Pickup lines, as a rule, generally suck. Everyone knows one when they hear one, and a lot of times are not impressed by them. Even at their best, pickup lines are tacky and silly sounding, and even those are a rarity.
I have noticed, though, that pickup lines can be sorted into groups, based on what kind of awful person they make you look like. First impressions are everything, and since all this person knows about you is that you just tried to hit on them by hitting them with a snappy one liner, it’s going to force them to draw some conclusions about your everyday demeanor. For simplicity’s sake, the situations described are based on a man trying to hit on a woman, since this appears to be the most common scenario. The five worst groups of pickup lines are:
The Pickup Lines that Make You Look Childish:
So, you’re a nice person. You don’t want to come right out and state your intentions behind your shameless flirtations, but you still want to let that person know that you’re interested in them. Perhaps you think you’re putting yourself across as cutesy with your words. I’m talking about pickup lines like:
“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.”
Yes, it’s adorable….for an 8 year old. And unless you’re trying to woo an 8 year old (which is another shade of creepy altogether) it’s going to present quite a different picture than the one you’re going for. Either you legitimately think such comments are appropriate for your situation, you think the other person does, or you’re trying to be funny or something. In any case, the most likely response is either a false chuckle, or an eyeroll, followed by turning back towards the bar and the rapid ordering of shots.
Some of these cross the line into being accidently insulting, such as:
“If you were a piece of meat, you’d be prime rib.”
NEVER, for the love of all that is holy, compare women to beef. This blends over into another category:
The Pickup Lines that Make You Look Like a Douchebag
So, you’ve probably had a few at this point, and are cocky and forceful. You want to put yourself out there in a big way, and this is what comes out of your mouth:
“Wow, sugarlips, I bet if I kissed you, you’d taste like candy.”
What the Hell was that? If for some reason you subscribe to the notion that acting like a buttmunch attracts women, I could talk at length at why that doesn’t work, but regardless, that is not what this pick up line says. This screams “I’m an enormous douchebag.”
Here’s another one, further into a conversation after she tells you what she does for a living:
“Oh, you’re a stripper? You wanna give me a pole dance, if you know what I mean?”
This has more than one context. If she’s a doctor, don’t ask for a checkup, if she’s a cop, don’t ask for a pat down, if she’s a teacher, don’t ask for extra student sessions because you’ve been a bad boy. You are confusing a pickup line with cheesy foreplay. Pulling this crap before you lure her back to your boning place of choice just makes you look like a douchebag.
The Pickup Lines that Make you Look Like an Idiot:
Unless you’re Forrest Gump, no normal girl generally wants to have sex with an idiot she meets at a bar, so you want to sound like you have a modicum of intelligence when you speak to the fairer sex. Which is why, for the sake of your sanity, please ensure the person you are trying to hit on is actually a girl. This may sound obvious, but you would not believe how many people walk up to someone with their back turned, and begin wafting the pheromones:
“Hey baby, how you do….oooh, you’re…not who I thought you were.”
This is not a good way to begin a conversation. Not only are you embarrassed, but not the guy is angry at you and everyone around you thinks you’re an idiot. Other common causes of idiocy in pickup lines is failing to be observant of either the important:
“Oh I’m sorry, I totally didn’t see you were wearing a ring there.”
Or the trivial:
“Yeah, what about the Dodgers, am I right? What a crapsicle of a team. Hahahahahaha…is that a Sandy Koufax jersey?”
The Pickup Lines that Make You Look Drunk
There is nothing sadder than a drunk guy trying to hit on a sober woman. The reasons for this are numerous: you’re not thinking clearly, your coordination is not the best, and your inhibitions are somewhere in your feet. This can result in hilarious but ill conceived attempts at hitting on an attractive female.
“You know, from a distance, you kind of look like a man.”
“You should probably wait a minute before kissing me, I might puke in your mouth.”
“You know, regular condoms don’t fit me, I have to use shopping bags.”
“I literally just pooped my pants.”
Of course, different rules apply if the person you’re hitting on is also drunk, but it’s hard to tell. Basically, trying to pick up a woman while under the influence is a perilous endeavor to begin with.
The Pickup Lines that Make You Look Like a Serial Killer
“I’m called the banana, and I look good. Peel me.”
A man named Rodney Alcala tried to pick up a woman on the Dating Game, a TV show back in the ‘70s, using that pickup line. When asked what his favorite time of day was, he said “Nighttime.” Unbelievably, he won the game, winning a date with a woman who refused to go out with him because she found him “creepy.” Alcala is now a convicted serial killer, suspected of killing up to 50 people, and this is what he looked like back then:
So…basically…run. Far away.
By Ben Adelman