Grant Woolward is one of the more intriguing Youtube artists. The Japan-based, University of Virginia educated user creates videos on a wide range of topics, in a wide range of styles. Whether he’s sending up famous speeches or blending Beatles songs together into a delectable truffle, Woolward always seems to hold the viewers attention, sometimes for as long as 6 minutes. I recently had an opportunity to “sit down” with Grant and ask him about his creative process. His answers to my meddling questions were just as thought-provoking as his videos.

What made you want to start a YouTube channel in the first place?

Back in 2007, when I was supposed to be studying biology, I wrote several pieces for piano and decided to post them on YouTube, but I didn’t start making videos on a regular basis until about a year-and-a-half ago, after watching MysteryGuitarMan’s videos. This new medium exited me because I could combine my interests in music, editing, and comedy.

I took classical piano lessons from age 7 up until my second year of university, with a couple breaks in between.  I don’t have a teacher anymore, but I think I’ve improved the most since I started recording myself for videos, because it has forced me to listen to all my imperfections and correct them.

Your Beatles mashup vid is quite unique and impressive. How many hours did it take you to play with their songs and piece together the perfect medley?

Finding melodies that blended well was a long process of elimination. It took at least a week-and-a-half, working several hours a day.  I’m too embarrassed to do the math. It was definitely a labor of love.

I usually don’t expect a video to be a hit, but I try to make every one as accessible as possible. My channel is obscure and I’m trying to get as much exposure as I can, so when thinking up ideas I give priority to those with wider appeal. But at the same time it has to be an idea I personally love, otherwise I couldn’t go through all the trouble to make it.

The last speech I wrote was in Japanese. I could have done with a speechwriter myself, and I’m very glad it wasn’t graded.

Thanks. I’d be flattered if even one teacher ever used it in the classroom. I think I would have actually enjoyed biology if the Beach Boys had taught it.

"Spermatazoon infiltration. Oocyte penetration."

Talk about about why you created the “Part of the World,” Little Mermaid parody. Have you asked Japanese locals what they think about it? If so, what kind of responses have you gotten?

Basically, I loved the song and wanted to pay homage to it through parody. I searched for a situation like Ariel’s, in which one longs to venture into a world he or she has been sheltered from.  I realized that the Japanese phenomenon of “hikikomori,” which refers to geeky, reclusive young people who have completely withdrawn from society and sometimes isolate themselves in their bedrooms for years, was a good theme to work with.  At the same time I hoped it could bring to light a serious social problem in Japan.

Japanese friends who have seen it said it was funny, but I’ve had trouble promoting it in the Japanese-speaking world. Unfortunately for me, satire is an alien form of comedy in Japan and not as many Japanese people are familiar with the original song.

I assume you do you do all your own photoshopping and video editing, correct?

That’s right. It’s one of the main reasons I can only put out a video every 2-4 weeks. I wish it were my full-time job.

Disposable Kodaks aside, I started using a camera (a digital SLR) in college. I really didn’t get into video until about a year ago.

This is a tough question. I’ve lived here for almost 4 years, and naturally there are things I love and hate about both countries. Japanese culture fascinates me but I sometimes become frustrated with the endless formalities in which it is entrenched. On the other hand, while American culture is less intriguing, the casual lifestyle and independent American spirit are things I’ve come to value more since living here.

Check out Grant’s YouTube channel if you like having your hair blown back.

By Juniper Jettison. Note: Juniper Jettison’s actual initials might be WP.

Television has grown more and more competitive these days, putting it up to Hollywood to keep their standards high. If you snooze you lose, and right now Hollywood’s threatening to take a long doze into hibernation.

This is due to fantastic shows - Mad Men, Breaking Bad, The Wire and The Sopranos – breaking onto the scene in recent years. Sure, HBO dramas are garnering a lot of attention, but do any comedies deserve mention in that same list? Yes, actually. Louie, for one. And Curb Your Enthusiasm. South Park, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia and Arrested Development. And perhaps my favourite show of them all. Community..

Known for it’s pop culture references and ability to adopt other television shows’ styles and tropes, Community has become a favourite to comedy fans everywhere. After two and a half seasons, however, NBC decided not to include Community in its mid-season line-up, instead opting for the almost-as-funny 30 Rock. The remainder of season three’s episodes will be played after the mid-season line-up, but for now the long-term future of the show is unknown.

