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Movies So Awful You Can’t Disengage

October 6, 2015 By Anne Burwell Leave a Comment

There’s a fine line between “artistic expression” and just plain drivel. A line whose first and only dependable guardian is Sir Self-Censorship.

But for some “artists” (usually of the self-proclaimed species), this trusty knight and retainer is mysteriously absent. Perhaps felled by the bloated, gorged and out of control Werewolves of Ego…

Cinematography is no stranger to such examples. It has plenty of movies that make us think it would have been better and more productive for everyone if the makers would have just went out for a beer and procrastinated instead on that particular evening of their conception. Movies so awful you can’t disengage, as paradoxically as that is.

How to describe them?

You know that feeling when it’s like you just stepped into a different dimension with your shoe-laces untied on mismatched shoes and a winter cap pulled over your eyes so you can barely see the bizarre discard-the-laws-of-physics things happening around?

Of course you don’t. But you might if you try to figure out the rationale behind these following gems hunted and discovered by Rotten Tomatoes’ regular contributor Michael Adam as research for his book “Showgirls, Teen Wolves and Astro Zombies”.

1. Showgirls – 1995

Showgirls, one of the movies so awful you can't disengage.

When you try to make a movie about the dramatic lives of Las Vegas strippers and casino workers, you’d better get your cohesion on. A little intensity and a dash of careful psychological study wouldn’t hurt either. Not to mention other elements like researching the local “culture” and behavior, pacing etc.

Which is what doesn’t happen in this attempt by writer Joe Eszterhas and director Paul Verhoeven of “Basic Instinct” fame. The dialogue tries to be “incisive” and “raw” but fails, the love scene between Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan fails to arouse. In short, the whole construction fails like a conglomeration of badly placed Tetris parts.

2. The Giant Spider Invasion – 1975

Among the movies so awful you can't disengage is The Giant Spider Invasion.

Mix up not-the-brightest-tool-in-the-shed rednecks, summarily dressed redneckettes, off-world genocidal spiders initially small and looking suspiciously like your average tarantulas until you get introduced to the giant hulking unstoppable monster version and what do you get? Well, “The Giant Spider Invasion”. Oh, and the giant spider is actually a VolksWagen car in a spider suit with the people inside twitching the “legs” to make it look realistic.

3. Howling II – Your Sister Is A Werewolf – 1985

Movies so awful you can't disengage, featuring Howling 2: Your Sister Is A Werewolf.

Supposedly a sequel of the 1981 original by Joe Dante, this masterpiece is what happens when an erotic horror attempt goes off its arguably tiny wheels to begin with and smashes into the dense forests of Ridiculous Land to turn into a blazing, eye-catching mess.

It stars Christoper Lee as an occult investigator matched against the werewolf Queen Stirba (Sybil Danning) and her servants. The acting (or lack of) by co-stars Annie McEnroe and Reb Brown is cringe-worthy, the make-up effects are so good they make you think of candy and there’s a theme song by Babel as enticing as a dripping water faucet. And more.

4. The Black Gestapo – 1975

Here's one of the movies so awful you can't disengage: The Black Gestapo (1975).

Wait… what? Safe to say certain producers need a historical dictionary or some-such, preferably applied with sufficient force to the side of the head. “Ge – sta – pooooh. Sink in yet? …. That’s right. … No, you can’t make the Gestapo officers black. It would be like making Malcom X a White Supremacist. Glad I could help. Run along and procrastinate now. It’s better for everybody”.

What other negative things can one say more about this movie that aren’t blatantly obvious by the title? Well, since you ask, the pacing and production ain’t quite peachy either. And it features the line “The new master race” in relation to the Black Gestapo. Aaaand a Hitleresque vibe when Kojah (the protagonist) holds a speech from a platform and says “The white community will feel our power!”.

5. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats – 1977

Movies so awful you can't disengage? Try Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

This one was so odd that even its release is out of the ordinary patterns. Although finished in 1977, it was released 3 decades later illegally, in the UK, because someone had managed to pirate a copy and make a video release DESPITE the fact that filmmaker George Barry hadn’t succeeded in acquiring any distribution. As these things tend to go, the movie naturally got a cult following, prompting an official release in 2003. A happy ending for the 6 years(!) of effort put in by the filmmaker (Barry started working on it in 1971). As for the theme of the movie, the title is eloquent: a bed digests various characters.

Image source: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Filed Under: movies Tagged With: awful, bad, bad movies, movie, movies

The Bad Eyebrows You Can’t Help Laughing At

March 2, 2014 By This Blog Rules Guest Leave a Comment

You might think that your eyebrows are the one part of your body which you can’t really screw up. You would be wrong. All over the world there are people walking around with ridiculously bad eyebrow fashion.

Tattoos Instead of Eyebrows

Bad Eyebrows

This guy had a clever thought once. Why, he thought to himself, don’t I get my eyebrows shaved off? Inspired by the surreal genius of this bold idea he went one step further and got Laugh Now tattooed over one eye and Cry Later over the other. So as not to leave any doubts about his taste and discretion he then got Hated By Many tattooed onto his neck.

