descriptions contain spoilers.

10. “Liar Liar” (1997)

We start the list with “Liar Liar,” a Jim Carrey fantasy comedy from “Ace Ventura” director Tom Shadyac. Carrey plays Fletcher Reede, a successful lawyer who, after his disappointed son’s birthday wish magically comes true, is physically incapable of telling a single lie for a whole 24 hours. One result of this disability is hilariously horrible embarrassment for Fletcher when he enters an elevator with a, shall we say, well-endowed lady (she’s got big boobies!). “New in the building?” queries Fletcher, a slight grin on his face. “Yeah, I just moved in Monday,” the lady cheerfully answers. “Everybody’s been real nice.” “Well, that’s because you have big jugs,” Fletcher bluntly replies. “I mean, your boobs are huge!” he desperately tries to correct himself. “I mean, I wanna squeeze ‘em!” he continues before exclaiming the word, “Mama,” puckering up and making loud sucking noises. After a big, hard, well-deserved thwack to the eye, a mortified Fletcher exits the elevator, holding onto his face as the cross-armed lady stares scornfully from inside the elevator. Briliant.

9. “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” (1991)

There’s a whole boatload of high-octane, action-packed set-pieces in James Cameron’s sci-fi masterpiece, “Terminator 2: Judgement Day;” this elevator scene, coming halfway through the film, is naturally one of the smaller ones, but also one of the most intense ones. The scene takes place in a mental asylum, where heroic robot the Terminator (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger) and future resistance leader John Connor (played by Edward Furlong) are busting out John’s wrongly committed mother, Sarah (played by Linda Hamilton). Meanwhile, shape-shifting villainous robot the T-1000 (played by Robert Patrick) is in hot pursuit of the escaping trio, who run into the asylum’s elevator together. Not one to give up easily, the T-1000 cranks open the elevator doors, jumps down the elevator shaft, lands on top of the elevator, turns his arms into sharp-pointed blades and begins frantically stabbing through the elevator roof. The Terminator and Sarah both shoot through the ceiling to no avail; Sarah then has her shoulder sliced by Edward Blade-Hands moments before she exits with John and the Terminator when the elevator finally reaches the car park. It’s ever so intense.

8. “Final Destination 2” (2003)

In the first (and best) sequel of the very popular “Final Destination” franchise, an elevator is the cause of an innocent woman’s horrible death. This innocent woman is Nora Carpenter (played by Nora Boyd), a grieving mother who has recently cheated death and as such is on a “list” created by Death himself – she soon discovers that it is her name that is next to be crossed out. After leaving the group of fellow death-cheaters she’s been tagging along with, Nora gets in an elevator with fellow death-cheater Eugene (played by Terrence C. Carson) and a creepy-looking man carrying a box full of hooks. It is then that Nora receives a phone call warning her that a man with hooks will be the cause of her death. In the ensuing panic, Nora’s head gets stuck between the elevator doors as the faulty elevator begins to rise. And, in spite of the best efforts of Eugene, the man with hooks and two other death-cheaters to save her, Nora is slowly but surely decapitated as the elevator stubbornly lurches its way upwards. Take the stairs next time, dear.

7. “The Silence of the Lambs” (1991)

The elevator scene in Jonathan Demme’s Oscar-winning thriller “The Silence of the Lambs” arrives during Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins)’s elaborate escape from his heavily guarded jail cell in a Tennessee courthouse. While taking an unconscious, heavily injured guard down to the ground floor in the building’s elevator, police officers notice that there is blood dripping down from the top of the ceiling. Fellow police officers then take a look down the elevator shaft and spot Lecter lying face-down on top of the elevator. They give him a warning shot, shooting him in the leg, but the body does not react; maybe he’s unconscious, maybe he’s dead. Some police officers then hesitantly open the elevator’s hatch and watch as Lecter’s unconscious body swings down and dangles from the roof above – only it’s not Lecter’s body; it is in fact a guard who has had his face ripped off. Meanwhile, in the middle of a speeding ambulance, Hannibal Lecter rises up from a gurney, removes the guard’s face (which he has been using as a mask) from his, and promptly kills the unsuspecting attendant sitting in front of him. Oh Lecter, you sneaky swine, you.

