Say My Name! 5 Children Who Are Going to Hate Their Life When They Grow Up

Every year, some very curious people start making surveys to measure up people’s imagination, sick sense of humor, passive – aggressive tendencies and  their well dissimulated desire of taking revenge with the world. No, it’s not about psychological testing en masse, although it would not be such a bad idea, but the annual “How did you named your new-born this year” research. This has been going on for a while and besides the names that sound pretty normal and even mainstream, so to speak, every year these studies reveal that some parents actually managed to screw their children’s lives in a manner that would make Sigmund Freud jealous for not thinking about this first: pick a name that will not only haunt the child for the rest of his or her life, but turn the child into a constant subject of mockery, abuse and nervous breakdowns.

To be fair to our cause, this is not about some celebrities’ children names, as we all know how Kal – El (son of Cage) will develop, or how little miss Apple (daughter of Poltrow) will face at some point some trademark infringement law case in the unfortunate circumstance of ever wanting to sell phones. We are talking about those anonymous mothers and fathers everywhere in the country who are so cool, naming their children James or Diana was too little, they had to come up with better than this. So we picked up five contenders among the children who are going to hate their life when they grow up, solely based on their names.

1. Google – You feel lucky, punk?


Imagine this conversation in school:

“Teacher, where do I find some reliable references on Mark Twain’s works for my essay?”

“Ask Google”

Imagine this conversation in adulthood

“Google, google me the recipe for roasted turkey, please”

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Imagine being asked questions all the time and being a constant subject of interminable mockery. He will end up changing his name into Jon Doe and flee the country.

2. Lovelle – Shake it like you mean it


You know how they say a name pretty much pre-defines and pre-determins your entire destiny? Now tell me you don’t read this name and see it in neon lights next to a dancing pole. Maybe I am the crazy one, but Danielle was just right and I hope dear little angel Lovelle will become a neuroscientist.

3. Hurricane. Definitely one of the children who are going to hate their life


In the Lord’s year 2013, some parents decided to name their new-born son Hurricane. Now if the boy’s first cries sounded exactly like the Scorpions band lead vocalist, everything is just dandy, as the boy will become the next superstar in rock music. But if you called your child like this just because he was born during the hurricane, survived the hurricane or was conceived during the hurricane, this token of “remember the time” is quite cruel.

4. Shoog. Because 2012 was a shoog year for girls

Why give the child a name which might turn ugly if mocked in a nickname, when you can cut the BS from the start and name her (because Shoog is a her) directly odd, just so you cut everybody’s wings before they start finding name alternatives in high school? Little miss Shoog, we truly hope you won’t become one of those children who hate their life and none of your future friends and colleagues will ever ask you how on Earth did your parents come with this… sound… of a name.

5. Leviathan

Seriously people? It’s 2013 and you name your boy Leviathan? There are so many ways this kid’s life is going to be screwed up, we can’t even begin to count them. He’ll go around by the name of Levi, identify himself as a descendant of the Levi Strauss genealogical tree and wear denim for the rest of his life. There’s no other possible way to beat his parents’ creativity.

There you have my personal selection of children who are going to hate their life because of their names. There are so many more out there. So many and so weird, one might come to believe that Kal – El isn’t that bad after all.

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