by Will Conley
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D hits theaters today. In case you haven’t heard of the film, it’s a remake of the hit 1999 sci-fi classic, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 2D.
Like the original, the remake features all your favorite characters engaging in such crackling dialog as:
“I vote to impeach Natalie Portman. If you know what I mean.”
“Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, something about trade routes, yadda yadda, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”
We at This Blog Rules feel that this re-release is exactly what the Star Wars franchise needs, and that there will be many surprises in this new, more three-dimensional-y version of the movie you saw and previously didn’t like because you are an ignorant donkey.
But those of you who pay close attention to Things Happening Around You may be aware that Episode I gets a lot of flack from armchair movie critics who have never been in a real pod race and would therefore have no real-world knowledge on which to base their cruel and accurate criticisms of the film.
Critics, if you’re reading, we are all sick and tired of your unfair objections to your having been let down in such an expensive fashion by Episode I. Now, we don’t expect you to change your closed, fascist mind, but we want you to know we’ve got George Lucas’ back, and we’re here to defend his honor.
So without further ado, here are the top ten reasons to shell out $16 to see Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D today:
10. Jar Jar Binks!
He’s so great. Always with the much-needed comic relief, coming in right on time, after minutes upon minutes of that adorable and lovable little Darth Vader fella. We all love Jar Jar, and now you can see his delightful Jamaican accent pop right out of the screen and hit you right in the pain.
9. That lovable little Darth Vader fella. We all love Anakin almost as much as we all love that Jar Jar. Relive the magic, the excitement, the unparalleled disappointment of seeing your favorite sci-fi movie icon be revealed as an adorable do-nothing. See Anakin’s flatness in all three dimensions!
8. That delectable piece of jail bait Natalie Portman!
Natalie Portman may have aged four years between our favorite professional-hit-man-gallantly-resists-boning-Lolita movie Leon: The Professional and Episode I, but you know damn well that beneath all those royal alien robes and that sweet hairdo, Queen Amygdala or whatever is still little Mathilda, smoking a cigarette and seducing Frenchmen, forever. In three-dee, biyotch!
7. Samuel L. Jackson! That’s right, Samuel “Bad Muthaflucka” Jackson is in Episode I. But you knew that. George Lucas sure made use of Jackson’s Pulp Fiction badassery to the emptiest, ensuring that Jackson’s inimitable personality would have a snowball’s chance in hell of gracing the 2D screen with its electricity. Rendered in 3D, Jackson’s performance will be sure to pop like a soaking wet pop-up book about knitting.
6. Drawing a blank here. I know there are many fine reasons to watch this old-but-not-nearly-old-enough-to-warrant-yet-another-repackaging, criminally sacrilegious excuse for a Star Wars prequel — or else I wouldn’t have started writing this article. Just, it’s tough to choose from all the good reasons. Good reasons like…see? I’m just feeling overwhelmed, is all. Bear with me.
5. It’s a great date movie for people who don’t know about things that are great. Don’t focus too hard on the actual movie. Try to look on the bright side. It’s really about the total experience. And seriously? You look fanfluckingtastic in 3D glasses. I kid you not. Look at you. Just saying. And movie theater popcorn still costs less than a slightly used yacht! And if you sit somewhere in the back of the theater, you’ll probably not get all that dizzy, and throw up all that much, causing your date to switch seats to a galaxy far, far away all that fast.
Buck up, kid. Whatever your reasons for coming to see the new-old-old Star Wars prequel, there’s always tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. It’s about the anticipation. And the repackaging. And mostly the repackaging.
But as movies can be repackaged, so can emotions. So shake up that bottle of Slightly Conscious you’ve been saving for a rainy movie, pick a seat where you won’t have more than a few seizures, throw on those snazzy-looking 3D glasses, slip an arm around your culturally brain-dead special friend, close your eyes, and enjoy the show.
4. E.T.! A whole three of them!
During a scene in the Senate, you see a shot of three E.T.’s hanging out in one of those Democracy Hovercrafts of Intergalactic Justice. With three E.T.’s in 3D, it’ll be like you can see into the ninth dimension! And see into the past — the very early 1980s, to be exact! It’s a piece of cross-generational, focus-group-inspired marketing that makes the run-up to the movie all that more exciting — as your friends who have already seen the movie will tell you all about it.
E.T. is in it! they’ll say. Except they’ll say it over a decade ago, before Hating Star Wars Prequels was a cottage industry. So the word-of-mouth won’t have quite the same effect as it once did. But still, think of it as hipster vintage word-of-mouth! It’s like regular word-of-mouth, but ironic.
Anyway, if you thought the E.T. scene was mindblowingly Whut! in 2D, nothing will prepare you for the incredible I know, but really, whut? of this scene.
3. The pod race. Did you know “pod race” is Espagnol for “fathers”? “Luke, we are your pod race.” Spanish immersion! Thank you, thank you.*
2. The economy needs your $16. Also, buy the t-shirt, which reads:
I saw an online bootleg copy of The Phantom Menace. I saw it in 2D when it first came out in the theaters; on DVD for the sake of continuity during a Star Wars movie marathon at my mom’s house; and on Blu-Ray because I wanted to see why everyone was hating on the changes George Lucas made. I finally saw it in 3D at a theater for $16 today. And all I got was this lousy t-shirt and a bad case of the Mondays and mortally stabbed myself in the nad with a bendy straw on purpose.
1. You might as well get it over with.
Will Conley only pretends to hate things for a living. Enjoy the film.
* The management is not responsible for any weak puns that may have bludgeoned your unarmed mind in the making of this article.