6. “The Blues Brothers” (1980)

The elevator scene in John Landis’ comedy classic “The Blues Brothers” takes place during the hilariously psychotic climax of this hilariously psychotic film. Brothers Jake (played by John Belushi) and Elwood Blues (played by Dan Aykroyd) are on the run from the law. Clad in the sharp suits, fedora hats and snazzy shades they’re known to wear on occasion, Jake and Elwood enter an elevator in the Chicago City Hall building with the intention of paying a tax bill on the top floor. Meanwhile, hundreds of police officers, state troopers, SWAT teams, fire fighters and military police surround and invade the building, determined to catch and arrest the two brothers. We intercut between these two parallel scenes, one of which is a calm and casual elevator ride, complete with relaxing elevator muzak (commonly used bossa nova hit “The Girl from Ipanema”), while the other is a batshit insane display of madness and mayhem as dozens of law officers clamber up a staircase, gripping onto their guns and yelling at the top of their lungs. The result of this juxtaposition is comedic genius.

5. “Total Recall” (1990)

Here’s another scene starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, this time in Paul Verhoeven’s stylishly violent sci-fi actioner “Total Recall.” Here, Arnie plays Douglas Quaid (no relation to Dennis), a construction worker in the future who’s found himself stuck on planet Mars and in a whole lotta danger. During an action-packed sequence towards the end of the film, Quaid chases the villainous Richter (played by Michael Ironside) into an elevator with no walls. As the elevator gradually climbs towards the all-important control room, Quaid and Richter have a little struggle, during which Richter is thrown off the side of the elevator. However, Quaid grabs Richter’s arms and holds onto him long enough for Richter’s arms to be torn off by a dead end, following which Richter presumably falls to his well-deserved death. “See you at the party, Richter!” yells Quaid before throwing Richter’s newly amputated arms off the side of the elevator. That’s some mighty good disarming there, Schwarzenegger.

4. “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (1971)

Now, this scene doesn’t take place in any ordinary elevator; no no, this scene takes place in the great glass Wonkavator. As Mr Willy Wonka (the enigmatic Gene Wilder) proudly points out, a normal elevator can only go up and down, while the Wonkavator can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways and frontways and squareways and any other ways that you can think of. The wonderful Wonkavator is in fact the very last thing we see of Wonka’s magnificently whacky and occasionally disturbing chocolate factory. Wonka, young Charlie (played by Peter Ostrum) and Grandpa Joe (played by Jack Albertson) enter the Wonkavator, in which Wonka tells Charlie to push the big red button. Charlie does so, causing the elevator to begin rising and rising, rising faster and faster until it eventually smashes its way through the factory’s glass ceiling and flies high above Charlie’s home town. As the Wonkavator flies high in the sky, Wonka informs Charlie that he is the heir to Wonka’s chocolate factory. Hooray! Charlie then sadly died of morbid obesity years later.

3. “Dressed to Kill” (1980)

This elevator scene is a very Hitchcockian moment in a very Hitchcockian movie. In Brian DePalma’s erotic crime thriller “Dressed to Kill,” a woman is violently murdered inside the inescapable setting of – you guessed it – an elevator. This woman is frustrated housewife Kate Miller (played by Angie Dickinson), who has just embarked on a one-night stand with a stranger in his apartment. Having just discovered that the stranger has an STD, Kate leaves in horror and realises she has left her wedding ring on top of the guy’s nightstand. So, she re-enters the building’s elevator, is taken up to his floor and is about to stroll out to the corridor before coming face to face with a blonde woman sporting a pair of sunglasses and brandishing a shaving blade. The mysterious assailant slices open Kate’s hand, enters the elevator with her and hacks Kate to bits as the elevator rides its way back down the building. Meanwhile, a call girl awaits the elevator on another floor and gets quite a shock when the elevator doors open up. She is also very nearly slaughtered herself, but is saved at the nerve-shredding last second by the sight of the hiding assailant in the elevator mirror. It’s heart-racing stuff and magnificently gruesome.

