Every single year people make brand new resolutions, and they hope against hope that they will somehow stick to them. This usually does not happen, but there’s nothing wrong in getting a little creative with your New Year’s resolve. At least you have something to look forward for to in future. Here are some of the funniest New Years Resolutions that we have found.
1. I promise to buy a brand new scale, because my mind keeps reading the same old numbers.
2. I will stop checking my Facebook feed every five minutes, especially when I have to learn for an exam. I will also refrain from adding embarrassing photos of my friends.
3. I will no longer sit in front of the computer screen all day. I will only stay one hour a day. Nevertheless, this will be difficult to do because I am not a clock watcher.
4. I will play more computer games. Studies have shown that they improve visual skills, reflexes and dexterity.
5. I promise to clean my room once a week, even if last year I only cleaned it when I had friends over.
6. Never again will I fall for the cute guy/girl with a dark past.
7. I’m gonna go on a diet and exercise everyday. I will definitely loose weight this… oh wait, is that cake?
8. I don’t have a New Year’s resolution. You don’t need them when you’re perfect.
9. I will not tell my potential employer that I have trouble with the authorities.
10. I will protect children by not texting on my phone while eating junk-food and speeding through crosswalks in school zone while my windshield is covered with frost.
11. I will eat more fruit… snacks!
12. I will start a blog about my feelings and then bitch about how I don’t have anything interesting to write about.
13. I will stop saying how hot women on television are when I’m with my girlfriend. Instead, I will say how intelligent they are, this way I will not sound like the typical idiotic male.
14. I will stop pretending that’s it’s not time to take out the garbage by repeatedly smashing the trash with my arms. It’s way better to take it out than to have my hands hurt all day.
16. I will only eat white snow from now on.
17. I will always wear sexy underwear, “just in case”.
18. I will never again wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.
19. I will come up with better excuses for taking leaves. This way my boss will believe me.
20. I will put an end to procrastination once and for all.
21. Every time I type a smiley face I will actually laugh-out-loud.
22. I will drive by the fitness center at least once a week to pay my respects.
24. I will stop considering other people’s feelings, since they obviously don’t care about mine.
25. I will definitely sleep like a normal person: no more movies ’till 4.A.M. in the morning. Also, I will leave my smart-phone in the kitchen, just in case.
26. I will avoid taking baths often in order to conserve water.
27. I will stop liking my friend’s status only because I like the person who posted it.
28. I will use my treadmill for something else than hanging my jacket.
29. I will stop eating medicine that looks like candy.
30. Never again will I ingest quantities of alcohol that surpass my body’s limit.
31. I will stop blaming my dog for farting whenever I let one slip.
32. I will stop setting three alarms on my phone just so I can turn the volume off after the first one.
33. Instead of losing weight I vow to not gain anymore. First figure out how to maintain weight, then plan how to lose it.
34. I will start saving for the future, the very imminent future.
35. I will make time for my favorite activities. Like procrastinating. Oh wait, I’m already doing this.
37. I need to start eating more healthy, but I have to finish all the junk food first so I don’t get tempted.
38. My New Year’s resolve is to make better bad decisions.
39. I will finally get rid of all the clothes that I know I will never again wear.
40. I will stop making New Year’s resolutions. I never keep them anyway.
Some Practical New Year’s Resolutions
No matter who you are, what you do, or which titles you carry, there is no doubt something you would love to improve or become more proficient in. No matter how much we joke about it, we are all longing to be better at this thing called life, and there are no doubt practical ways to stick to something all year long, making it a daily habit. Wanna eat healthier? Wanna read more? Wanna take better care of the earth? Start small, start somewhere, but most importantly: just start! The best thing you can possibly do is begin a new years resolution.
Eat One Veggie with Every Meal
This is one that can be done with some creativity and planning! The healthiest people will tell you that it does not feel like a real meal to them if it does not involve at least one veggie. This is a great thing to add into your way of thinking for the new year. Instead of going vegan, overwhelming yourself with just the “I’m gonna eat healthy” statements, start with this small step. Add a single veggie, any veggie, into any meal.
Adding in a veggie can be something as simple as cooking bell pepper with your eggs or adding avocado to the size of your breakfast meal. It can mean putting lettuce and tomato in your lunch sandwich. Or for dinner, popping a can open and throw it in a pot on the stove if you don’t have the time for fresh veggies. Seeing your meals as incomplete without at least one vegetable can really be a health game changer.
Make All Your Doctor Appointments at the Top of the Year
Are you the type who will wait until the dentist’s office calls you to remind you that an appointment is overdue and it has been more than a year since your last cleaning? I know I have been that person many times before. what if you made all your doctor appointments at the beginning of the year, so you don’t miss anything or go in after the suggested time frame? An added perk of this is that you will not have a hard time getting the time slot you want since you won’t have much competition. Making all appointments at the beginning of the year can help you stay on track and up to date with your help.
