The Hand

The human hand is one of the most complicated and delicate pieces of machinery there is. Millions upon millions of tiny parts all work together to make the hand work. We can do most anything with our hands, and certainly couldn’t do a lot without them. Yet what would we do if our hands gained sentience?

It’s not unprecedented, of course. What are sock puppets but hands with masks on? The Addams family had a pet hand that flew around and did some crazy stuff. In Harry Potter, a magical hand strangled Wormtail for incompetence, and Eric Cartman’s hand played a pretty convincing Jennifer Lopez for a time.

It's all in the lips

So, think about it. What would happen to you if your hands suddenly came to life one day? First of all, you’d have some explaining to do. Odds are you’ve done some pretty gross things with your hands, and gotten some gross stuff on them. Your pointer finger is going to be especially mad, considering you stick it up your nose at times. Scratching your ass? No big deal for you, but for your hands, they gotta live with that. Not to mention all the naughty stuff you do with your private parts. At bare minimum, men are going to have a tough time going to the bathroom because unless your hands are really cool, they won’t want to hold your nozzle anymore.

Everything you do would suddenly become a negotiation. Your hands might demand a fluffy steering wheel cover, or else driving to work suddenly becomes very hazardous. Does licking barbeque sauce off of your fingers count as sexual harassment? Chewing your nails would become the equivalent of eating someone else’s hair.

What if your left hand started feuding with your right? Things could get ugly there in a hurry. The phrase “stop hitting yourself” would lose all meaning at that point. Another thing to consider: being hands, both of them can both hold knives AND reach the other one. You may wake up to discover that one of your hands has been stabbed to death, or even decapitated.

Even worse to think about is what would happen if your hands started feuding with YOU. They’re your hands; they can reach every part of you except that awkward spot in the small of your back. They could team up to choke your ass. Punch you repeatedly for no reason. Even do horrible things to your nozzle. It would be best to keep on good terms with your hands. Always glove them in the winter time, or when you have to clean up dog poop. Don’t be picking your ass anymore, or your nose, for that matter. And whatever you do, no more masturbating without permission.

So what would you do with sentient hands? Killer jazz routine? Comedic sketch? Slapstick? Here’s an idea: you can get those finger puppet things, and start your own children’s choir. Having living hands would be a challenging and rewarding intellectual challenge for everyone.

Except for this guy, who has taken the opportunity to molest his hands.

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