2. “Drive” (2011)

This scene from last year’s mesmerising crime-thriller “Drive” is a thing of rare beauty. It starts off tense: tight-lipped, nameless hero the Driver (played by Ryan Gosling) and love interest Irene (played by Carey Mulligan) enter the elevator of their apartment building with a rather suspicious-looking man whom The Driver notices is hiding a pistol in his jacket pocket. It then turns romantic: the Driver gently nudges Irene to the side and passionately kisses her as the film’s speed very effectively slows down. It then turns unexpectedly violent: the Driver grabs the back of the mysterious man’s head, smashes his face into the elevator’s wall, gets him on the ground on his back and starts frantically smashing his head in with the bottom of his shoe, eventually turning the man’s skull into a squishy pile of red goo. Beautiful, as I said.

1. “The Departed” (2006)

I suspect that when you, dear reader, read the title of this article, “The Departed” was the first film to pop into your head; it certainly was for me when I came up with the idea of writing this article. Martin Scorsese’s foul-mouthed, ultraviolent, Oscar-winning crime drama has one of the most infamous elevator scenes ever committed to celluloid. The scene I speak of takes place about fifteen minutes towards the end of the film. Police informant Billy Costigan (played by Leonardo diCaprio) is beyond pissed off with corrupt cop Colin Sullivan (played by Matt Damon), whom Billy intends to arrest for generally just being a sneaky bastard. Following a brutal fight on the rooftop of a derelict building, Billy drags a handcuffed Colin into the elevator and waits for them to reach the ground floor. “Just fucking kill me,” pleads a desperate Colin. “I am killing you,” replies Billy. The elevator reaches the ground floor. The elevator doors open. Billy prepares to exit, and then BAM!! Billy’s dead, lying on the floor, his blood sprayed all across the wall, a bullet in his brain, shot by one of Colin’s best buddies. Betcha didn’t see that comin’, did ya?

Honourable mentions: “(500) Days of Summer” (2009), “Aliens” (1986), “Barton Fink” (1991), “Borat” (2006), “Diamonds are Forever” (1971), “Die Hard” (1988), “Die Hard with a Vengeance” (1995), “The Eye” (2002), “Fatal Attraction” (1987), “Gremlins 2: The New Batch” (1990), “North by Northwest” (1959), “Oldboy” (2003), “Resident Evil” (2002), “Speed” (1994), “Spider-Man 2” (2004)

Special honourable mention: “The Shining” (1980), which was not included because THAT scene doesn’t technically take place inside an elevator – marvellously haunting moment, though.

by Will Conley

He’s been in more movies than all of the other actors in Hollywood combined. His demo reel stretches around the globe seven times. He has been scientifically proven to produce the greatest volume of laughter per cubic foot in the history of comedy. I’m talking about none other than Jack Black, and all of the above is true.

The top five Jack Black movies are:

5. Ha Ha, Just Kidding, I’m

not going to name them all off right away. You thought I would just skip right to the payoff, and deprive you of the slow crescendo that ultimately results in a more meaningful and satisfying conclusion? You have a lot to learn about the birds and the bees, kiddo.

Not to mention rock n’ roll. A good rock song — as any Jack Black fan knows — must start with a taste, a hint of what’s to come. The anticipation must build, and build, and build, until BLAMMO! — it all explodes in a glorious fireball of guitar riffs and cymbal crashes, sending Dave Grohl as Satan back to the pits from whence he sprang.

That’s “Tribute”, off the eponymous album Tenacious D, Jack Black’s long-running comedic band project with guitarist Kyle Gass. Black has always been a die-hard rock music aficionado, and some of his best known movies revolve around that very topic.