Get Streams of Accountability
It may seem pretty frustrating to see every single person’s new years resolutions. They may seem silly extravagant, or annoying to share with the world. But if you have frowned upon this behavior, you may be overlooking the benefits of it. How amazing to have however many friends you have, all keeping up with your progress? Whatever resolution you may want to reach, social media can help. If you don’t like this approach or have social media, the next best option is a more personal one. Tell a friend and ask them to keep you accountable throughout the year. Offer to do the same for them and their resolutions. Making it a team effort can really spur you on in your goals.
Set Book and Reading Goals
Did you know the normal, everyday person reads between 4-12 books a year? Depending on how you look at it, this can be good or just really sad. If you are an avid reader, the average may be higher for you. But if you are in that 4-12 number and just want to read more, setting a goal may be a good place to start. You can set any goal you want, but as always with new year’s resolutions, it is always best to start out small or manageable. This means you’ll have to turn your reading goal into whatever is doable for you. For me, I have my reading goal set at 26 books in the year, one for every two weeks. Though I CAN finish one a week on average, I also write book reviews for publishing companies.
Adding that step in the process causes me to have to take some time to really soak it all in and get the most out of the book. I read on a lot of heavy topics with deep meaning that requires me to think through what I really feel about the book in order to write a well-informed book review. So I give myself the ability to read one book deeply over the course of two weeks and then write at least one review a month. These are my personal reading goals. As for my friend who is another avid reader, her goal is 52 books a year and she mostly reads fiction. This allows her to skim and read fast and it works well for her.
In order to set a reading goal you actually stick to, you will need a process and/or system in place. Social media keeps me accountable. I post every time I finish a book and I post my reviews as well. I also post my goals for the year. Goodreads is another great place to keep track of your books. Here, there are reading challenges and you can log your reads with a staring system or with a review, whichever you have time for.
You will also need to determine where you will read. Where will you read? I have friends who take the train instead of a car to work, so they spend that time in a book. I have other friends who spend 30 minutes every night before bed reading, religiously. I personally like to read early in the morning or late at night. This means I am waking up before everyone else or going to bed before everyone else. You can read in the bathroom, on your lunch break, or in the in-between moments of your day. You just need to figure out when you will read and stick to it, building a habit into your day.
How will you avoid distractions? This is a huge question for the one who wants to become a great reader. Will you put your phone across the room because it is too easy to sit on it instead of reading? Will you go down the street to a local coffee shop to read every day because it’s too easy to end up cleaning instead of reading when you’re home? What are the ways in which you will avoid the distractions? This is one of the most important questions you will ask yourself if you plan on making this a habit you adhere to.
Resolve to Become a Plant Parent
We cannot ignore the benefits of plants. Have you wanted to be a plant owner and caretaker for a long time, but just aren’t sure where to start? Join the club. Once you hear all the things that plants have to offer, it is hard to get them out of your head. When they are set in work spaces with humans, they make them more productive and help with the issues that come from being cooped up in an office building all day long, such as air quality. Plants not only help you breathe and work better, but they also promote peace and calm in whatever space they are set in. Caring for plants can give a sense of meaning and purpose as well as lower anxiety and depression.
Having plants in your home and work spaces truly bring so many benefits along with it. But in order to experience all these benefits, you need to make some goals. There are ways to get into plants that do not involve gardening or any of the heavy lifting. Look into houseplants that require minimal upkeep, such as succulents or cacti. These plants are made for deserts. If they can grow in a desert, they can grow in your home with you as the caregiver. Another great place to begin is with herbs on your kitchen windowsill.
These plants provide all the same benefits, but the also have added ones: they spice up your good and make your fresh cooked meals even more delicious! A creative way to incorporate plants into your house is by creating Terrariums, which make nice attractive decorations for your space as well. Another great thing you can do to incorporate plants is beginning an indoor greenhouse. These are perfect for small plants that require minimal care but are more hands-on than a houseplant if you are looking to get really involved. No matter your lifestyle, needs, or desires for decoration or sprucing up a certain space in your home, there is a plant for you. Become a plant parent this year!
Sanitize Your Phone
Have you heard the crazy research on phone bacteria? We check out phones many times a day and bring it with us everywhere. The toilet seat is cleaner than your phone after all the bacteria is picked up from the various locations you are. Think of all the places you go every single day and how many dirty areas your phone touches. Imagine how much bacteria is on your device! This year, make it a point to clean your phone. This may mean disinfecting it with wipes or cleaning the case with soap and water. However you clean your phone: know this, your future self who does not end up with E. Coli will thank you for it!
Plan a Solo Trip
You are less likely to suffer from heart issues if you make time to get away, and that’s just science. Take at least a weekend trip away somewhere relaxing. We all know vacations can be hectic and have all been in a spot where we are not going somewhere we will find true peace and inner calm. In order to avoid this scenario, plant o do things you find relaxing. For me, the beach does not mean relaxing. I would personally enjoy staying in the city for a weekend (or as long as I can by myself) and enjoying local coffee shops with a few great books close by, seeing a movie or a play, and walking through museum after museum by myself. This is my perfect scenario. If your goal is to get away from it all and enjoy some time of R&R, then make it a priority by planning it first thing in the new year.
