Ever since large corporations realized that people will pay anything for their cherished childhood memories, action figures have been churned out at an alarming rate. Also alarming? Some of the action figures themselves. Here are ten of the weirdest.
#10) Albino Bowler
We’re not sure where Albino Bowler comes from, why he was created, or why he hit the market. Unless there’s some sort of children’s show about bowling and skin conditions we totally missed. Maybe he’s part of a team with the Psoriasis Striker and the Eczema Split.
#9) Rocky’s The Meat
Hey, remember the meat Rocky beat the crap out of, in the first movie? It has an action figure. This just has to be the result of a typo or something. Nobody seriously thought a packaged chunk of plastic meat would sell, right?
#8) Gay Bob
The appeal of this doll was…was…look, we’re not sure why these were even made, except that it was the ’70s and a lot of things seemed like a good idea that weren’t, OK? Like REO Speedwagon. Gay Bob has one up on Ken, at least, since they bothered to mold him a plastic dong.
#7) Soccer Spider-Man
This is part of a line called “Spider-Man Adventures”, which basically consist of putting Spider-Man into funny outfits like he was Ken or something. It’s hard to pick just one from this terrible line of toys, but the winner has to be Spider-Man playing soccer in booty shorts. Maybe after the game he’ll hook up with Gay Bob.
We’ll give the band credit: they don’t make you buy the whole band. Each figure comes with five interchangeable heads, one of their stupid hats, and, of course, a whip. Now if we could only figure out who actually bought this.
#5) The Zygon
We understand why this one was made, unlike the vast majority of these figures: everybody loves Doctor Who, or at least enough people that a Who figure line makes sense. But nobody saw this thing and said “Ya know, it looks kind of like a penis, covered with octopus suckers and a face?” That didn’t come up? Like, at all? Really?
#4) Sarah Palin
We’re apolitical on this one: you can form your own opinion about Sarah Palin and her policy stances.
What we’re not neutral on is how incredibly creepy this figure is. First of all, that’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Peggy Hill. Secondly, the fact that it comes with lots of sexy outfits, including as you may have noticed a schoolgirl one, makes us wonder who’s buying this and what they’re using it for.
No, actually, we don’t want to know what they’re using it for. We’re pretty sure we know already.
#3) George Lucas
So…there are at least three George Lucas action figures on the market. One from an old Star Wars line, one of George in a stormtrooper outfit, and one of older George Lucas (throat pouch not included). We’re guessing the popularity is due to making voodoo dolls, in which case, boy is it ever disappointing that those don’t work.
We’re not really sure what’s worse. The fact that there’s anybody who thinks a Hitler doll is a good idea, the fact that anybody actually bought the Hitler doll…or the fact that we found at least two of these, one of them for sale on Amazon. There is a market for Hitler toys, and apparently they command $450 a pop.
Yes, there is a God action figure. And apparently, God has decreed that the ’80s shall never end. And lo, the Lord did pop his collar and insist that Huey Lewis and the News should still be working, and so it was. And the Lord decreed that Tron should get a sequel, and so it was. Then the Lord decreed that parachute pants return, but that failed, because there are some things even God can’t make people do twice.
By Dan Seitz