Good evening TV viewers! Actually, that’s not technically true, since this isn’t airing on TV, even though it’s a beauty pageant, and they’re always on TV and they promised that this would be on TV….I WANT TO BE ON TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry about that, I had a moment. I’m Ryan Seacrest, and this is the First, Last, and Only Wives of King Henry VIII, king of England, Ireland, and France Beauty Pageant, sponsored by Coca-Cola and presented by Pepsi.
And I just killed myself trying to say that title.
Now, let’s introduce our judges! First, we have a simian made famous recently by the publishing of his amazing memoirs, and then promptly moved in with author Ben Adelman because he’s a mooch. Say hello to Michael Jackson’s Monkey!
Greetings, people of the audience who are not on TV. Oh cool, my words are being written as I say them. Hey o, howdy ho! I like music and licking Mo! Also, Ryan Seacrest is a giant………
Okay, I think that’s enough chatter from you, MJ’s monkey.
Moving on. Next up, we have a guy whose flamboyance is equal to none, a man who makes other people uncomfortable with his antics, a man whose very name says all you need to know about him, it’s Offensively Stereotypical Gay Man!
Hey everyone! I hope you all look absolutely fabulous this evening. I know I do, teeheehee. Oh my, Ryan Seacrest, you are such a studmuffin, come over here and give me some sugar, baby!
Umm…yea, umm, anyway, the last member of our panel is the man himself, the husband of all of these fine women we are about to see tonight, I give you the one, the only, King Henry VIII!
What the…….Where am I? Where’s my codpiece? Why is this man sitting next to me trying to feel my crotch?
That’s a good question. OSGM, stop that.
But he’s so delectable.
I will rent you limb from limb.
Okay, can we move on here? This would be fine if I was getting paid by the hour, but I’m not, so let’s get on with it. Now, our first contestant is real royalty, the daughter of King Ferdinand II of Spain and the only one of Henry’s wives to be of royal blood. She was also the first and longest wife of his, staying married for 25 years before Henry had their marriage annulled. She gave birth to six children, though only one survived past infancy: Bloody Mary Tudor. I give you……….Catherine of Aragon!
Well, the children ratio is not a good thing. And being a staunch Catholic at a time when King Henry was founding the Church of England isn’t good either. Plus, she’s wearing a tent on her head. 5.
Good Christ, what is she wearing? Opals mixed with pearls, magenta and yellow? 4.
In bed, she was like a cold fish, she prayed after every rendezvous like God was going to strike us down for having sex. It was very unsatisfying. 4.
All right, our next contestant is the second wife of Henry VIII. The daughter of Thomas Boleyn, 1st Earl of Wiltshire, this was the woman that the King of England pulled his realm out of the control of the Catholic Church for. She gave birth to Elizabeth I of England, and was married to the king for 4 years, before he had her executed for having sexual relations with her brother. I give you……Anne Boleyn!
Man, Elizabeth the First! She may have looked like a gopher bred with a horse’s ass, but she sure was good at ruling! Besides, those charges were trumped up because Anne didn’t give the king a son. 7.
That is a fabulous ensemble right there. The all black evening gown with the rose, simply breathtaking. Although I do have to take points off for the overusage of the chains, there is just gold everywhere. 7.
There’s a reason I beheaded her people, and it wasn’t because she slept with her brother (although that was pretty weird.) 2.
Next up, wife number 3. The daughter of Sir John Seymour, this lady birthed a son that survived past infancy, the future King Edward VI. Unfortunately, she paid for this with her life, as she died of post natal complications two weeks after the birth. I give you………Jane Seymour!
There’s a lot to be said about being buried next to the King and giving him a son and heir, even one that died at 15. I wonder if they would have stayed married if she hadn’t died so soon. 7.
What is with the face? It’s like she’s saying “Good God, did they empty the sewers early this week, or does the painter just have BO?” Love the necklace, hate the face. 6.
The best. Just, the best ever. 10.
On to wife number 4. The daughter of John, Duke of Cleves, This was an arranged marriage for territorial gain more than anything else. It was the shortest lived of the king’s marriages, lasting only 6 months. It was also never consummated. I give you……..Anne of Cleves!
Poor Anne. I need to give her some points just out of pity. 5.
Girl, where did you get that belt, because I want one. Just for the belt, you get 5. Everything else was kinda bad. 5.
She had…..funny smells in her…..regions. 0.
Yes, her regions. You know, her..private areas?
No I don’t know. Please do explain.
Well, what I mean is………you’re just baiting me, aren’t you.
I will slay you.
Go ahead and try.
MOVING ON! Next up is the fifth wife of King Henry. The daughter of….oh who cares at this point. She was the youngest of Henry’s wives, at just 17, and stayed married to him for two years before being executed for adultery, except this time she was actually guilty of the charges. I give you………Catherine Howard!
Eeew. Pedophilia much? You started boinking her when she was 17, and you were pushing 50? Just, eew.
You little monkey wretch! How dare you judge me?
I will judge you when it comes to statutory rape.
What? You’ve never heard of a May-December relationship?
Yes, I have. And I happen to think they’re eew.
I would just like to interrupt to tell you that she has great hair in that picture, despite the premature deflowering by a dirty old man.
That does it! Draw your sword, you scurvy knave!
UGGHHH! Put that away! What is wrong with you?
What? I thought you wanted to play tummy swords.
That does it. I’m not going to sit here, and have you critique my actions, which occurred 500 years ago, and then bloody FLASH me on top of it! I quit!
No wait, Henry come back!
I LOVE YOU!
You aren’t helping. Seriously, we have to get him back, we aren’t done yet.
I think he’s gone. He straight up disappeared.
Well, what did you expect? He’s a ghost.
Actually, he’s not. He’s just some crazy dude who actually thinks he’s the reincarnation of King Henry VIII.
Ooookay then. So, what do we do now?
Fine. Here’s Catherine Parr. Just rate her so we can go home.
That works for me. No one is paying attention anyway. So, that about wraps it up folks. Thanks for staying with us to the end of this travesty, and we hope you have a pleasant………LOOK OUT, HE’S GOT A SWORD!
So you did want to play tummy swords. Come here, you…….uh oh.
This is like the Croc Dundee thing all over again.
I’m going back to MTV, and the next time someone offers a freelance job, I’m going to tell them to fudge off.
Eek! Save me from the scary man!
LONG LIVE KING HENRY, MEANING ME!
By Ben Adelman