Listen to Podcasts and Audiobooks
Are you trying to get smarter? This may seem like a pretty silly question, but it is one that might resonate with your desires. For me, I decided I wanted to learn more about the world and how to function in it. I want to be a healthy and self-aware human who lives out my faith the right way. I also want to know about the experiences of others.
I want to become a good listener, someone who knows what is happening in the world around her and is not uneducated and left in the dark, clinging to my own beliefs and ways of thinking. Podcasts helped me do that. Reading helped me do that. These two avenues will benefit your entire life, and they are so easy to do.
Do you commute to work? Do you work from home? Whatever your profession, you have some time by yourself getting there or doing your work. No matter if it’s driving in the car, taking a train, or checking emails on your laptop from the couch in your house. At the beginning of last year, I decided to get into podcasts.
I listened when I did busy work at my job, during my commute, when I cooked and cleaned and folded laundry, and whenever else I could. I listened to so many books on audio and heard so many podcasts, and I know I am better for creating this habit. If you want to grow, include podcasts and audiobooks into your everyday. You don’t have to set time aside, you simply need to incorporate listening into the times when life is happening all around you.
Get Involved in Volunteering
Have you always wanted to get more involved in the community? Do you want the joy that comes in giving back and helping others? Are you passionate about a certain kind of need or displaced person? If these are truths for you, you may want to get involved in volunteer work! Volunteering is one of the best ways to give back. Look at the areas you have experience in and where you are passionate about. These will determine where you will fit in best. Check out local volunteer boards on social media and ask about opportunities at places like the local library. If you want stress reduction and happiness heightened in your life, volunteering is the place for you!
Declutter Your Home
Declutter one area of the house per month. This is such an easy goal to reach, and it will truly change the entire atmosphere of your home. Plan out the areas at the beginning of the year, and really tackle it all but in small, intentional sections.
Set a schedule that goes a little something like this:
Having small, broken up areas to work on every month allows you to take your time in each section. If some areas get done sooner, such as your bathrooms, then spend more time in the kitchen. Adjust this to your specific home and your specific schedule (maybe two months in one area and half a month in another), but come to terms with how life-changing decluttering truly is!
Decluttering holds true power over your day to day life. You will find yourself cleaning and organizing so much less because there is not junk just adding onto itself. You will feel so much more at peace and have so much more calm in your own home. You will find yourself spending your time thinking about other, much more important things than the constant upkeep you have to do in your home when you own too much stuff. The minimalist movement is taking over, and for good reason. Begin with Marie Kondo!
Boredom Kills, Pickup a Hobby
This is the year to start a new hobby! Maybe it is a dance class, or painting, or joining/starting a book club. Maybe it is writing, reading more (as we stated in detail above!), or learning how to knit or sew. There are so many hobbies you can choose from, but the only thing required is that it is fun and you enjoy it!
Try something new to relieve stress, induce rest and relaxation, learn something new and take on something exciting, find what you’re good at, spend your free time wisely, build up your self-confidence, help you build community over a shared interest, and meet new friends. Having a hobby you love does so much more than even that. And who knows, sometimes a hobby can turn into a little extra income on the side, or even a full-time job/business, or passion.
Take Your Lunch Break
Were you aware that one in five people take their lunch break? Wow. In my experience, if I do not take a lunch break, I become very unproductive after lunchtime. Even if I do eat while I work, it seems to have the opposite effect that it is supposed to have. It doesn’t boost my productivity, it significantly brings it down. It lowers my energy levels for the rest of the day and has me lagging. When I do take a lunch break, even if it is only a half hour, I have a renewed sense of care and purpose in my work for the rest of the day.
There are so many things you can do on a lunch break that revives you for the rest of the workday! Read to help you hit your reading goals. Enjoy a time of doing the hobby you take on. Or simply eat for a half hour and move your body for the next half. Call someone you love or pray and meditate. This midday break can do so much good for your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health.
The same New Year’s resolutions can be embraced by those who tend to stay in the office late every day. You can make your resolution to go home on time every single day. Have someone hold you accountable, either in the office or at home. The same can also be embraced by those who take their work home and work on nights and weekends. Learning to detach from work and not let it overlap into your personal time is the key to being a happier, healthier person. Try it for a full year and see what good it does you!
Set and Stick to a Sleep Schedule
The culprit for exhaustion and drowsiness is usually not sleeping on a consistent schedule. If you are getting an average of 8 hours a night but you are still tired when you should be well rested, look at the 8 hours. Are they the same 11-7 or 10-6 or 9-5, or are they all over the place? Make it a point to be in bed at the same time each night and wake up at the same exact time each morning, even on off days or weekends. You will begin to notice an incredible shift in how you feel. If you are not already one of the lucky people who naturally wake up at the same time every day and get sleepy at the same time every night, implementing this set schedule will be a game changer.
Final Thoughts on Funny New Year’s Resolutions
New year’s resolutions can be hilarious when people make extravagant goals at the beginning of the year and fall off the wagon a few months or even weeks into it. But New Year’s resolutions can also be life-changing, depending on the way you look at them. You won’t know if yours will be funny or life-changing until you set a few!