by Will Conley
There has been much talk and hand-wringing over the Mayan predictions for the year 2012. Some say the world will end. Others say 2012 will mark a new beginning in the human condition, a wonderful transformation of consciousness into a higher plane of awareness. Well, we had our gods of choice check it out, and they told us it’s all bull. That is to say, the specific predictions — apocalyptic earthquakes and such — are not actually the way things are going to shake out.
Don’t get us wrong, things are about to get ugly, that’s totally true, but not in the way you thought they would. And yes, there will be a shift in consciousness, but by “shift” we mean the same way in which your dog “shifts” as he tends to a private itch by sitting on the carpet and spinning around in circles.
The following revelations were handed down to us by said gods of choice through the prophet Will Conley, whose qualifications for this sort of thing include a journalism background and a New Year’s Eve hangover. The revelations were inscribed by lightning onto his upper arm in the form of a tattoo.
The information contained herein is guaranteed to be accurate. We offer it to you as a public service out of the goodness of our hearts. It’s not like we stand to profit from your very genuine fears. It’s not like we have a vested interest in exacerbating your deep-seated and debilitating anxieties about the future of your existence. We just care!
The following is a direct transcript of that glorious tattoo of true predictions.
And lo, it is written:
1. The Bloods and the Crips will join to form a new political party called the “Blips.” They will run for public office at all levels of government, and the people will elect a Blip as President of the United States. Within four weeks, every major political logjam that plagued America throughout the early 21st century will be completely eradicated. The debt ceiling will be raised, no problem. Standard and Poor’s will reinstate America’s AAA credit rating, with an extra A “just because.”
2. The Earth’s geological turbulence will finally settle into a restful, philosophical state of bliss, after which the Earth will smoke a cigarette and cuddle with the moon. Nine months later, two additional moons will be born and appear in the daytime sky, thus explaining what all the rocking and rolling was really about. Being that the moon and the Earth are both widely believed to be female, Sean Hannity will roundly condemn the immorality of the celestial affair, calling it a “terrible example for our nation’s children.”
3. In an effort to understand the nature of evil, Swiss scientists will acquire and splice genetic material stolen from the bodies of Kim Jong-il and Osama bin Laden. Then they will grow the admixture in a big Petri dish and animate the resulting two-headed Hydra with a bolt of lightning channeled through a metal spire on a stormy night. As a safety precaution, they will also animate a blending of (late Czechoslovakian activist and president) Václav Havel and tech demigod Steve Jobs, who together will take the form of the mythological Thunderbird. The ensuing cage match will involve suitcase nukes, roadside bombs, brilliantly crafted political treatises encased in velvet, and Angry Birds. The winner will be decided by fair and equitable election via iPhone voting.
4. The unemployment rate will reach 100% by June. By September, that percentage will have increased to upwards of 150-200%, due to a rift in the space-time continuum that allows babies to be born, grow up, go to college, and become unemployable even before the moment of conception. A happier effect of the space-time rift will be that health insurance premiums and payouts will make sense.
5. The Occupy protest will end with everybody getting what they want, and the Federal Reserve will shut down forever. The Federal Reserve’s last press release will read, “YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D! HA HA HA! Oh, man. Whew. You totally fell for it. Here’s all your gold and silver back. Don’t worry, it’s all there, plus a complimentary beverage. Thanks for being such a good sport about it. Give it up for the American people, ladies and gentlemen.”
6. A six-year-old girl genius named Sally will accidentally create a supercomputer based on the rate of chocolate chips melting in her pocket. The answer to life, the universe, and everything will be revealed not as 42, but “Mmm, chocolate sauce.” Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy nerds throughout the world will groan, facepalm, and headdesk upon hearing this surprising news.
7. Andy Richter and Conan O’Brien will be hired back by NBC to host The Tonight Show. In an effort to step up their comedy game, Andy and Conan will don Guy Fawkes masks and dynamite vests. With the studio doors locked, they will stage a hilarious takeover of the NBC airwaves and amusingly hold the audience hostage. Their demands will include world peace and a non-hierarchical social system. The leaders of the world, finally realizing the error of their ways through this humorously strong-armed stunt, will collectively say, “You know what? They’re right. Let’s play nice.” Harmony and tranquility will rule the world. Three seconds later, Andy and Conan will be executed for treason and everything will go back to normal. Nielsen will cook the ratings to make it all look sad and unfunny. But you’ll laugh.
8. Prince William and Kate Middleton will undergo the most beautifully lavish divorce in the history of the royal family. Everyone who’s anyone will attend, including Jack Nicholson, Pee Wee Herman, and an animatronic SpongeBob SquarePants. The signing of the papers will be heralded by a symphony of kazoos playing the Benny Hill theme. In accordance with the prenup, Buckingham Palace will be sawed in half. Big Ben will be pushed the rest of the way over. The prince will kiss Kate’s behind goodbye.
9. Casey Anthony will be acquitted of drowning five kittens, clubbing a litter of baby seals, pepper-spraying a giraffe in the face, causing a catastrophic oil spill in the Mediterranean Sea, undermining the world economy with false currency, launching a full-scale nuclear war, erasing the galaxy, disproving God, and, in an ironic move, peeing on an atheist in public. Eyebrows will rise.
10. The space shuttle program will start up again in earnest, this time with the mission of “going where no one has gone before, but mostly just to the moon, or maybe just out for a quick jaunt, or maybe just screw this.” Richard Branson will see this as a fabulous new opportunity to market a private space shuttle program that never gets off the ground but looks awesome in the marketing materials. Oops, sorry, this was last year’s prediction.
And there you have it, folks. Ten real, true predictions for 2012. Honest.
Will Conley has been predicting things for thousands of milliseconds, and thus far has never been wrong.