I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m going to segue into embedding a YouTube video of the scene from the 2000 movie High Fidelity, in which Jack Black as a raging music snob working in a record store throws a tantrum over the Monday Mixtape he made for everyone. You’re thinking I’m just that obvious.

The 5th Greatest Jack Black Movie in the World: High Fidelity

Well, come on. That was the scene that lifted Jack Black out of the obscurity of some nothing, ho-hum place called “already been in tons of major films and co-starred in an HBO comedy series that ran for three years”, and into the hearts of millions of hipster, wannabe-slackers. Besides, everybody loves High Fidelity. I had to include it.

Oh, “Fifth greatest?!” you protest? “Why not first greatest?!” Because that’s what you thought I would do, that’s why. I’m always thinking. Don’t try to outguess me. I’ve been doing this for a looong time, pal.

Besides, at this point we’ve all seen High Fidelity at least five times each, and Hollywood has a shelf life, so. It’s number five. Deal.

The 4rth Greatest Jack Black Movie in the World: The School of Rock

I figure I’ll get the two main rock-related movies out of the way first, and continue to piss off everybody who thinks they should Occupy the top two slots.

The School of Rock made parents everywhere love Jack Black. He played the perfect music teacher: talented, passionate, inspiring, and of course, hilarious.

Yup, The School of Rock gets 4th place. And 3rd place? You’ve never even heard of it. I’m only including this next one because it was an important point in Jack Black’s career. I bet you’re seething now.

The 3rd Greatest Jack Black Movie in the World: Bob Roberts

Contrary to popular belief, Jack Black isn’t all about the blending of music references and manic comedy, although he does do a very fine belly drum.

Jack Black actually started out as strictly a dramatic actor. His first major movie role had him playing a fanatical political activist in the 1992 Tim Robbins drama Bob Roberts. It was a relatively small role, but it was the role that proved his acting chops and hinted at his talent for getting laughs.

Here he is intoning the angelic virtues of a crooked, extreme-right-wing folk singer who is running for president:

He’s good, right? He was only 23 at the time. Now he’s 24.

The 2nd Greatest Jack Black Movie in the World: Nacho Libre

Nacho Libre was one of those hard-to-categorize movies.

Because Nacho Libre was based on the true story of a Mexican monk who became a masked luchador to raise money for orphans, the comedy element had to rely on subtlety and truthfulness in acting. Yes, the faked Spanish accents mixed with modern English slang like “douche” and “sucks” did stick out like a sore thumb, but that was part of its strange charm.

Besides, what American is going to watch a heartwarming Nickelodeon movie about a priest in a cheesy mask and tights, unless there’s a little douche and sucks thrown in there to keep things fascinating?

The Greatest and Best Jack Black Movie in the World: Kung Fu Panda and Kung Fu Panda 2

Yes, I am proclaiming two cartoons as the greatest and best movie Jack Black movie in the world. Yes, the titles of the two movies sound corny. Yes, it’s safe for children, and all.

But they’re both just really, really well done. Especially the first one. And besides, the first one is listed as only the fourth most popular Jack Black movie on IMDB, and I felt King Kong could use some damn competition.

But seriously, even the Chinese allegedly loved Kung Fu Panda for how well it presented Chinese culture.

Movie clips don’t really do the films any justice, as the it’s more about the overall hero’s journey and the story arc as a whole. But here you go:

Conclusion

Okay, so to recap, Be Kind Rewind, The Holiday, Tropic Thunder, Shallow Hal, Envy, Walk Hard, The Jackal, King Kong, Enemy of the State, and the other 653 movies in which Jack Black appears, don’t count.

The five — well, six — movies that I ranked here are objectively the very best Jack Black movies.

This article is definitive.

You might know Will Conley from such films as This Film Doesn’t Exist and I Have No Recollection of Having Appeared in This Film. Check out Conley’s The Devil’s Dictionary, Volume Two, a fake reference-book-in-progress inspired by 19th century satirist Ambrose Bierce.