We need to save the show. Find out how you can help at the bottom of the page. Here are the Top 10 Reasons Community needs our help:

10. Meta

Without having a full and in-depth understanding of meta, I can say that Community uses a lot of meta, and I really like meta. This shall be brief to save myself a long and difficult time of research. I’ll say that as far as I know meta-humour is simply self-referencing for the purposes of comedy. The main culprit of this is Abed, the character suspected of having Asperger’s, who relates to everything via his knowledge of film and television.

I must warn you that watching the below shows – especially to a newcomer to the show – that you will most likely lose about two hours of your life watching “best of” clips of Community. While I would urge you to watch them episode by episode, I can not be to blame when click leads to click leads to click…

9. Dean Pelton

Señor Chang, Greendale College’s Spanish teacher, is known for using his own name to pun, but I prefer the wildness of Dean Pelton’s exuberance. With constant costume changes and extreme lack of safety provided in the college, including fake fire alarms, it’s hard not to warm to his well-meaning if intimidating ways. Anyone who has no shame dressing up as Madonna or saying “drive by Deaning”, I’m with him. The homosexual tension that’s constantly just around the corner is too much to handle at times and his fascination (let’s say fascination…) with Jeff Winger or anyone of the male gender is yet another inappropriate turn to add to everything else.

8. Annie’s Boobs

Well, it just speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

Oh, you haven’t seen that part?

Okay then, here you go:

Yes, so the monkey is named Annie’s Boobs. After Annie’s boobs, of course, but my praise goes not to any physical features of the beautiful and shapely Alison Brie, but the troublesome monkey who steals trinkets and hides out in the vents, as you’ve seen above.

7. Dan Harmon’s Writing

Joel McHale, before Community, was reading scripts and trying to choose his next role. He couldn’t find anything to his liking. When he read Harmon’s script for the pilot episode, he found it to be the best thing he’d ever read. With such great writing evident in the episodes, it’s not hard to see why.

Harmon and his team are not solely a comedic force but have a complete understanding of conflict, of exploiting television clichés and of playing with audience expectations.

If there is no return of Community after season three, be very excited for Harmon’s next project.

6. References and Homages

This is mostly Abed’s doing once again; the cultural reference machine. From Pulp Fiction to comparing the group to the Breakfast Club to treating a whole episode to the film Dinner with André, Abed’s references often add insult to injury, or humour to humour.

Abed’s love for (the abysmal) Cougar Town is one of the most loved references throughout the series. He needs calming down when he heard the show was moved to midseason, trying to stay positive by repeating “six seasons and a movie”.

And apparently Cougar Town likes to reference Community also. How nice.

Somehow the references to the unfunny show in the funny are more satisfying than the other way around…

5. Jeff Winger – How Is He So Likeable?

The casting of Community is one of the huge factors to its success. No character is more important than the central character and Harmon’s version of himself, Jeff Winger. Originally a cynical and money-hungry lawyer, and resisting as much as possible the charm of his misfit bunch of friends, Winger brings out the humanity of the group in every episode. Never out of speeches and always knowing what’s best (after many conscience-defying stunts) Winger keeps karma on the group’s side and keeps us in love with him and his friends.

4 .Troy and Abed

What is there to say? If you’re not aware of the phenomenon that is the best friendship on television today, you should be. You really need to be.

Their unashamed love for each other, their secret handshake, their improvised questions for Batman, their rap. Everything. They know how to tickle our funny bone as well as giving us a warm and tender feeling about our BFFs.

Troy is the high school quarterback who must adjust to being a regular unsure boy and Abed is the dysfunctional, emotionless, but utterly lovable Asperger sufferer who can’t relate to people, but who can always relate to his television shows.

I want to be in one these friendships. Imagining the same messed up fantasies as each other and losing all of the usual insecurities that are involved when you admit your innermost thoughts. Such as eating yourself if you woke up as a donut.

Perhaps the best thing they’ve ever done is get Jeff in at six in the morning…

Harmonies, people: “Troy and Abed in the Mooooorning!”

3. Cameos

Aside from the wonderfully-rounded and equally discriminated group are a host of enigmatic fellow students whose presence allows for some top quality laughs in the classroom. For a start we have Star-Burns, known solely for his star-shaped side burns, as you do. (He likes to be called Alex, but who cares?) There’s the devilishly troublemaking OAP Leonard; Vaughn, the eternal hippy with the world’s smallest nipples and Fat Neil, who likes Dungeons & Dragons and is, well, fat.

That’s just for starters. In addition to the fantastically off-kilter Ken Leong as Señor Chang, the single episode cameos that feature in the series are second to none.

