The human mind is a beautiful and dangerous thing. Capable of astounding revelation and world-changing deductive reasoning, the scope of human intelligence has forever determined the course of human history and the evolution of the species. Bearing this lofty assertion in mind, let us not forget that there is a flip-side to everything – especially human ingenuity. That being said, allow me to present you with a brief list of ten of the most useless wastes of human invention ever to grace our humble planet.
10. The Microphone Sponge
This little piece of porous yellow magic is a must-have for any shower-singing aficionado. Form meets function in one spectacularly silly concept. While this may not be the dumbest product on the market, the visual image is invokes is certain to illicit a few giggles. Personally, I’d like one of my own. Just sayin’.
9. Mustache Protector
It goes without saying that a proper mustache is deserving of respect and admiration. The rank of “Soup Strainer,” “Food Catcher” and “Flavor Saver” are hardly befitting of such a dashingly dignified show of manhood. The 1830’s brought about a breakthrough in mustache defense in the form of built-in guards for cups, spoons and bowls that would prevent the unfortunate meeting of mustaches and meals.
8. Cigarette Pack Holder
Advances in human health and well-being have grown by leaps and bounds since the mid-twentieth century, including the identification of some of the causes and contributing factors to such terrible afflictions as cancer and heart disease. In 1955, however, the link between cigarettes and the roughly 3,242,349,834,239,845 diseases they can cause had not yet been established. Smoking was, in fact, considered sexy and cool. Hence, a cigarette holder was invented that could hold AN ENTIRE PACK OF CIGARETTES, with the intention of smoking them ALL AT ONE TIME.
7. Wearable Dog House
According to the ASPCA, there are roughly 75 million dog owners in the United States. For those dedicated doggy lovers who simply can’t bear to be parted from their poochy pals, there is the Wearable Dog House. This…uhm…contraption straps around the shoulders and torso of the individual (human, that is) and provides a shelter for the dog. My personal opinion? A) Some people need serious help. B) My dog is huge. He would never fit in one of those.
6. Anti-Bandit Bag
This Gigantic Waste of Money was invented in 1963 by the esteemed John H.T. Rinfret. The entire purpose of the carrying case was to foil the attempted theft of personal papers and belongings. The problem? When the bag was snatched from the hand of the owner, a chain releases the bottom of the bag, dumping the contents on the ground. This bag offers about as much protection for your belongings as a pair of ass-less pants offers your tush against wicker furniture.
5. Cat Dusting Slippers
As a general rule, cats aren’t the best housekeepers. This leads me to believe that perhaps this invention is a blatant exercise in futility. Assuming that the cat doesn’t simply attempt to tear your face off while you strap the aforementioned dusters to her feet, she’ll mostly likely glare at you with seething hatred, barf on the rug and go take a nap on your clean laundry.
4. Beard Beanie
Ok. We’ve already had the mustache discussion, and the same rules apply for beards. Sadly, not all gentlemen are lucky enough to be able to cultivate a fine, proud beard of their own. For those unfortunate souls, there is the Beard Beanie. As silly as it may look, I not-so-secretly love this fantastic chapeau.
3. The Flowbee
Remember these? Everyone wishes they could be more self-sufficient, and in these desperate economic times, people look to cut expenses any way they can. The Flowbee offers an interesting option – trade your cstly stylist for a razor filled funnel attached to a vacuum cleaner. This could save you a ton of cash, as long as you don’t mind looking like you got in a fight with a weed eater and lost.
2. Venetian Blind Sunglasses
Making their appearance around 1950, this fantastically terrible fashion statement is not only useless, but has the overall effect of making the wearer look like a total toolbag. Somehow, through some evil fashion karma, these have seen a re-emergence into the modern wardrobe. It wasn’t pretty then, and it hasn’t gotten better with age. We can only hope that this style zombie returns to the grave.
1. The Reserve a Spot in Heaven Travel Kit
This gets the number one spot because it not only affects the Earthly realm, but the afterlife as well. Apparently, it is no longer necessary to lead a good clean life in the hopes of someday seeing the Pearly Gates. For the low, low price of $15.95, you can obtain a Ticket to Heaven, an all-access VIP Pass (you know, so you can get in all the cool parties), a guaranteed spot in the Book of Light, a laminated Heaven-Issued ID and a handy-dandy Heaven 101 guide book. Who knew it could be so simple? And to think of all the time we spend trying to be nice and not stab people…