Shower scenes are often portrayed as a cheap way to add sex to a movie. That’s not totally untrue. The truly great bathing scenes can be just as funny, scary or even downright frightening as any other plot driven part of the film. And even if they are, at least it’s the closest you’ll ever come to see Angelina Jolie’s side boob, so quit whining.

1. “Weird Science”

This sci-fi coming of age comedy from John Hughes might not be the most high-brow title in his list, but it still does a good job of portraying the condition of the teenage spirit.

The shower scene happens early on in the film after the boys create the perfect woman out of circuits and Barbie dolls. Kelly LeBrock fulfills every 80s teenage boy’s fantasy by showering naked with Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith. Even though we’re treated to all of the good parts of LeBrock that a PG-13 rating will allow, it’s a hilarious scene because it’s how real teenage boys would react to getting to shower with a picture-perfect British babe. These days, however, that moment would be followed by an investigation by the local school board and non-stop coverage from the local news of another “teacher gone wild”.

2. “Wild Things 2”

The direct to DVD sequel to the lukewarm erotic thriller doesn’t get much real estate on many movie lists because even the “Lawrence of Arabia” of direct to video movies has a hard time drawing more than .99 cents from the Walmart discount bin.

In this case, it deserves special mention because it features a gratuitous shower scene halfway through the film. The scene doesn’t even make sense in terms of what little plot there is but it is so steamy and sensuous that it slows time and any sense of continuity your tired brain has left. Susan Ward and Lelia Arcleri may be fully clothed in this outdoor swimming pool shower scene but your imagination can help you fill in the blanks.

3. “Tomb Raider”

Video here

Putting the words “Angelina Jolie” and “shower scene” in the same sentence won’t just give us more hits than we could hope for short of starting our own porn tube video portal. It also saved one of the most disappointed video game movie adaptations from complete worthlessness.

Jolie jumps under the nozzle as Lara Croft, the sexiest video game babe since video games were able to graduate from colored squares and dots to fully formed beings with shapely forms and boobie physics. The fact that one of the most beautiful women in the world is playing one of the most beautiful fictional women in the world in a shower that leaves just enough to the imagination to keep the MPAA from whining into an R rating makes me wonder just what will make a male human head explode.

4. “Psycho”

The films of the late 1950s and early 1960s didn’t have a lot of steamy shower scenes that let mankind enjoy the best of what indoor plumbing had to offer. Legendary director Alfred Hitchcock added an interesting twist to his shower scene by showing some serious violence that made you question the existence of a God.

Hitchcock’s brilliant horror film featured one of the most brutal scenes of its time in the first half of the film as the beautiful Janet Leigh gets carved up by Norman Bates’ psychotic mother in the shower of a motel room. It’s mix of beauty and horror makes it one of the most iconic scenes in the history of film and the most confusing moment for male genitalia since that moment with the stripper with the Adam’s Apple.

5. “Porky’s”

Bob Clarke’s hilarious goofball raunch fest about a group of Florida teenagers looking for a good time and revenge on the fat bastard who wouldn’t let them have it also had a shower scene that’s as equally memorable as the one in “Psycho”.

The shower scene in question sets in motion one of the most hilarious sequences as Miss Balbricker tries to get the high school principal to stage a “tallywhacker lineup” after she literally catches one in the girls’ locker room shower. It’s not only a great mix of sexuality and comedy in a film (a rare feat as anyone who has been laughed at during sex knows since they didn’t find it so funny, SHEILA!), but it’s unapologetic in its source material and makes it a brave film in its own right.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist, reporter and bather. He is a regular contributor to several blogs and web magazines including TruTV’s Dumbsaablog.com, and Playboy’s “The Smoking Jacket.” His humor writing has also appeared at Spike.com, Cracked.com, Mental_Floss and Aol. He can be found on the web at www.dannygallagher.net and on Twitter @thisisdannyg.