More interested in some bigger names? Jack Black as the desperate friend Buddy, Anthony Michael Hall as the ignorant bully and Drew Carey is Jeff’s ex-boss. Betty White is an anthropology lecturer who raps with my boys for Chrisakes!

Community cameos are second to none. And this beats all;

It’s Patton Oswalt! Yes!

2. Racism?

Not the bad kind, where your prejudices hurt those of a specific ethnicity, but the funny kind that plays on our racial stereotypes and challenges you to think in a more open way. Making you laugh in the process is an added bonus, of course, and there is no fear of Community letting you down in that respect.

With the group featuring as many different ethnicities and character types as possible – Annie Edison’s character was originally Asian, but had to be changed due to difficulty in finding a suitable actress – and playing on each of their different character flaws to brilliant results.

1. The Dedication and Forward Thinking

Sitcoms, especially in the modern day are becoming more and more predictable and reliant on simple

character traits. Oh, Charlie Harper makes a sexual innuendo. Oh, both Mike and Molly are fat, and therefore like to eat. Hilarious.

Not only are the jokes in Community a lot funnier than the average situational comedy, but the intellect that they put into their craft and the respect they show their audience by pushing their writing as far as they can go is never seen and really respectable.

The best example of this is the Beetlejuice gag. Three years of preparation went into a single gag, showing how into comedy Dan Harmon and his team are. In three separate seasons, the word Beetlejuice was mentioned, and if you’ve ever seen Beetlejuice you know what happens when you mention him a third time…

Talk about dedication and forward thinking. Or obsession, if you feel that way. Either way, you won’t see anything that intricate in your typical shallow sitcom.

Still not convinced?

Watch Troy write a joke:

Oh dear. I miss it.

Don’t you miss it?

Feel free to take part by “hash tagging” ( Hashtagging sounds like an explicit manoeuvre…)

#SaveCommunity, #SixSeasonsAndAMovie or #OccupyNBC and do your part to saving Greendale.

By Conor O’Hagan

Disclaimer: These aren’t all the terrible TV shows the 80s vomited into existence. Rather, we chose to vary our sampling based on the many different types of shows including sitcoms, dramas, and a spinoffs. We also– Seriously though, bicycle shorts! They were basically tights with the pant legs missing. And men wore them! Even when they weren’t going to be bicycling! It’s just wrong. And you know it’s wrong. Dad. Sorry, sorry, we’re getting way off topic here. Please enjoy the article. We’re, uh, going to fix ourselves a stiff drink and pray the nightmares don’t return tonight.

1. Mr. Smith

In the history of TV, there have been many shows about things that talk that shouldn’t: horses, cars, dogs, Snooki, but it turns out America draws the line at monkeys. In 1983, Mr. Smith debuted in September and was cancelled by December, with 13 episodes somehow being made before God intervened and sealed all evidence of its existence into the Ark of the Covenant.

It will melt your face.

What made Mr. Smith such a piece of excrement? It’s hard to pinpoint exactly. The show featured an orang-utan named ChaCha who first becomes separated from his trainer after a car accident, and then ends up in a research lab. Which he escapes from. Then, probably just for the hell of it, the monkey finds an experimental serum that increases human intelligence. He drinks it and his IQ increases to exactly 256. Oh and he can talk too after this. What do you do with a monkey smarter than you that can talk? You make him a political advisor in Washington, of cour- Oh wait, hold on, no you don’t. You cancel the shit out of this show because wtf?

2. Small Wonder (1985-1989)

Imagine you could build a perfect robot servant. What would it be like? Would it be a small, adolescent girl in a red and white dress? If you answered “yes”, then congratulations, you are or probably will be a registered sex offender in the near future.

Ted Lawson is an engineer who builds V.I.C.I. (Voice Input Child Identicant…a shiver up your spine is the appropriate response), an android meant to help the handicapped. But instead of doing that, Ted takes it home and pretends it’s his real daughter, forcing his family, which includes an actual real, human child, to play along. As if this isn’t already fucked up enough, V.I.C.I. or Vicki comes with super strength, speed, intelligence, and a complete lack of emotion.

She will straight up murder your punk ass.

To be fair, part of the reason she’s brought home is so that she can learn what it means to be a human. She lives in a small cabinet. Sooooo an abused human we guess?

People loved this shit and it lasted four seasons. They had to “upgrade” Vicki to account for her aging and height gain. Though the boob suppression system Ted must have constructed seemed to work out just fine.

