The Disappointing Aspects of Time Travelling the Movies Don’t Tell You About

According to the movies time travelling is fantastic. Sure, you might alter the course of history and almost destroy humanity in the process but just think about how much fun it always looks like. It’s a shame to think that time travelling isn’t as exciting as we are led to believe that it is. If you don’t believe me then take a look at this evidence.

Your Life Is, Was and Will Be Kind of Dull

Time Travelling and Time Pieces

Why would you want to go back and see what you did 10 years ago or what you are going to be doing in 10 years time? You are only going to get depressed when you see how boring your life was, will be and therefore surely is currently. I admit that zipping through the years might be mildly entertaining if you could relive that great time you went to the beach with Angelina Jolie or get a sneak preview of the night you become a national hero by scoring an unbelievably important goal or a home run or whatever. None of this happened or will happen though. Instead, you will see how you used to sit around doing nothing exciting and how in the future, well, guess what you do?
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Would You Rather Endure an Evening with Tom Cruise or Watch Mission Impossible?

There are many ways to suffer a horrible evening and there are two particular fears of mine; being stuck somewhere alone with Tom Cruise or being forced to watch Mission Impossible. So which one would be worse? It looks like it is going to be a close one to call but let’s see if we can work it out.

The Boredom Factor

You would think that a multi millionaire actor who has worked with some of the most famous people on the planet and


travelled all over the place would be interesting, wouldn’t you? So why does Tom Cruise Mapother IV seem so dull? He just seems to be like a cardboard cutout person who only exists in his films, doesn’t he? I get the feeling that I wouldn’t be quite so bored watching Mission Impossible, mainly because of its so-bad-it’s-almost-but-not-quite-funny factor. I saw a little bit of it once and it was so unbelievably horrible that I started to laugh, just like I used to do with those old B-movies where the sets wobbled and you could see the normal shoes peeking out from under the monsters’ costumes.
This is a point for the film I think, although I could live to regret it.Then I stopped laughing. This is the stage where boredom is likely to set in quickly.  The bit I saw was one of those hackneyed, drawn out fight sequences where the bad guy died and the good guy turned away triumphantly. Oh look, he’s

not dead and now he’s killed the good guy. Except he’s not. Yawn.


Mission Impossible:1
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B Movies: From The Theater To Your Home




Have you recently went to the movies and experienced the endless commercials before the actual movie started? Well, in the past, when movies were beginning to be shown in theaters or cinemas in the late 1890′s, that didn’t exist as a form of advertising. The very first modern or storefront type theater in the United States opened on June 26, 1896 at the Vitascope Hall on Canal Street in New Orleans, Louisiana.

At the time, more and more theaters popped up throughout the United States and it became a popular form of entertainment. These theaters would show the popular movies of the time. Almost like the establishments were grooming the theaters to become a classy form of entertainment.



The 1930′s and 1940′s would show the fans of movie theaters that they had a degenerative side to them as well, well in the eyes of those who didn’t appreciate things like humor and the like.


To give the customer more bang for their buck, movie houses would present a double feature and start the show with a cartoon and a newsreel. The first film was usually shorter than the main film. The main, feature length film was called the “A” movie by the theater owner and the first movie shown was called the “B” movie. The “B” movie was usually low budget and starred most unknown or little known actors. The “B” movie was said to be, by the patrons, entertaining in a non-flattering way.



The “B” movies were shown in theaters until the 1950′s, when the Drive-Ins began showing these movies every weekend. These Drive-Ins shown the “B”movies because the teenagers were rarely paying attention to the flick,  they were too busy making out in their cars. By the end of the 1970′s, Drive-Ins started showing mainstream movies such as “The Omen” and exploitation and pornographic films.


For a while, “B” movies were hard to find until customers began to purchase the big technological advancement called the “VCR”, or video cassette recorder. The cassettes were called “VHS” tapes and that is when the “B” movies were accessible within the comfort, and privacy, of the customers home. The “VHS” tape cover art was as good, or bad, as the movies themselves. Some people even rented these tapes based on the cover art from the video store, all the while, getting a raised eyebrow from the store clerk.