The idea of vampires battling it out with werewolves seems an awesome one; they’re both terrifying, albeit fictional, creatures of the night, and I’m sure the brawl would be a viciously entertaining one. However, the idea also brings to mind the “Twilight” saga, a teenage-targeted fantasy film series in which glittering vamps and oversized Chihuahuas regularly rip off their tops, speedily gallop towards one another and furiously prepare to get their bitch-slapping on — that is, when they’re not moaning about the complicated love triangles they frequently stumble into accidentally on purpose. As such, the idea of vampires battling werewolves becomes significantly less awesome and more, well, homoerotic.

Srsly.

With the “Twilight” saga’s fourth chapter, “Breaking Dawn – Part 1,” hitting cinemas on 18 November, I thought I’d take a look at the vampire and werewolf cinematic sub-genres. Both sub-genres have been around since horror first sprung up in the world of film, and both have since presented many howlers that lack bite as well as some very effective spook-em-ups that sink their fangs right into your neck. But which sub-genre is the most bestest ever? Well, there’s only one way to find out: making lists!

So, let’s take a look at the five best werewolf films and the five best vampire films to ever grace cinema screens, starting with vampires (because “v” comes before “w,” and because Edward is totally hotter than Jacob).

ROUND ONE: VAMPIRES

5. “Fright Night” (1985)

First up, it’s Tom Holland’s cult classic vampire horror-comedy “Fright Night,” which primarily takes place in the suburbs. The film centres on Charley Brewster, a teenage boy who, through perverted window-peeping, discovers that his mysterious new neighbour is in fact a vampire. In reaction, Charley seeks out elderly TV vampire hunter Peter Vincent (a play on Peter Cushing and Vincent Price, of course) and begs that he help Charley kill the vampire. Peter reluctantly agrees and, after sufficient evidence, sets out to slay Charley’s undead neighbour, but the vicious bloodsucker will not be slain quietly. More funny than it is scary, the frequently amusing “Fright Night” delivers a whole heap of thrills, laughs and features terrific performances from a brilliantly hammy Roddy McDowall as the vampire slayer and an irresistibly sexy Chris Sarandon as the villainous vamp. Colin Farrell and David Tennant, eat your hearts out (just kidding, you guys were awesome in the remake, seriously).

4. “The Lost Boys” (1987)

Acting rather well as a time capsule of ‘80s culture, “The Lost Boys” is Joel Schumacher’s vampiric tale of a young man, Michael, who becomes involved with some rather dodgy individuals (read: vampires) when his family moves to California. Turns out these dodgy individuals are, gasp, vampires, and they’ve sneakily turned Michael into one of them too! So, Michael, along with the help of his younger brother, Sam, sets out to stop the bloodsucking biker gang, all the while trying to find a solution to his worsening case of vampirism. Sometimes funny and sometimes bloody, this slick and cool vampire horror is a highly entertaining and slightly sexy career-high for Schumacher; it’s much better than his escapades with a certain Batman and a certain Robin, anyway…

3. “Dracula” (1931)

When you think “Count Dracula,” you think Bela Lugosi. Or maybe you think Christopher Lee. Or maybe Gary Oldman. Y’know, Frank Langella was pretty good as him too… Anyway, Lugosi is widely considered the number one king of the vampires, and rightfully so. His first (and best) performance as Dracula was in this 1931 Universal production directed by Tod Browning. The film follows the plot of Bram Stoker’s classic novel fairly closely, with the castle-dwelling eponymous count meeting with an Englishman and soon moving to England to feast upon two lovely ladies. Sure, the film has pacing issues and becomes less interesting after the mesmerising first act, but Lugosi’s legendary performance makes it worthy of a watch from any film buff. The role is in fact one Lugosi understandably never outlived; indeed, he was even buried in his Dracula cape.

