Everyone talks about being President of the United States one day, presumably because they like to think of themselves sitting in the Oval Office issuing Executive Orders for Free Pizza on Tuesdays and sending the military to bomb the house of the guy that gave you a swirly in 7th grade. What no one talks about, however, is just how hard the job of being in charge of 300 million people really is. For these five guys, it was harder than most, because they were dropped into a crap sandwich almost from the moment they were sworn in… [Read more…]
by Will Conley
There has been much talk and hand-wringing over the Mayan predictions for the year 2012. Some say the world will end. Others say 2012 will mark a new beginning in the human condition, a wonderful transformation of consciousness into a higher plane of awareness. Well, we had our gods of choice check it out, and they told us it’s all bull. That is to say, the specific predictions — apocalyptic earthquakes and such — are not actually the way things are going to shake out.
Don’t get us wrong, things are about to get ugly, that’s totally true, but not in the way you thought they would. And yes, there will be a shift in consciousness, but by “shift” we mean the same way in which your dog “shifts” as he tends to a private itch by sitting on the carpet and spinning around in circles.
The following revelations were handed down to us by said gods of choice through the prophet Will Conley, whose qualifications for this sort of thing include a journalism background and a New Year’s Eve hangover. The revelations were inscribed by lightning onto his upper arm in the form of a tattoo.
The information contained herein is guaranteed to be accurate. We offer it to you as a public service out of the goodness of our hearts. It’s not like we stand to profit from your very genuine fears. It’s not like we have a vested interest in exacerbating your deep-seated and debilitating anxieties about the future of your existence. We just care!
The following is a direct transcript of that glorious tattoo of true predictions. [Read more…]