When Movies Beat Reality. And Logic. And Us.

They always say that life beats the movies, as it is often so surprising, so challenging and so mind – blowing, that the entertainment industry should focus more on real experiences than fiction. But you have to be honest, just as the movies critics and the fans were many times before, the movies beat reality any day. Cliches, you say? The same cliches, over and over again, used forever and for always, in spite the fact that everybody knows they are cliches and they teach us a bunch of wrong things? Apparently, you can’t have a box office success without using a few tricks that managed to piss off even the most passionate movie fans along the years, just as you can’t have reality plunging into a movie, as nobody goes to the cinema to see ugly women brushing their teeth and looking zombified, cause you know, aesthetics and all.

So basically, we are a bunch of ranters who complain about the movies cliches and bad lessons they teach us, but won’t pay a dime to see “realistic” movies that mirror realistic life. And why would one do that? But, these much circulated cliches make our life more interesting and more entertaining and there are a lot of fun instances when movies beat reality. So let’s see a few of them!

1. The Villain gets it in the end

villain gets it

Always. Easier, harder, trickier, but the villain always gets it. And no, this is not quite as reality works. But the most important question is: say you’re a villain who wants to take over the world and become all great and powerful. Like don’t you watch a few movies before? Don’t you want to see where your predecessors made the mistakes that led them to their demise? Like, seriously, before coming up with a master plan, don’t you do your research and your homework? All villains in all movies end up ass kicked. Are they all stupid? I for one would love to see the villain prevail in a movie, but that would just be wrong cinema, of course. In real life, actually, many villains are still on the loose. Unfortunately. They should get it in the end. But I miss an original villain who just laughs best. For the variation.

2. Steering the car wheel: movies beat reality with mechanics


How to film a car scene, inside the car, and let the viewer know the character is driving? Easy! Make him steer that wheel like he’s taking a needle curve every four seconds. While still maintaining a straight direction on a very straight highway. I understand it is quite dull to film a guy just holding his hands on the wheel in the right position and glue his eyes on the road, cause, you know, it is kind of dull, but movies have this talent of giving us bad driving lessons, like it is OK to play with the driving bagel however you want or don’t even dignify the road with a glimpse.

3. The U.S. is the only country in the world threatened by aliens, monsters or deadly viruses


You know people always complained that in the movies everybody speaks American English, and we mean wild undiscovered portions of Siberia, Japanese Yakuza clan members or European countries inhabitants, fictional worlds like Asgaard, not to mention terrorists who by no means could ever speak with a British accent. But this is just the ice on the surface. While everybody in the world understands and speaks American English, America is actually the only place that attracts aliens, monsters and deadly viruses more than porn sites attract teenagers. Do movies beat reality? Well… think about it this way: even the aliens that invade the U.S. are ambitious enough to learn American English enough to say “Peace? No peace…”

There are a lot more. The woman who wakes up in the morning wearing perfect make – up. The couple who has awesome sex standing (you try that at home and see how exactly movies beat reality) and check upon your policemen friends, as three days before pension they got shot or involved in their “last” case that keeps them busy for the next year.

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