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Home » The Ten Weirdest Action Figures Ever

The Ten Weirdest Action Figures Ever

March 1, 2011 By Anne Burwell 8 Comments

Ever since large corporations realized that people will pay anything for their cherished childhood memories, action figures have been churned out at an alarming rate. Also alarming? Some of the action figures themselves. Here are ten of the weirdest.

#10) Albino Bowler

We’re not sure where Albino Bowler comes from, why he was created, or why he hit the market. Unless there’s some sort of children’s show about bowling and skin conditions we totally missed. Maybe he’s part of a team with the Psoriasis Striker and the Eczema Split.

#9) Rocky’s The Meat

Hey, remember the meat Rocky beat the crap out of, in the first movie? It has an action figure. This just has to be the result of a typo or something. Nobody seriously thought a packaged chunk of plastic meat would sell, right?

#8) Gay Bob

The appeal of this doll was…was…look, we’re not sure why these were even made, except that it was the ’70s and a lot of things seemed like a good idea that weren’t, OK? Like REO Speedwagon. Gay Bob has one up on Ken, at least, since they bothered to mold him a plastic dong.

#7) Soccer Spider-Man

This is part of a line called “Spider-Man Adventures”, which basically consist of putting Spider-Man into funny outfits like he was Ken or something. It’s hard to pick just one from this terrible line of toys, but the winner has to be Spider-Man playing soccer in booty shorts. Maybe after the game he’ll hook up with Gay Bob.

#6) Devo

We’ll give the band credit: they don’t make you buy the whole band. Each figure comes with five interchangeable heads, one of their stupid hats, and, of course, a whip. Now if we could only figure out who actually bought this.

#5) The Zygon

We understand why this one was made, unlike the vast majority of these figures: everybody loves Doctor Who, or at least enough people that a Who figure line makes sense. But nobody saw this thing and said “Ya know, it looks kind of like a penis, covered with octopus suckers and a face?” That didn’t come up? Like, at all? Really?

#4) Sarah Palin

Palin-figure-sexy-hexy

We’re apolitical on this one: you can form your own opinion about Sarah Palin and her policy stances.

What we’re not neutral on is how incredibly creepy this figure is. First of all, that’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Peggy Hill. Secondly, the fact that it comes with lots of sexy outfits, including as you may have noticed a schoolgirl one, makes us wonder who’s buying this and what they’re using it for.

No, actually, we don’t want to know what they’re using it for. We’re pretty sure we know already.

#3) George Lucas

So…there are at least three George Lucas action figures on the market. One from an old Star Wars line, one of George in a stormtrooper outfit, and one of older George Lucas (throat pouch not included). We’re guessing the popularity is due to making voodoo dolls, in which case, boy is it ever disappointing that those don’t work.

#2) Hitler

We’re not really sure what’s worse. The fact that there’s anybody who thinks a Hitler doll is a good idea, the fact that anybody actually bought the Hitler doll…or the fact that we found at least two of these, one of them for sale on Amazon. There is a market for Hitler toys, and apparently they command $450 a pop.

#1) God

Yes, there is a God action figure. And apparently, God has decreed that the ’80s shall never end. And lo, the Lord did pop his collar and insist that Huey Lewis and the News should still be working, and so it was. And the Lord decreed that Tron should get a sequel, and so it was. Then the Lord decreed that parachute pants return, but that failed, because there are some things even God can’t make people do twice.

By Dan Seitz

Filed Under: fun, top list Tagged With: action figures, alarming rate, albino, booty shorts, childhood memories, doctor who, eczema, large corporations, octopus, plastic meat, playing soccer, psoriasis, reo speedwagon, skin conditions, spider man, zygon

About Anne Burwell

Daughter, sister, wife, mother and writer. I spend half of my free time writing and the other half reading contemporary literature. I like to start my day with half an hour of yoga and then I head over to my desk with a cup of green tea to start working on my sci fi novel. On weekends I like to head over to the country side for a breath of fresh air and to catch up with my mom.

Comments

  1. Brenna says

    March 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Spiderman’s legs are damned impressive.

  2. Josh says

    March 17, 2011 at 11:42 am

    God needs an AK and a cloak of invulnerability?

  3. SamD says

    March 19, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    I’ve seen Moses action figures in a local store….

  4. Bill says

    April 2, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    I love that the God action figure comes with an AK-47.

  5. Botropolis Toys says

    May 5, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    I agree with all of these except the Zygon.

  6. Invisible_Jester25 says

    June 9, 2011 at 1:19 am

    The best part of that God action figure at the bottom is that the logo on the remarkably cheap packaging is apparently that of a company called “Jesus Christ Superstore”.

    Yes, I have a terrible love for puns. I apologize in advance.

  7. Doug says

    August 19, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    I have a Stephen Hawking Action Figure. I think it belongs on the list.

  8. Joe35 says

    September 12, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    That God figure is f’in hysterical! And yes, Huey Lewis and the News should still be working, because they’re still doing it better than most current acts half their age.

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