The Worst Poetry in the World

There are good poems and there are bad poems in the world. Then there is the worst poetry in the world on a whole different level of its own. These are the poems that make your eyes bleed and make you want to forget all the words you have ever learned.

My Heart is a Wiffle Ball / Freedom Pole – Kristen Stewart

I reared digital moonlight

You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black

Worst Poetry in the World

The readers of Marie Claire magazine were deeply honoured to be able to read all of Kristen Stewart’s bold attempt at writing the world’s worst poem. She said that doesn’t want to sound “f**king utterly pretentious” but that after writing her delicious poems she thinks, “Holy f**k, that’s crazy”. With those delightful turns of phrase and imaginative use of vocabulary it is easy to see why she writes poetry.

The Tay Bridge Disaster – William McGonagall

For the stronger we our houses do build

The less chance we have of being killed.

Worst Poetry in the World

Scottish poet McGonagall is widely regarded as being the worst poet to have ever written horrible stuff on pieces of paper in an overly earnest way. His Tay Bridge Disaster is a genuine disaster and is often called the worst poem of all time. Oh I don’t know, a lady called Jennifer might have a thing or two to say about that.

Lucky in Love – Jennifer Aniston

You’ve brought luck to love

I’ve been hit by a truck in love

Worst Poetry in the World

Anyone who has ever been hit by a truck in love – and I think it’s safe to say we have all been at some point – knows exactly what Jen is getting at in this profound poem. She’s telling us that when someone brings you luck in love you can expect to get smashed by a heavy goods vehicle before they dump you. She wrote it as a tribute to the charming and not at all sleazy slimeball John Mayer.

Remembrance of Who I am – Britney Spears

You trick me one, twice, now it’s three

Look who’s smiling now /Damn, it’s good to be me!

The Worst Poetry in the World 

Ah Britney, you had the world at your feet and you tripped up and fell over it. Hit Me Baby One More Time was clearly a word of dark, twisted, poetic genius. However, this cringe inducing poem is just awful. It might not be the worst poetry in the world ever but it has got to be in the top ten.

A Poem for Dzhokhar- Amanda Palmer

You don’t know how orgasmic the act of taking in a lungful of oxygen is

Until they hold your head under the water

Worst Poetry in the World

Is it time to be controversial yet? As this is now the 21st century I reckon that it’s safe to say that I really don’t like Shakespeare’s poems at all. We all know phrases from his works, like “star cross lovers”, “all that glitters is not gold” and “a gangster’s paradise”. Hang on, that was Coolio, wasn’t it? Bill wrote about “a fool’s paradise”. He is said to have contributed more phrases to the English language than anyone else. That was nice of him but I still don’t like his poems. Having said that, next to Amanda Palmer the Bard looks like, actually, he looks like Shakespeare.

A Dog Named Beau – Jimmy Stewart

He’d dig up a rosebush just to spite me

And when I’d grab him, he’d turn to bite me.

Worst Poetry in the World

Jimmy Stewart turned up on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson to delight the watching world with a hideous poem about his dead dog. It was gruesome stuff.

A Tragedy – Theophile Jules-Henri Marzials

Drop

Dead

Plop, flop

Plop

Worst Poetry in the World

Some people have called this the single worst line from a poem in history. It’s really hard to build up a convincing case to suggest otherwise.

The Weird Magazines You Can Read if You Really Want to

 

 

 

 

 

 

We already knew that the world was a strange place but who knew that it was this freaking strange? The list of the weird magazines you can read if you want to is long and unsettlingly compelling.

Sheep!

The Weird Magazines You Can Read if You Really Want to

For me, the thing that really elevates this magazine into the realms of the best ovine publication around is the fact that there is an excitable exclamation mark in the name. They really, really want this to be a cracking good read that gets you excited, don’t they? The story about making buttons from sheep horns sounds especially fascinating.

Crappie World

The Weird Magazines You Can Read if You Really Want to

Apart from having the best magazine name in the entire known universe, Crappie World also looks like a riveting read. Spawn’s Over What’s Next? they ask. If I’m being honest I have absolutely no idea but now that you mention it I wouldn’t mind finding out.

Knives Illustrated

The Weird Magazines You Can Read if You Really Want to

If you thought that knives were just for cutting things then it could be time to think again. These useful kitchen implements can also form the basis of a satisfying and moderately healthy obsession. I mean hobby.

Fashion Doll

The Weird Magazines You Can Read if You Really Want to

Anyone who likes to dress up creepy dolls in a sinister fashion outfit will be rushing to buy this weird magazine as fast as their legs can carry them. Sadly, it appears to be only a quarterly publication, so you will have a few sad, empty months in your life while you wait for the next edition.

Miniature Railway

The Weird Magazines You Can Read if You Really Want to

I find it scarcely believable that any person of sound mind could fill a magazine with “52 pages of miniature railway content”. My mind is at least put at ease by the banner proclaiming it as the “UK’s action-packed miniature railway guide”. Here was me thinking that it might be just a little bit dull and lacking in action.

