Spike TV has a show entitled the Deadliest Warrior, in which they essentially play the game of “Who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman?” with high tech computers, experts in the field of blustering and puffery, and actors pretending to be some of the greatest fighters in history. I normally watch the show simply for the staged fights at the end, which I always get a kick out of (after all, where else are you going to see a knight in shining armor fighting a pirate?) But I also decided that, since the show is essentially full of crap (in what universe do Soviet Special Forces defeat Green Berets? Have they never even seen an action movie?) I could do it too. So, here is the pilot episode of the Lethalist Warrior, the show where we decide who would win a fight between two action figures. It’s time to decide
(Just try to imagine the narrator from 300 saying that. It will be better for all concerned.)
Let’s meet our combatants. First, we have Bob McSpiffyBoots, a GI Joe with a fearsome reputation. He went into Vietnam, single handedly defeated an entire VietCong Regiment, raped and pillaged a village of peaceful goats, and posed for pictures with every Buddha statue he came across, giving them all bunny ears. In short, a man who didn’t give a damn about anything. Unfortunately, he came home to have people throw poop at him (MJ’s monkey was not in attendance) and it….changed him. He’s become a pacifist, and also apparently thinks he’s Fabio, if this picture is to be believed.
His opponent is Ken PeterPuffer, who goes by the stage name of Mr. Fascist. He’s a Ken doll that sought to dispel rumors of being gay by becoming a professional wrestler. He was hampered in this by not having the ability to bend his arms, and grew to hate society in general and hippies in particular. He also likes posing for pictures pretending he’s a Nazi. At least, he says he’s pretending.
The weapons are a hodgepodge of whatever I could scrounge up. We have a Swiss Army Knife, an OmniTool that consists primarily of a pliers, 4 long screws, a Springfield musket circa 1861, and a miniature Napoleonic cannon.
Oh yes, my cat, Tuffy, has also agreed to participate, I guess as some sort of weapon since she’s posing with them and isn’t she just adorable. (This is incredible, I have somehow added another cat to the Internet.)
Now, this is the part of the show where I’m supposed to test the destructive capabilities of each weapon and then somehow turn that into computer figures so that sophisticated software can determine the results of a thousand digital battles, which sounds about as fun as playing World of Warcraft as a tabletop game. So, I skipped that step and had the two combatants actually fight each other. By telling Ken that Bob was a dirty hippie, I was able to get him to attack Bob at a peace rally rehearsal he was holding to denounce all the weapons I had set up before hand. It’s now time to find out
(or is it lethalist? I don’t even remember, and without the voice of Faramir, it means nothing anyway. Just watch the video.)
You know, in the past it was always my dogs that chewed up the dolls and such. But I guess Tuff Stuff wanted to make her presence felt, by casually murdering Bob off screen. It was brutal, the only things I found were his pants and what I’m pretty sure was the part of his ass that said MADE IN CHINA on it. Was I surprised by the results? Well, I write stupid things for the Internet and posted a video on Youtube to do this article. What do you think?
Well, that’s our show, everyone. It didn’t turn out the way I originally thought it would, but it’s still better than Deadliest Warrior. Why? Because in my show, people actually died.
By Ben Adelman