2. “Let the Right One In” (2008) / “Let Me In” (2010)

I’ve counted both of these films as one because, let’s face it, they pretty much are the same film, just with minor differences here and there. They are both based on “Let the Right One In,” a vampire novel written by John Ajvide Lindqvist; Tomas Alfredson’s “Let the Right One In” is a Swedish adaptation (for which Lindqvist wrote the screenplay) and Matt Reeves’ “Let Me In” is an American adaptation. Both tell the tale of a bullied young boy who becomes infatuated with the young girl who’s just moved in next door. Much to the boy’s glee, they soon strike up a friendship, though the boy begins to suspect that something is a tad askew with his newfound friend; for one, she eats people. Whether you prefer the Swedish version or the American version (I personally prefer the latter), there’s no doubting that they are both overwhelmingly atmospheric and oddly beautiful chillers that will chill you right to the bone; they’re essentially “Twilight” for the arthouse crowd, in a good way.

1. “Nosferatu” (1922)

The only silent film to appear in this article, F. W. Murnau’s “Nosferatu” is an unofficial German adaptation of Bram Stoker’s “Dracula.” But instead of the charming Count Dracula, this time we have the repulsive Count Orlok, a bony-fingered, rodent-faced monster played magnificently by German method actor Max Schreck. In the film, the hideous Orlok lives on his lonely lonesome in a gothic castle and is doing a deal with real estate agent Thomas Hutter. Orlok, being the monster that he is, very quickly yearns for the sweet taste of Hutter’s blood, as well as that of Hutter’s wife, Ellen, and gets to quenching the monstrous thirst that doth overwhelm him. Ninety years later, this horror masterpiece is still persistently frightening and relentlessly haunting, thanks in large part to Schreck’s legendary performance as creepy creeper Mr. Orlok; it’s as badass as Darth Vader, but, like, scary and stuff.

Honourable mentions: “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” (1992), “Fright Night” (2011), “Horror of Dracula” (1958), “Nosferatu the Vampyre” (1979), “Shadow of the Vampire” (2000)

Right, so, that’s the vampires done with. And now we move onto the werewolves. First up, it’s “Dances with Wolves”… wait, what do you mean that’s not a werewolf musical with a break-dancing Kevin Costner? It isn’t? Damn it. Okay, first up is this:

ROUND TWO: WEREWOLVES

5. “The Wolf Man” (1941)

“The Wolf Man” was Universal’s second attempt at a werewolf film, following the 1935 box-office flop that was “Werewolf of London,” Hollywood’s first stab at werewolf horror. Fortunately for Universal, “The Wolf Man” proved to be significantly more popular and has since become a rather iconic part of the sub-genre it helped kick-start. Starring as the eponymous creature in this George Waggner-directed monster movie was Lon Chaney, Jr., son of make-up maestro and silent film legend Lon Chaney, Sr. In the film, Chaney, Jr. plays Larry Talbot, an American who, while visiting his ancestral home in Wales, is unfortunately bitten by a werewolf. Soon enough, whenever the wolfbane blooms and the moon is bright, Larry transforms into a werewolf himself; either that, or he turns into a drunken hobo who forgot to shave for a few days. While it didn’t quite climb to the heights of fame reached by “Dracula” and “Frankenstein,” “The Wolf Man” is nonetheless highly regarded among horror buffs and essentially set the standard for werewolf fiction, fully launching knowledge of the mythical beast into the mainstream. And people have been scared of unshaven drunken hobos ever since.

4. “The Howling” (1981)

Sadly overshadowed by the success of fellow 1981 werewolf flick “An American Werewolf in London,” Joe Dante’s satirical horror “The Howling” has nonetheless become something of a cult classic over the years. It centres on Karen White, a news anchor who, as part of a police investigation, decides to meet up with a serial killer in a dark and dirty porno theatre (clearly nothing can go wrong here). The meeting, surprise surprise, goes horribly wrong, leaving Karen in a state of shock and suffering from amnesia. She is advised to stay in The Colony, a treatment centre in the countryside, while she recovers. However, The Colony turns out to be the worst possible place for her to be staying in; I mean, it’s inhabited by werewolves, for starters. “The Howling” features very impressive makeup work and state-of-the-art prosthetics, most notably during the nauseating transformation sequences; it’s also splendidly entertaining and is one of those rare horror films that actually manages to be a genuinely terrifying experience. Also, it’s got kinky werewolf sex in it, which is always a plus.