3. Manimal (1983)

A man…that can change into animals…animal man…man into animal…manimal! Yup. That was the show, somehow even worse than it sounds. Dr. Jonathan Chase, using ancient African and possibly Tibetan techniques, proving racism and ignorance really are the same thing, has learned the secrets of what divides animal and man.

Man throws less fecal matter? Notice, we said “less.” Not none.

With his Manimal powers, Dr. Jonathan Chase or Manimal (We cannot type Manimal enough into this article, so Manimal!) and his friend, Ty Earl, help Detective Brooke Mackenzie solve mysteries and fight crime.

Manimal could change into any animal he wanted to, but almost always chose a hawk and a panther in every episode. Why? Because elephants and lions just weren’t in the budget. And, like the old adage says, you can only see a Manimal turn into a hawk or a panther three times before it gets old. The show got the axe after only eight episodes, but Manimal would return to television in 1998 for an episode of Night Man, a show that did slightly better than Manimal’s own but was still pretty terrible.

4. One of the Boys (1982)

Okay, so if we told you there was going to be a television show starring Mickey Rooney, Dana Carvey, Nathan Lane, Meg Ryan and the guy that gets an axe to the back in the Shining, wouldn’t you be excited? No? Well you would be if it was still the 90s. Though One of the Boys had been thrown together well before most of these people really hit it big, the talent roster here was pretty amazing (considering they all really did hit it big way before or by the 90s).

Welcome to the NBC sitcom named by TV Guide as one of the worst television shows of all time. The un-killable Mickey Rooney plays Oliver, a senior citizen that leaves his retirement home to move in with his Grandson (Carvey) at college. Somehow, this great premise lasted only one season. We know what you’re thinking. How did it even make a whole season?! Not even the internet knows, so we’ll assume it’s the same reason Kesha has a career: A simple pact with Satan. Like most celebrities.

Probably a fun set though: Carvey confusing the hell out of Rooney by doing impersonations of his long dead show business friends. Rooney repeatedly mistaking Nathan Lane for Judy Garland. Or Meg Ryan…uh… doing her thing, you know…

You sure are, kiddo.

5. AfterMASH

Few remember that after M.A.S.H, the much loved, amazingly drawn out and overplayed mega hit TV show, there was AfterMASH, a show featuring the same themes but without the war and much of the original cast. Producers must have hoped they could squeeze one last ounce of juice out of the original, which lasted longer than the actual Korean War.

Just saying.

AfterMASH starred Harry Morgan (Colonel Potter), Jamie Farr (Klinger) and William Christopher (Father Mulcahy), the only three cast members of M.A.S.H., unsurprisingly, who voted against ending the original series. It featured Potter working at a veteran’s hospital with Klinger as his administrative assistant again. Oh, and Father Mulcahy played the priest! Again!

Despite what was basically M.A.S.H with a skeleton crew, the show actually did semi-decent for its first season, but in its second, ratings dropped lower than Klinger’s self respect. For some reason, the same worn out formula that had ended M.A.S.H., the show with all the cast, including its very popular protagonists, just couldn’t get AfterMASH going. Why? Why?! We just can’t figure it out.

By Paul K Pickett and Trevor J Pickett

By Elizabeth Downing Johnson

11Points.com creator Sam Greenspan is the most knowledgeable guy about everything, ever. Except cats and Star Trek. I had the opportunity to ask him 11 questions, (of course it was 11) so I did, and he answered them with his characteristic good-natured charm and cleverness. You might remember when I did a review of his book 11 Points Guide to Hooking Up.  I was a fan then, and I’m even more of a fan now, especially since he answered my questions thoughtfully and thoroughly, and didn’t once ask if I was dropped on my head as a child. Read on to learn more about Sam.

1.  Do you make lists for everything in your life (grocery, Christmas card, apocalypse survival kit, etc.) or do you save that for your website and book?

Making 11-item lists has become a creepily subconscious habit. Like I try to extend to-do lists to 11 and such now. I also spot 11s everywhere, like Jim Carrey in that movie “The Number 23″. Which I didn’t see, but I think I got the gist from the trailer.

2.  What is your favorite subject to make lists about?

My favorite lists are the ones about race, religion and grammar — quite possibly because those are the last three taboos in society.

3. Is there anything that you would not make a list about?

I try to only write about what I know and can speak about from a completely informed position. There are 11 Star Trek movies, but I’ve never made the list ranking them because I simply don’t know Star Trek the series well enough to handle the movie in context. And also cats. I won’t write about cats.

Sam Greenspan refuses to write about cats. And cats refuse to write about him!

