The 5 Facebook Friends No One Wants

Facebook has changed the way friendship works. Before Zuckerberg stole Harvard’s student list, people had a group of four or five friends that usually met face to face to do the whole “friendship” thing. Now, we connect with people around the world, meeting and talking with people we’d otherwise never have met, and having more “friends” than would normally be possible.

This slovenly, unintelligent looking comedy writer, for example, has, at present, 468 Facebook friends. Which is, I might add, 468 more than he has in real life.

“Friends” is in air quotes because while some of your Internet posse may in fact be a real friend, most of them are people you friend as part of a list, and otherwise never communicate with them again. But there are some “friends” you make through Facebook that, for one reason or another, is a Goddamn HUGE mistake. Here are some classic stereotypes of “friends” you don’t want on your Wall:

1. The Farmville Spammer

We all know at least one person like this. He plays every game, clicks on every link, answers every stupid personality quiz, and falls for every scam involving penis enlarging pills. The Farmville Spammer is seemingly the ideal Internet consumer, the kind of person marketing companies drool over. And it wouldn’t bother you that much, except that because of the way Facebook works, you have to know EVERYTHING this person does.

Oh come ON, Grandpa!

Your Wall turns into an advertisement of this person’s disturbing proclivities. You make an attempt to block the stuff, but for every program you erase, three more pop up, like some digital hydra with pixilated tomato fields for heads. You even have thoughts that some of your other friends will look at your Wall and mistake YOU for the Spammer, and things get terrifying. You eventually have no choice but to unfriend the guy for the sake of your sanity.

Real Life Equivalent:

 

2. The Bitcher

Also known as the Goth, the Emo,  the Whiner, and sometimes, the Glenn Beck, the Bitcher has Wall posts that look like this:

Everything is so dark, and cold. No one understands me, sometimes I think if I died, no one would miss me.

Or this:

Pain is the order of the day. Just, so much pain. Sweet beautiful, innocent pain.

Or this:

WHY?! Why did Derek Jeter have to get married! I don’t want to LIVE anymore!

The cause of his distress? He just ran out of hair gel.

This person acts like everything in their life sucks, and they have to tell you about it via bad poetry. It’s annoying because you don’t know this person, and you couldn’t possibly give less than a shit about the ongoing love triangle between your boss, you, and Alejandro the janitor. But sometimes this “friend” gives you a moral dilemma:

I think I’m going to drive out to the GW bridge tonight, and jump off the side after taking some cyanide capsules, while on the way down stabbing myself repeatedly with a cobra fang and then shooting myself with silver bullets just in case I’m a werewolf.

Not only is that one of the most elaborate suicide schemes ever thought out (really, allowing for being a werewolf, THAT’s foresight) but now he’s just dumped this right in your lap. What do you do? Do you try to stop them? You don’t know him, why’s he going to listen to you? Should you call the authorities? What if it’s a joke, or he doesn’t really mean it? What if you do nothing, and this nut DOES manage to off himself? Now you feel bad. Probably at least as bad as Hair Gel Guy up there.

Real Life Equivalent:

 

3. The Excessive Partier

You probably work hard at your job. Obviously not at hard as you could be, because otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article while at work. I already know you are, stop trying to deny it. When not slacking off, you work hard. You look forward to your weekends off, when you can cut loose. Needless to say, it probably irritates you when you open your Facebook profile (while at work, of course) and see pictures like this:

Every. Single. Day. This chick has somehow found a way to spend all night out at the club scene and yet still make enough money to afford the cover charge. How does she manage to find time to work in between Jell-o shots? How is she contributing to society by grinding up against a stranger on a Tuesday night? Besides the obvious, that is. The point is, you’re probably jealous. You’re a slave to the Man 40 hours a week just so you can spend a few days off watching a Law and Order marathon while this person has managed to get out and enjoy life (and Johnny Walker) every evening. It gets especially weird when you throw in the fact that the Wild Partier is your Mother.

Real Life Equivalent:

 

4. The Crazy Foreigner

Thanks to Facebook, we get to meet people from faraway lands, like Canada, and even farther away places like other countries. Canada is part of the US right? There is no way that qualifies as a legitimate country.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh Canada, you so funny!

But, Maple Leaf bashing aside, you do meet people from other countries. However, this isn’t always necessarily a good thing. When you start getting comments on things you say that look like this:

Haha, you fill me up with very much a sense of joy at the things that you speak of!

Things….get weird. Broken English typed up on the Internet is like watching that scene from The Empire Strikes Back where Leia kisses Luke. You feel uncomfortable because you know it’s wrong, but the participants have no idea and there’s nothing you can do to let them in on the shame. And it gets even weirder when they start commenting in their native Portugreek or whatever foreign tongue they speak that isn’t American, and you have to utilize a translator to understand what they’re saying, which of course does it badly and you wind up with MORE broken English, and……well, let’s just say you won’t be looking him up if you ever make a trip to Mongolia.

Real Life Equivalent:

 

5. The Stalker

You normally don’t notice this friend at first. Perhaps you notice a comment here or there, or the odd Wall post by the guy, but he seems quiet, so you don’t mind. Then maybe you get a little creeped out when he posts a comment telling you how sexy you look in your new profile picture.

To be fair, this was probably an inappropriate choice for a profile picture.

You get more freaked out  when you check out his Wall again and notice the picture shrine he’s dedicated to you, including pictures taken of you walking the streets around your hometown, which you are fairly sure no one you know took. Then you start getting private messages from the guy professing his love to you and enclosing pictures of his ass for some reason. If you’re stupid enough to post your email address, you may get penis pics several times a day, as well as letters telling you how much he wants your bod. Maybe you even call the police, but they can’t do anything until one day when you answer the door to a dude with clown makeup on armed with flowers and a kitchen knife. Well, after you pepper spray the clown murderer, you probably unfriend him at this point, because clearly this is taking things a bit too far.

Real Life Equivalent:

Now, before you delete your Facebook account in terror, take a moment to make sure HOLY SHIT HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

By: Ben Adelman

Comments

  1. I am a foreigner from Germany and my friends always complain about how my english is total crap lol

  2. “…the Glenn Beck.” Yes, because everyone now knows that you think right wingers/libertarians are assholes. Stay classy.

  3. Ok most of the people I see on here is white, how is it and what is it that make black people so strange, I know most Black Americans got a thirst of blood too much and like to kill and rob people, but for the ones that aren’t criminals what do you guys find so surprising with us as a people?…lol

  4. Now, before you delete your Facebook account in terror, take a moment to make sure HOLY SHIT HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!

  5. Okay bud, you’re cool. Maybe you should actually go to Canada and meet some canadians before you start dissing on our country. We are kind, warm-hearted people and our country is a legitimate country. Excuse my french, but anyone on here who has an understanding of what I’m talking about can see you’re just an asshole. Get your facts straight. Have a good day, peace.

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