The Weird Eyebrows

Bad Eyebrows

What on Earth went wrong here? Actually, it is far more worrying to consider that maybe nothing went wrong and that this was the weird eyebrow look she was really after all the time.

The Dotted Eyebrows

Bad Eyebrows

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it once again; “The world has gone utterly mad”. At least this woman has the good sense to look completely embarrassed about sporting horrible dotted eyebrows.

More Tattoos

Bad Eyebrows

This is what I believe experts called a Dapper Gentleman. Our hero decided to replace his god-given brows and replace them with a tattoo saying “wrongfully…convicted”. I wonder if the hair eventually grows back over the words when you do this.

The Wide Eyebrows

Bad Eyebrows

Wow, those beasts are big, aren’t they? In case you weren’t already aware, eyebrows are useful for keeping things like rain and sweat out of your eyes. With beauties like these, this lady will have dry eyes even if she stands under Niagara Falls for a couple of hours non-stop.

The Complete Package

Bad Eyebrows

This is the kind of face which fathers see in their nightmares, accompanied by their daughter’s sweet voice saying, “So, this is, like, my new boyfriend. Isn’t he a honey?” The most intriguing thing about this hunk of manliness is that his eyebrows aren’t even the scariest bits of hair on his face.

The Fish Eyebrows

Bad Eyebrows

I have called these fish eyebrows but I’m not even sure that’s what they are. No matter what they are, this fine young lady decided that they would be a good addition to her natural charms. Who am I to argue?

The Painfully Thin Eyebrows

Bad Eyebrows

As a rule of thumb, having eyebrows which are thinner than your earrings isn’t a great look. It’s not rocket science or anything; just putting your brain into gear before pencilling on really bad eyebrows like these.

The Bushy Eyebrows

Bad Eyebrows

I love these eyebrows. In fact, if eyebrow transplants ever become a feasible beauty treatment option I will rush to my nearest surgeon with this photo. Actually, I‘ve just checked it out and discovered that eyebrow transplants really exist. Hold me back. Please.

The Plant Eyebrows

Bad Eyebrows

I’m all for going back to nature and being green, I really am. I even hugged a tree at the weekend and got a warm glow from it. However, I don’t believe that it is completely unreasonable to draw the line at replacing my eyebrows with plants. In this case, the plants in question help to bring out the, err, the alluring green eye makeup, I guess.

Filed Under: fun, strange news Tagged With: bad, bad eyebrows, eyebrows, tattoo

5 Ridiculous Plane Crashes That Were Easily Preventable

August 22, 2011 By Vernon Gadson 3 Comments

Airplane crashes and accidents are horrific things, involving exploded and smashed things that would make Michael Bay blush, as well as high body counts. Usually, there is a chain of events that have to occur before any sort of disaster, but especially aircraft accidents. If anything in the chain is done differently, the accident doesn’t happen. In most cases, the circumstances of the accident are beyond that which anyone could have foreseen or stopped.

And then there’s the accidents that if someone hadn’t been asleep at the wheel, wouldn’t have gone down at all. [Read more…]

Filed Under: fun, strange news Tagged With: accidents, aeroplanes, airbus, airplanes, airport, bad, canada, dead, disasters, flight 1153, flight 143, flight 522, flight 593, flight 603, flights, fuel, george bush, gimli glider, greece, hong kong, landings, mediterranean, mishaps, mistake, mojave desert, moscow, passengers, plane crashes, russia, sea

Top 10 Myths About Metal Music

July 21, 2011 By ThisBlogRules Leave a Comment

Metal and its many subgenres have been explored by people across the world for over 40 years now. Naturally, there are such a wide range of misjudgments that have reared up over time that it’s imperative that people are made aware about ‘totally’ misunderstood this music really is!

Here is a list of top then myths that overshadow the phenomena that ‘metal’ really is and the truths that accompany them! [Read more…]

Filed Under: music, top list Tagged With: anti religion, bad, barbarian, black metal, children, crime, facts, heavy metal, list, metal, music, musicians, myths, nazi, neo nazi, religion, satanic, sex, sexism, talent-less, top 10, truth, violence, vocals

Top 10 Most Bizarre Modern Jobs

July 8, 2011 By ThisBlogRules 1 Comment

So you’re an accountant, a teacher, a nurse or a musician? You think you’ve had it as far as your job is concerned?

Well, for also those of us who do the daily toil to make money and earn their bread and butter, here’s a list that is going to be a sure shot spirits raiser – a list of ten jobs that will make even the most inane of jobs seem like a true pleasure.

Rest assured that most of these jobs, barring a few are the sort you would probably feel lucky without! [Read more…]

Filed Under: top list Tagged With: 10, airplane, armpit sniffer, bad, barnyard masturbator, bizarre, body part model, chicken sexer, furniture tester, golf ball diver, jobs, list, modern, most, repo man, snake milker, top, top 10, vomit collector, worst

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