Five Spectacular Jerk Moves by Ayn Rand

Ayn Rand

Ayn Rand, the amphetaphine-addled author of such blockbuster novels as The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, made some real dick moves in her lifetime. If Ayn Rand were alive today, her exploits would eclipse all the egregious public displays of Britney Spears, Mel Gibson, and Michael Jackson combined. The following are, in the opinion of this This Blog Rules columnist, the top five most spectacular dick moves of Ayn Rand.

by Will Conley

5. Based the Hero of a Novel on a Real Child Killer

I Heart Killin

Not just the protagonist, mind you, but the hero. In 1927 a man named William Edward Hickman kidnapped a twelve-year-old girl, held her for $1,500 ransom in gold certificates, cut off her arms and legs, gutted her, and stuffed a towel in her body to soak up the blood. The Los Angeles Times called it “the most horrible crime of the 1920s”. In the notes for an unfinished novel based on Hickman’s many virtues, Ayn Rand implied that the public outrage about the crime was hypocritical. That may be so, but dude. Ayn. Ayny buddy. Can’t you base your hero on someone a little less, I don’t know. Less stabby? I am frightened, Ayn. Hold me.

4. Made Alan Greenspan Her Bitch

Ayn Rand Dominates Alan Greenspan

Ronald Reagan sends his regrets.

Back in the 1950s, Ayn Rand hosted weekend discussions in her apartment in Manhattan, attended by writers, psychologists, and economists–including future Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. In his 2007 autobiography, Greenspan cited Rand’s uncompromising opinions about laissez-faire capitalism as “a stabilizing force in my life”. You know Greenspan. He’s one of the main guys responsible for gutting government regulations on derivatives trading and sub-prime mortgage lending, leading to what respected economists refer to as the Holy Shit We’re All Gonna Die Fuckstorm of 2008. Nothing against deregulation here, but Jesus Christ.

3. Pussywhipped Her Husband, Her Lover, and Her Lover’s Wife Simultaneously

Another attendee of Ayn Rand’s little tea parties was a psychologist named Nathan Blumenthal. But he changed his name to Nathaniel Branden so he could have “rand” in his name. And this might be a stretch, but the remaining letters, “ben”, mean “son of”. As in, Son of Rand. Which is fitting, because Branden was both Rand’s head disciple and way hella younger than the eminent pseudophilosopher herself. Furthermore. Both Rand and Branden were married, but Rand actually worked it so that she and Branden could have a years-long love affair with the consent of both spouses. Seriously, Rand was a couger and a pimp. We at This Blog Rules are actually pretty impressed. High-five, Ayn Rand!

2. Instituted Mandatory Cigarette Smoking

No Not Smoking

Ayn Rand couldn’t break her smoking habit, but because everything she did had to have some cockamamie “rationalism” to it, she came up with the awesome excuse that a burning cigarette in the hand is a symbol of “the fire in the mind”. Shiny! To further cover up the fact that she is just a screwed up human being like everybody else, she decided to make smoking not just acceptable among her gaggle of groupies, but actually mandatory. She later got lung cancer, which was, by all accounts, hilarious.

And the Number One Dick Move of Ayn Rand is…

1. A Six-Foot Floral Dollar Sign Was Placed Near Her Casket at Her Funeral

There is no punchline.


  1. Only one of these is actually accurate, and Rand deserves better treatment than this. Come to think of it, actual jerks deserve better treatment. If you’re interested in the truth, I’d start with “Passion of Ayn Rand’s Critics.”


  2. The only thing spectacular about this post is the degree to which it utterly misses anything of importance about Ayn Rand or her ideas.

  3. Ayn Rand’s ideas were philosophically bankrupt and sociopathic. There is nothing to miss. Don’t pretend that Objectivism was anything more than an ideology constructed to stave off bad faith and cognitive dissonance in it’s adherents.

  4. First of all, there are many inaccuracies in this blog. It is bankrupt of truth and reality. To begin with, Rand did not die of lung cancer. She died of heart failure (which is very different from lung cancer) in her New York apartment. She never forced anyone to smoke. She gave her explanation of what she thinks of it, and if anyone was inspired by it and wanted to smoke, they were free to do so. She was very influential the lives of many people, who later on became very influential in the whole world. Starting from the founder of wikipedia, to Alan Greenspan, whom she called “the Undertaker”, they all revered and respected her beyond your imagination. Secondly, she did plan on writing a novel with a hero who resembled Hickman’s fight against all of society. She never intended to glorify a child killer. She in fact, denounced and condemned his act of murder, and in many interviews claimed that any private citizen or public authority who thinks it is moral to kill another human being is a complete monster and that she abhors such ‘creatures’. If you dont believe me, you can do a little bit of research and study about the matter and draw your own conclusion. Watch her interview with Phil Donahue and some other of her lectures with universities.

    About her affair with Nathaniel Branden, that is true. But she never left her husband, and both of them were completely honest about it with their respective partners. No one forced Frank and Barbara to consent, and they did so voluntarily. Therefore, i personally think this arrangement is much better where four consenting adults participate, rather than cheat on someone you love, and live miserably.

    Because most of the world have a negative idea about Rand, they dont hesitate to slander her and destroy her ideas. But, they should first study it and understand what she is trully talking about. The author of this blog obviously is very childish. The mere title demonstrates so. the word ‘jerk’ does not and should not apply in a serious academic paper, blog or otherwise. It is truly sad to see so many people disillusioned by what media interprets her ideas to be, and what she really was.

    Again, I also do not think that I can change anyone’s attitude or perception of Rand just by posting one reply to this blog, but I can only address what I read as totally incorrect, which i did. if anyone wnats to trully understand who Ayn Rand was, look at her interviews, and listen to her speak, and read HER articles, not articles about her by other people.

    Do I completely agree with Rand, no. i would never smoke because i dont want to kill my health. I am critical about alot of things that she has written about. Her idea of feminism and feminine roles and also some of her political views. However, her foundation on individualism is something that I will always be connected with. She said that the state has no right to take away an individual freedom, and no one is forced to like everything. But everyone needs to have the same basic political freedom if you want democracy to work. Her fight against her contemporaries is also something that I admire. This is a woman who made her life as she wanted it to be. She inspired millions of people, including myself, to live life for oneself.

  5. Rand was a front for people much more powerful. Plain and simple. Her ideas are not original and have been re-hashed throughout the history of man by similar useful drugged-out, silver-spooned, ‘intellectuals’ used to promulgate culture-changing memes for the dominant minority. There are no heroes or geniuses, just fronts, groomed from a young age to appeal to the naivete and utter lack of historical knowledge of youth. Think for yourselves people.

  6. “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves Orcs.”


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