As a journalist, I owe it to my readers to back my objective reporting with the most convincing statistics I can think up. For example, when I report that This Blog Rules is now the most highly trafficked website on the Internet, it is my responsibility to append such reassuring phrases as “according to,” “research shows” or “I’ll bet dollars to donuts you won’t look this up yourself.”

Or, if I were to report a story about the fact that 94% of single individuals who dress their pet dog in a sweater have not had sex in the past 13 months, I would have to be able to point to a reputable source to prove its veracity.

In the past, I would have had to think the stuff up, call a buddy in the statistics industry (yes, there is such a thing, trust me, I’m a journalist) and ask him for a quote to confirm the hardness and solidness of my bullshit.  Now, with the miracle of modern technology, I can skip the human interaction and get right to the legitimizin’ and consecratin’ of my objectifyin’. With websites like Data Numerics, Statifics and Chimpage Fact Generator, I can do just that…

Statifics

Proof positive.

Statifics is like Twitter but not at all. You just go there, create an account, and start bullshitting. The fake statistics can be read in a stream or searched by tag. There is no character limit, but keep the statistics convincingly brief and you’re good to go. Now you can write whatever the hell you want, anywhere you want, and point to a place online–Statifics–where someone else said it before you said it. And that someone else is you. Minor detail. Nobody cares.

Data Numerics

And everyone else is wrong.

You know, I’ve been thinking. Hamburgers. Really, now. Way better than bologna sangwiches, know what I mean? I figure I will use my journalistic integrity to prove it to my girlfriend, who strongly disagrees with me. But how?

Oh, I know! I’ll make a chart. I mean, you know, “source” a chart. Bitches love charts. Charts from Data Numerics. Now if that name doesn’t spell “authority” I don’t know what does. Just plug in your values and hit “Submit.” Boom, you get a bar chart, a pie chart, and some fine print. Bitches love fine print.

As long as she doesn’t read the chart too closely, my girlfriend should be pretty well convinced that I am right and she is wrong. Probably best to get her drunk first.

Chimpage Fact Generator

Lying has never been so easy!

The Fact Generator from Chimpage is the simplest way to source your fake stats. Best of all, it allows you to lie as specifically as possible. Everyone knows: the more specific you are, the less likely you’re pulling all of this out of your ass. You just click one button to randomly generate an amount, another for a noun, one for a verb, and one final button to generate a qualifier. Transcribe, publish. Done. Just, done!

Now that you have the proper tools to be a respected professional journalist, you can get a job anywhere. You name it. Fox News, CNN, the New York Times, the Onion. Even This Blog Rules!

Just kidding. You can’t have my job. I have a degree from a very prestigious university, whereas you do not. Now where did I put that “diploma”…

Author Will Conley has had sex with the equivalent of 38% of the population of Kansas.