Characteristics of B Movies


Some ways to detect a “B” movie from a mainstream movie include:


  • Unknown actors or little known actors such as Shannon Tweed and Fred Ward.
  • Low budget. Usually five hundred thousand dollars or less.
  • Innovative design or shooting. Think “The Blair Witch Project” shaky camera.
  • Odd or out of the box subject matter
  • Genre specific – Action, Horror, etc.

Notable Directors, Actors, and Movies


The most famous “B” Movie director of all time is arguably Roger Corman. Corman directed over four hundred movies including “Sharktopus”, “Death Race 2000″, Swamp Women” and “Caged Heat”.


Johnathan Demme directed “Crazy Mama” and co-directed “Caged Heat” with Roger Corman before directing bigger movies such as “Silence of the Lambs”.

Lloyd Kaufman is the “Troma Film” king! Kaufman is the creator and director of the “Toxic Avenger” movies and such classic “B” movies as “Bloodsucking Freaks” and “Class of Nuke ‘Em High”. Kaufman has directed over one thousand movies, most of them “B” movies.


Have you ever heard of Bela Legosi or Pam Grier? What about Vincent Price? They all got their start in “B” movies.

Bruce Campbell of “Evil Dead” fame has starred in many “B” movies such as, well, “Evil Dead”.

Sid Haig from Rob Zombie movies “House of 1,000 Corpses” and “The Devil’s Rejects” has starred in many “B” movies since the 1970′s.


With choices such as “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”, “Basket Case”, Two Thousand Maniacs” or “Alligator”, you can make up an idea and it’s probably a “B” film. Want to watch a movie about a mama’s boy that runs over people with a lawnmower? Fine, it’s called “Dead Alive”. How about a movie where a father flushed his kids small pet alligator down the toilet and it grows in the New York City sewer system and returns as a giant killer? That exists too as “Alligator”.


“B” movies are horrible, great, exciting, crazy, awful, fun, bloody, bad, and humorous all in one great package. When searching for a movie to watch, don’t underestimate a great ” B” movie. You may not be disappointed.


Top Movies That Won’t Get You Laid

Anything by Sasha Baren Cohen.

Borat Swimsuit


Yes, he’s married to the hot woman from Wedding Crashers, but he also writes and directs movies  with lots of “wang”.  Farting and penis jokes aside, Sasha’s movies are crude and they abound with low brow humor.

Om nom nom.

Om nom nom.


Movies with sexual jokes can be a turn on for sure.  But when the movie opens with a scene about rimming, and the disgusting

reasons it isn’t always a good idea, awkward doesn’t quite cover it.

Anything with Alien Chest Bursting or Demonic Possession

Nothing says sexy like an critter bursting from a main character’s chest.  Avoid Prometheus, Instinct,

Chest Burst from aliens won't get you laid

Worst moment in the film to pull the ‘ol’penis in the popcorn’ trick.

Predator and anything from HR Giger. Projectile vomiting and spinning heads are also “Not Sexy.”

Train Spotting, Requiem for a Dream, and Gummo

Requiem for not getting laid

I can hear the ocean.

These druggie, trashy, dirty movies leave you more likely to go home to get a shower than set for a night of getting it on.  And that was before the rats and bed wetting.

Blue Valentine

Love story gone wrong combined with all of the reasons not to have sex.  Not first date material.  Add to this any movie with a unplanned pregnancy because nothing says mood killer like morning sickness, pregnant moms, and abortion conversations.  Also off the list, any movie with STDs, Death by jealous girlfriend, and tragic rape movies.

Blue Valentine won't get you laid

Hey Baby Cakes, Let’s become trash over time together.

Add to our list any movies you can think of that serve as a cinematic cock block or help us build the top list of movies that will get you laid.