Portable Restroom Operator

The Weird Magazines You Can Read if You Really Want to

It must be a lonely business operating a portable restroom. Sure, there’s the buzz of taking it to the latest destination and the thrill of seeing people from different cities poop in it but wouldn’t it be great if you could reach out and network with other portable restroom operators? This weird magazine promises very little to anyone who hasn’t built a career out of transporting toilets around. Which is just about every single person in the whole world, really.

Miniature Donkey Talk

The Weird Magazines You Can Read if You Really Want to

Owning a miniature donkey used to be a hobby fraught with danger. It really was a step into the unknown, as you worried about what would happen if the little chap became obese, suffered from winter colic or even got a deadly cough. Even worse, what is the situation with regards to your liability for loose donkeys? It was almost enough to put you off the idea of buying a tiny donkey in the first place.

Bacon Busters

Weird Magazines

So, you not only like hunting hogs but you also like reading about other people hunting them, eh? Have you ever considered a new hobby? I hear that miniature railways offer a lot of pleasure and action.

Girls and Corpses

Weird Magazines

In the world of weird magazines you need to go a long way to beat Girls and Corpses. I chose one of the more subtle covers for you to peruse but I reckon that you get the idea.

The Funniest Things about Public Transport

Travelling by bus or train is always an interesting experience. You never know who or what you might find on these trips but if you are lucky you might come across a few of the funniest things about public transport.

People Falling Asleep

People Falling Asleep and the Funniest Things about Public Transport

One of the worst feelings in the world is when you are on a bus or train and feel your head starting to droop uncontrollably. Sure, you’ve got your pride and you jerk awake a few times but you know fine well that it is going to end in large amounts of drooling and weird body movements. Of course, when you do this it is tragic and regrettable but when others do it is funny and worth taking a snap of.

People Falling Asleep on You

Sleeping People and the Funniest Things about Public Transport

If there’s one thing worse than falling asleep on public transport it is falling asleep on top of someone else. In fact, scrub that. Worse of all is when someone else falls asleep on top of you. At this point I can recommend a sharp elbow to the ribs of the sleeping beauty. If your elbows are too blunt for this then moving away so that they fall over is equally acceptable.

People Shaving Their Head

The Funniest Things about Public Transport and People Shaving Head

There you are on the train to work when you think to yourself, “Strewth, my head isn’t as smoothly shaved as I would like it to be, although I do have a handy shaving device here.” Thankfully, the cabin appears to be almost empty so after a few seconds of deliberation you do what any sensible bald dude in need of a head shave would do.

The Weird People

Weird People and The Funniest Things about Public Transport

Isn’t it strange how you are the only sane person to use public transport? Sure, I’m sane as well but you’ve never travelled on the same public transport as me. Well, unless you’re the dude who fell asleep and slobbered on my shoulder that time in London. If you are then I hope your ribs are feeling better. I used to travel on the Tube every day in London and it was filled with the weirdest and most potentially psychotic characters imaginable. I found that staring emptily into space and then running like hell once I got to my station was the best approach to avoiding these people. Actually, that probably made me seem a bit weird too, didn’t it?

The People Who Arrive Just Too Late

The Funniest Things about Public Transport and People Arriving Late?

I’m sorry. I know I’m cruel and unspeakably evil but I think that one of the funniest things about public transport is when someone arrives just too late and the door slams shut in their face just as they are counting their fare and wondering whose shoulder they are going to fall asleep on. At this point we get to see people’s real personalities, so don’t look away and miss the best bit. Some frustrated would-be commuters will get all upset and aim a kick at the door or start shouting. Others will keep running after the bus or train in the vain hope that it will stop at some point for them (these are funniest ones and should be encouraged). If you are ever in this situation then the most elegant solution is to slow down and nonchalantly pretend that you didn’t really want to get on in the first place.

People Eating Huge Amounts of Food

The Funniest Things about Public Transport and People Eating a Lot

Am I the only person who finds it weird and slightly disturbing when fellow passengers start eating huge amounts of food on public transport? Surely not. I’ve always wondered why they do this. Are they too hungry to travel all the way home before tucking in? Are they keen to make everyone else there feel ravenously hungry while they smugly stuff their faces?

The Funny Road Signs you Don’t Want to Ignore

There are some funny road signs that are good for a laugh but others are more serious. These are the signs that warn of wizards, pooping planes and all sorts of other nasty stuff. You don’t want to ignore them.

The Runaway Wheelchair Sign

The Funny Road Signs

Anyone who gets around on a wheelchair will want to get their brakes tested before going to this place. It seems as though a handy steep gradient takes you straight into the waiting jaws of a lurking crocodile. Just as you would expect, really.

The Wizard Sign

The Funny Road Signs

One of the worst things about driving these days is when those awful wizards stop you from passing from one place to another. Why don’t they just mind their own business and fight dragons, cast evil spells and do whatever else it is that wizards do?