4. Have you learned more through school or through your research for your lists?  If it’s the latter, bummer about those school loans, huh?

Trivia-wise, nothing could compare to doing 11 Points. Each one I write is like a term paper. I probably put an average of three hours into each one… which is why I don’t write them daily. However, I don’t think I’d be able to write if I hadn’t gone to school and been indoctrinated with the hardcore principles of journalism. At least that’s what I tell myself.

5.  You acknowledged Oprah in 11 Points…, when does your own show on the O Network start?

Hopefully before the network ends.

6. Do you have a surplus of unused 11 points lists that you probably will never publish and if so, how much more do you think they will be worth once you’re dead?

I have no cache. I am never ahead. And generally I pick the topic I’m going to write approximately 12 hours before the list is published. But if there’s a market for my writing when I’m dead, I hope people want to buy the first 20 pages of 25 unfinished screenplays.

It's possible that a book of Sam Greenspan's unfinished screenplays would be featured on Reading Rainbow.

7.  Was your choice to use 11 points inspired by Spinal Tap’s amplifiers?  Otherwise, why are top 10 lists for cowards?

I didn’t even think of Spinal Tap when I was creating the site, but now I’m well aware of the connection. 11 was one of my favorite numbers growing up — it was my sports number. (In middle school, when I played sports.)  At the time when I was starting it, my friends and I were going through a big phase of calling people cowards — so when I settled on the 11-item list idea, that tagline immediately popped into my head. I’m glad it did, because it works really well — whenever I give someone a business card, they laugh at the tagline. Or perhaps at the fact that I have business cards that are hot pink.

 8.  Do you moisturize?

I have this tendency to get absurdly chapped lips whenever I go on a trip with friends. I get dehydrated, I drink alcohol, and my lips turn to cracked paste. Then I use a special medicated type of lip balm to try to moisturize them. But otherwise, no. Absolutely not.

9.  What websites do you frequent and why?

I watch Hulu approximately 100 times more than I watch Netflix. I like a constantly updated stream of fresh TV shows more than a rarely-updated stream of two- to 13-year-old movies. And I check my own site hourly to make sure it’s still alive.

10.  If you were Super Mario, would you write lists about plumbing, or just about Koopa?  

I think I would need to eventually diversify and write about everything. When you work day-to-day as a plumber, you’re going to want to write about plumbing. And also I’d write about my job as a boxing referee, that’s got to be pretty exciting.

11.  When is the next book coming out and what type of lists will it contain?

The next book is still in the early phases, but things look good. I can’t say yet what the subject will be, but it won’t be another dating book. It might not even stick so rigidly to the list format. That will be determined soon.  I promise, I will tell you as soon as things are formalized.

You can get your 11 item list fix on at 11Points.com, and be sure to pick up a copy of Sam’s book, 11 Points Guide to Hooking Up: Lists and Advice about First Dates, Hotties, Scandals, Pick-ups, Threesomes, and Booty Calls.

Despite being a commercial failure upon its initial release (that’s what you get for going toe to toe with Half-Life 2), Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines is still growing strong. Despite ostensibly causing developer Troika Games to go under several months later and containing a notorious amount of bugs (although the Troika crew did work unpaid on a patch attempting to fix these), the game was well liked by critics and continues to have a faithful cult following to this day. One of the things Bloodlines is best known for is arguably its writing, and with such a large cast of highly memorable characters it’s easy to see why. But which NPCs really drew you in (or, alternatively, repelled you), making the game all the better for it? Read on for a tentative top ten.

Jeanette/Therese Voerman

The game’s poster girl and archetypal Malkavian, Jeanette is both eye candy and a well-rounded (okay, perhaps not the best choice of words for various reasons) character. A disturbed young woman turned vampire, the player sees the flirtatious but childish Jeanette battle with her sister dour businesswoman Therese… only it is eventually revealed that they both live in the same lovingly rendered body. “Tourette”, as she is otherwise affectionately known, is probably the best known character in Bloodlines, and is excellently portrayed by the lovely Grey DeLisle.

Velvet Velour

Velvet Velour, known to her favourites as simply VV, is owner and star of Hollywood’s most popular strip club, the suggestively named Vesuvius. A rival to Jeanette as far as eye candy goes, beneath her conventionally vampish (you know what I mean) exterior lies the gentle, easily love-struck soul of a poet. Seemingly a genuinely nice person (inasmuch as a vampire can be), it’s hard to dislike VV. Additionally, if your character is a Malkavian your mad insight gives you a brief glimpse into her past (something, admittedly, she is not very keen on elaborating on).

