Everyone knows the tale: a beautiful princess or otherwise unattached woman is trapped in some dangerous situation, like being held captive by a dragon or evil wizard, when her knight in shining armor arrives, kicks a whole bunch of evil ass, and rescues the girl. His reward: most likely the best rescue sex he’s ever had.

Depending on who he is, he's probably had a lot of rescue sex.

This is one of the classic fairy tale stories of all time, and has been used in everything from King Arthur to Spiderman. But my question is this: is rescuing this fair maiden in mortal peril really worth it? I submit that it is not. Let’s start by looking at it from a logical standpoint: why are you rescuing this person in the first place?

Because you’re a sucker for ladies with Cinnabon hair?

True Love? How can that be possible if you’ve never met the person? Hell, Love at first sight can’t even apply until first sight, and in order to do that, you have to commit to the dangerous undertaking of fetching this woman that you’ve seen only in pictures and R2D2’s hologram projector. Perhaps you’re looking for favor with the king, or think you can get yourself into the royal family. That would explain the rescue, if she’s royalty and you knew she was royalty beforehand, but what if she isn’t royalty?

What if she’s just a woman held captive by a giant monkey?

What if you’re just out to kill the bad guy, and rescuing the damsel is just a bonus? Possible, I suppose, but unless you’re Conan the Barbarian, odds are you aren’t going to go looking for a fight with a fucking dragon. We are left with but one option: Sir Lancelot is on a booty call. That’s all fine well and good, plenty of people have done really stupid things in the name of gettin’ some, but are you telling me that the only way to get any action in Camelot is to fight a horrifying monster first? John F. Kennedy would beg to differ.

Oh yea, I went there.

They call prostitution “the world’s oldest profession” for a reason: it’s always there. You can go anywhere in the world and find a hooker, I bet you could pick one up in St. Peter’s Square if you’re bold enough. Even if you don’t want to have to pay for it, if you’re a dashing knight of the Round Table, there isn’t going to be any shortage of ladies of the court willing to spread them for you. The point I’m trying to make is that there are easier ways to get laid than taking on a 50 foot tall fire breathing monster with a pointy piece of metal.

Or a helicopter mounted machine gun, whatever your preference.

But, let’s just say you have a legitimate reason for rescuing the damsel, you kick the dragon in the balls and make off with the lady. Your problems won’t stop there. Why do you think this woman was held captive in the first place? Most likely, it’s because she’s functionally retarded, useless, and incredibly shallow. What’s more, she’s probably going to treat you like shit because she’s high strung and not used to roughing it out in the woods on the trip back to the castle.

Oh shut the hell up, Peach. You know how many castles I had to go through to find you? Do you know what kind of bullshit I’ve had to put up with?

If you survive the trip home, you then are confronted by the fact that she’s not putting out until you get married, that is, if she still wants to spend the rest of her life with you when she sees all the nattily dressed Earls and Dukes hanging around court. But, let’s speculate some more, and say that you make it through the gauntlet of the nobility and marry the girl, and have many fine nights of sexual bliss. You’re still forgetting one very important factor.

The Death Star is still blowing shit up?

Your damsel in distress is called that for a reason. She’s helpless. She’s most likely going to find herself in some sort of distress again, and it’s going to be up to you to rescue her again. If you’re really unlucky, you’ll end up with someone like Olive Oyl, who is always being kidnapped and having Popeye kick Bluto’s ass to get her back. The damsel in distress is like a toddler: if you don’t watch her all the time, she’s going to get her face stuck in a toilet bowl and you’ll have to break down 3 castle walls and fight 32 ninjas to get her out. And you know what? She’s going to be an ungrateful bitch about it too.

Give it up, Peter. No matter how many times you rescue her, she is never going to have sex with you.

In conclusion, I hope all you aspiring heroes out there are now aware that saving the damsel in distress isn’t worth the trouble it’s going to cause you, and maybe now that you’ve got those silly notions out of your head, you’ll move on to more retarded movie clichés, like letting your mortal enemy have his sword back when engaged in a mortal duel. But that stupidity will have to wait for another article.

By: Ben Adelman