The Badly Translated Sign

The Funny Road Signs?

If I’m being honest, if probably makes more sense to learn the original language this was written in than to try and understand the translation. It sure was nice of them to translate it for us but the result isn’t at all helpful to anyone.

The Detached Hand Sign

The Funny Road Signs?

Good Lord! It looks like a detached hand could attack your car in this place. This gruesome looking road sign appears to be trying to tell us something really important but I can’t work out what it is. Whatever it is, you don’t want to watch that old horror movie The Beast with 5 Fingers before you come here.

The Drunken People Sign

The Funny Road Signs

This is a funny road sign but might it could also save you from running over a prostrate drunken person who is crossing the road on all fours while using his personal force field to maintain a bottle in the air. It’s not something I’ve seen a lot but thanks for the warning guys.

The Weird Speed Limit Sign

The Funny Road Signs?

So, how fast exactly can I go here? Even the drunks who are crawling along the floor with their floating bottles would probably stop and scratch their heads at this one. It is 4 15/16 MPH you can go at here. That seems not only very slow but also improbably precise.

The Killer Tomatoes Sign

The Funny Road Signs?

We’re back to corny old horror movies for this one, aren’t we? I once caught a few terrifying minutes of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and I’ve never been able to look at salads in the same way since. I had always secretly suspected that it was the cucumbers that were most evil but it turns out that the annoyingly indecisive fruit / vegetable dudes are the one you need to be aware of.

The Plane Danger Sign

The Funny Road Signs

I like to think that I am intelligent enough to work out what most signs mean. Sure, if it read like gibberish or has a mysteriously detached hand on it I might struggle. However, when all it contains it the word “Danger” and the image of a small plane pooping on a car I think it’s pretty clear what we need to look out for here.

The Stupid Kids Sign

The Funny Road Signs

If it wasn’t for those stupid kids driving would be a lot easier, wouldn’t it be? Thankfully, there’s a funny road sign that reminds you to look out for them while you are behind the wheel.

The Worst Ever Halloween Outfits

Halloween is such a great time of year, isn’t it? At least it is if you don’t make the terrible mistake of dressing up in one of the worst ever Halloween outfits like these people did.

The Tampax Outfit

Worst ever halloween outfits

The absolute worst thing about this tragic Halloween outfit is the fact that the guy wearing it looks so smug. He really, genuinely thinks that he is the smartest person on the planet and possibly even in the entire Solar System. He’s not. He’s a guy who dresses up as a box of tampons.

The Sesame Street Dudes

Worst ever halloween outfits

I think that these two feckless fellows are meant to be Sesame Street characters whose faces have melted following a nuclear attack in which Big Bird got his feathers frazzled, although the presence of the rubber duck has me somewhat puzzled.

The Terrible Smurf Costumes

Worst ever halloween Costumes

If there is one thing better than a terrible Halloween outfit it is a 3 in 1 special. This group of cheeky trick or treaters have put some work into their look but it is, frankly, awful. The one who is looking in a mirror seems strangely pleased with the look, though.

The Star Wars Outfit Disaster

Worst ever halloween outfits

Star Wars is ripe for happy go lucky Halloween outfits. Sadly, this attempt to look like Princess Leila is just about the worst thing I have ever seen that didn’t involve any of the Kardashians. It’s so bad that I just don’t know where to start with it.

The Phone Outfit

Worst ever halloween Costumes

On the face of it, this is a fairly interesting and even clever outfit. However, the guy’s miserable, defeated attitude helps to drag it down. You really need to plaster a smile on your face and look the world in the eye if you’re going to wear an outrageous outfit like this one. This phone guy just wants the ground to open up and swallow him.

The Balloon Outfit

Worst ever halloween outfits

Does anyone out there even know what this weird Halloween outfit is meant to represent? It looks to me as though a lazy woman just stuck a few balloons on her t-shirt and, well, that’s it really. What a weird, mixed up world we live in these days.

The Soda Outfit

Worst ever halloween costumes

If you have a young child and a burning desire to dress them up as a bottle of soda there are many ways of going about it. Simply sticking a couple of parts of a plastic bottle on their body isn’t really making much of an effort in my book.

The Cutlery Outfit

Worst ever halloween outfits

Hmm, this expensive and highly time consuming outfit didn’t really work out all that well, did it? The chap with the cutlery on his hands clearly felt that his uncanny resemblance to a fictional superhero meant that he could get away with the cheapest and laziest Halloween outfit ever. He was wrong.

The Sheep Guy Outfit

Worst ever halloween outfits

Is this sort of thing considered normal behaviour in some parts of the world? On the one hand, I salute our sheep loving buddy for his ingenuity. On the other hand, this outfit is possibly the single most ridiculous thing I have ever seen in my life. It has also completely put me off the Shepherd’s Pie I was planning on having for dinner later on.