Gimble

Quite possibly one of the first opponents you ever face, and also one of the creepiest. You know something is up from the moment you hear his weird, wheedling voice down the telephone line, and then once you actually meet him in the flesh (try not to shudder) and he tells you about how he purposely removed his own hand in order to replace it with a prosthetic… yeaaah. It’s hard to be surprised when he ambushes you with a severed arm (which actually makes a rather serviceable weapon for a little while), but one thing’s certain: you certainly feel a lot happier once he’s dead and you’re out of there.

Aleister Grout

Dr Aleister Grout, Malkavian Primogen, never actually physically appears during the course of the game (unless you count his ashes after he was staked and left out for the sun); the only way you actually encounter him is in the form of a series of recordings that are scattered about his mansion. Despite this, his monologues still give you an excellent sense of his character, most notably his rather steep descent into madness shortly after being brought into vampire society (though you could arguably blame his Malkavian blood for a good deal of that).

Knox Harrington

Knox is the spectacularly irritating fanboy ghoul of Bertram Tung who ambushes you shortly after you start playing the game, and it’s all you can do to stop yourself from attacking him upon hearing him exclaim “Oh jeez, oh man!” for the fourth time in as many lines of dialogue. However, I still have a grudging fondness for Knox and cartoon vampire-emblazoned jacket, especially as it’s strongly intimated that he’s far smarter than he acts. Think about it; would Tung really have a complete idiot as a ghoul?

Smiling Jack

An ex-pirate turned vampire voiced by John DiMaggio; what’s not to like? Jack, who first appeared in White Wolf’s Los Angeles by Night supplement, has your back from beginning to end, and as both an Anarch and a Brujah (as well as being a general badass) isn’t afraid of voicing his true opinions on the Prince. He’s also the one who’s responsible for introducing you to the mysterious taxi driver, and despite his brash exterior is heavily implied to have done enough behind the scenes meddling to impress even the most conniving kindred.

Nines Rodriguez

While the Anarchs, by their very nature, have no real leader, if they did have one it would undoubtedly be Nines. Nines is the one who ensures your continued existence by objecting to Prince LaCroix’s initial plan to execute you, also saving your unlife yet again by rescuing you from a Sabbat ambush. The guy is pretty damn tough. A survivor of the Great Depression, his brawling expertise can earn you some free combat skills if you play your cards rights, while towards the end of the game he even manages to single-handedly take out a werewolf (considering his grisly trophy he could very well have ripped its head clean off).

Beckett

A rare academic Gangrel, Beckett is a historian whose primary goal is to find out more about kindred origins. Having come to Santa Monica to investigate reports of unusual goings on in the area, he gives the player helpful – if sarcastic – advice as well as elaborating on his various academic theories (some of these notorious among other kindred scholars). With a sweet browncoat, shades to hide his glowing red eyes and voice acting talent of Michael Gough, it’s hard not to like Beckett at least a little bit.

Officer Chunk

The stereotypical overweight, middle-aged security guard, Chunk’s blissful ignorance and resolutely cheerful disposition makes it hard to feel more than occasional mild annoyance for him. Your encounters with Chunk frequently put him at the mercy of your disciplines, usually to hilarious effect (he does cut a rather funky figure on The Asylum’s dance floor, doesn’t he?). Chunk eventually ends up manning the reception desk at LaCroix’s downtown tower, but if you happen to kill him, he is replaced by his disturbingly similar brother. Maybe Chunk is smarter than he’s given credit for…

Gary Golden

Gary used to be known as Gorgeous Gary Golden before his embrace. Once a handsome – and arrogant – movie star, it was only a matter of time before a Nosferatu decided to inflict him with the clan’s personal brand of cruelly ironic justice. He carried on this clan tradition when embracing a childe of his own: Imalia had been a gorgeous and exceedingly vain supermodel in life. Disturbingly stealthy, darkly witty and with an appetite for the grotesque, these nights Gary is the undisputed Nosferatu Primogen and keeper of more juicy bits of Hollywood gossip than he cares to divulge.

Honourable Mention: The guy from the Van Helsing test. This poor guy is told to wave a cross at you in order to see if you react; you don’t. How you deal with him then is up to you, but few vampires would say no to some free blood (even if it is contained inside a rather hefty hazmat suit).

Ella found compiling this list a welcome break from trying to persuade people to buy laptops, but just don’t ask her to put them in any particular order; deciding on one would just be too damn hard.