3. “Dog Soldiers” (2002)

“Dog Soldiers” is the first feature-length film from writer-director Neil Marshall, a filmmaker who has proven time and time again that he loves drowning his actors in pools of blood; his debut is no exception. It follows a group of British soldiers who are sent into the Scottish Highlands for what appears be a routine training mission. Unfortunately, they soon find themselves barricaded inside a small remote house, determinedly fighting off a large pack of bloodthirsty, limb-tearing werewolves; they‘re Scottish werewolves, the worst kind. Tremendously gritty and yet helplessly goofy at the same time, the intensely suspenseful “Dog Soldiers” is a blood-soaked, shit-scary and blackly comic horror debut from the guy who would go on to give us the utterly terrifying “The Descent” and the utterly dreadful “Doomsday.” Stick to horror, dude, ‘cause apocalyptic thrillers ain’t your strong suit.

2. “Ginger Snaps” (2000)

“Ginger Snaps” is a film that uses lycanthropy as a metaphor for puberty; you know, that time when hair grows where it never grew before, when sexual urges begin to develop and when you start viciously devouring your neighbours’ mouthwatering flesh. Ahhh, such confusing times. The film is set in a town in which local dogs are being mysteriously mutilated by either an animal or a person — maybe both… Goth sisters Ginger and Brigitte Fitzgerald venture out into the woods one night and are unexpectedly attacked by a werewolf. Unfortunately for her, Ginger is bitten, and thus begins her slow but inevitable transformation into a howling, prowling creature of the night. There’s not a dull moment in this low-budget, Canadian indie horror from director John Fawcett; it’s relentlessly entertaining, oozing with jet-black humour, blood-soaked carnage and witty dialogue featuring the constant moping of two sibling Goths; if you don’t like it, you’re, like, a conformist and you should, like, totally kill yourself. Chyeah.

1. “An American Werewolf in London” (1981)

“An American Werewolf in London” is a fish-out-of-water movie, or should that be a werewolf-out-of-America movie? Directed by John Landis (he did the video for Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” y’know), this classic horror-comedy sees two American tourists being attacked by a big, bad werewolf in the middle of the English moors. One of them lives, the other meets his maker. The one that lives, however, was bitten, and soon begins suffering from deeply disturbing dreams, visions of his dead friend and undergoes a horrifying transformation whenever the moon shines full in the night sky. Laden with rib-tickling dark humour, quite a number of frightful frights and a fair share of grisly gore, “An American Werewolf in London” truly is the ultimate werewolf flick. However, it’s probably best known for Rick Baker’s gruesomely ground-breaking special effects, most notably those shown off in the infamously nasty transformation sequence. That scene is still stomach-churning to this day; it sure put me off becoming a werewolf.

Honourable mentions: “Bad Moon” (1996), “The Company of Wolves” (1984), “Ginger Snaps: Unleashed” (2004), “Silver Bullet” (1985), “Werewolf of London” (1935)

AND THE WINNER IS…
Neither. I’m sorry, I really cannot decide between the two; both have their fair share of great movies under their belts, and deciding between them is like deciding if the pear is better than the banana; I like both, goddamn it! However, what I will say is this: the best movie of the two sub-genres without a doubt comes from the vampire side in the form of “Nosferatu;” it’s the only film here I can say is a masterpiece without too much hesitation.

Anyway, I would love to hear what you have to say in the comments below, as I’m sure many will have a personal preference between the two contenders, unlike my indecisive self. So, which do you think is the better sub-genre? Which creature of the night has delivered the most goods over the years? You must decide: vampire or werewolf? Bloodsucker or lycanthrope? Team Edward or Team Jacob? Let me know, or I’ll set the wolves and the bats on you — yes, they bite.

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By Stephen Watson