Over the last couple of decades we have been treated to a great many awesome video game characters. However, we have also had to suffer perhaps some of the most annoying characters ever created (in video games or otherwise). I therefore present to you a tentative list of the most infuriating video game characters known to man, woman or beast (yes, your cat’s in a top tier raiding guild, didn’t you know?)
1. Any Non-player Character Involved in Any Kind of Escort Quest Ever
“Oh boy, a giant group of enemy mobs. I better go over and say hi. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”
Particularly bad in MMORPGs. They typically lack any sense of self preservation and will heroically charge into groups of particularly multitudinous or powerful enemies which neither you nor they have much chance of defeating (or alternatively aggro them all before happily bending over to take the subsequent punishment). Did I also mention that they usually have less HP than a typical low level magic user? Truly rage-inducing.
2. Amy Rose (the Sonic the Hedgehog Series)
One of the first of many unnecessary peripheral characters that were introduced to the Sonic series, Amy is actually quite creepy. A bright pink hedgehog with a massive hammer, she’s slow and weak and essentially stalks Sonic, declaring herself to be his girlfriend to anyone who’ll listen (and even those who don’t). Since restraining orders don’t seem to exist in Mobius, it looks like Sonic is stuck with her.
Still, I suppose she’s not as irritatingly broody as Shadow, who perhaps requires guns to cement his arguably questionable masculinity (I mean, why else would he need them?).
3. Navi (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
I don’t think this classic needs much explaining.
For a truly immersive experience head to YouTube and look her up.
4. Zoe Castillo (Dreamfall: The Longest Journey)
Initially Zoë is a lazy, quietly spoiled and jobless university dropout… and this doesn’t change much throughout the course of the game (and as if to try and make up for this fact, Funcom seems to try and endear her to us by having us first control her in skimpy nightwear… which she has previously been too lazy to change out of). Irritatingly boring and largely clueless, she seems to cling to her ex-boyfriend for no apparent reason (he’s not exactly that special or interesting) and sets off on a quest to find him when he goes missing (it’s something for her to do, I guess). Along the way she falls in love with Damien Cavanaugh, an equally bland character, with whom she shares one of the most awkward and horrifically clipping video game kisses of all time (and after only a day or so of knowing him, the hussy). Her only real saving grace is her pet robot gorilla Wonkers, whose personality and charm easily rivals her own.
It’s also difficult to not resent the fact that the previous game’s protagonist April Ryan has suddenly become uncharacteristically whingey and withdrawn in Dreamfall, and to emphasise her newfound TRAGIC DARKNESS has taken on the disgustingly Sue-ish name of Raven. Eugh.
5. Moira Brown (Fallout 3)
Best known for sending you on experimental missions that would probably be suicidal if you were not the main character, Moira’s sporadic Irish accent and general eccentricity (which Bethesda might have intended to be endearing at the time of her creation) can get rather grating. Additionally even if you blow up Megaton you’re still not rid of her as she comes back as a ghoul and continues to ply her trade regardless. However, the fact that you could get the aptly named Dream Crusher perk from refusing to help with the writing of her Wasteland Survival Guide was, admittedly, a nice touch.
THREEEEEEEE-DAAAAWGGGGG gets an honourable mention. Less talk, more music. In fact, three real dogs might DJ better than you. WHERE’S DOGMEAT?
6. Carth Onasi (Knights of the Old Republic)
If Carth frequently looking “troubled” wasn’t warning enough of his impending issue explosion then I don’t know what was. The token male love interest of the game, his cheesy chat up lines would probably drive even the most desperately xenophilic Hutt away.
Regardless of gender you had to put up with his constant nagging, and it all kicked off when you found his precious son Dustil training to be a Sith on Korriban (it’s also worth noting that it’s very easy to accidentally kill him if you manage to upset the rest of the Sith there). Bioware appeared to like Carth so much that they put him in Mass Effect too, only they slyly renamed him Kaidan Alenko so no one would notice (the wily scoundrels).
7. Yukari Takeba (Persona 3)
Stuck up, whiny and with more daddy issues than you can shake a Freud textbook at, Yukari has trouble even summoning her own Persona (come on, how hard is it to point something that looks for all intents and purposes like a gun at your own head and pull the trigger?).
Bitchy and popular, you need to max out your Charm stat (is it just me who finds the concept of Pheromone Coffee kind of odd?) before you can even get anywhere near her. Out of all the potential love interests in the game, Yukari’s issues and general demeanour easily makes her the least attractive option. Take my advice: go hang out with your bro Junpei instead.
8. Lethys (Black and White)
Having just got vaguely settled (read: gathered all the cows that survived you putting them through the vortex) in Land 2 after the relative peace and quiet of the previous land (well, until it gets torched, of course), you’re introduced to the friendly god Khazar. While he himself is rather annoying, he does help you out a fair bit (even if he does steal your trees sometimes, the git). Lethys is the one you need to watch out for. Getting in your face to gloat (his voice is uniquely painful to hear) at seemingly random moments while sending his creature to wail on yours and your villages, he even goes as far as to kill your new friend and steal your creature before fleeing through a vortex to the next land.
After rescuing your creature and taking all but his last village he pleads for his life; the only possible reason for sparing him here is the effort required in taking over the thing.
9. Lepers & Beggars (Assassin’s Creed)
Thought you could go about your business as an assassin relatively unmolested by the general public unless you draw attention to yourself? Think again. Those poor, frail lepers can shove you a surprising distance, while the beggar women get in your face pleading for coins as if their lives depended on it (oh wait…)
Getting too rough with them can result in a loss of sync (unless you grab them first, oddly), but it’s only you that any of them ever harass (and sometimes they manage to pitch you into a group of guards if they’re especially excited).
10. The Adoring Fan (Oblivion)
AWESOME, I HAVE MY VERY OWN FAN. Wait.
This isn’t very awesome at all. If only you could give him some fashion advice or something (killing him is always an option, of course). On the plus side, he’s happy to let you commit as many crimes as you want. After all, you’re the Grand Champion; how could anything you do possibly be wrong?
11. Oerba Dia Vanille (Final Fantasy XIII)
Despite being over five hundred years old, Vanille manages to act like a small, irritating (but calculatingly legal) child. Clearly intended to be the game’s main dose of fan service with her skimpy outfit, “cute” demeanour (extremely dependent on personal opinion) and her l’Cie brand being up her skirt (was that really necessary, Squeenix?), her position as FFXIII’s main narrator makes her even more infuriating (especially as her accent seems to fluctuate between Australian and several others at random despite the actress originally being from Melbourne). I mean, Hope’s whingeyness was kind of annoying but seriously: get out of my party.
12. Yun-seong (the Soul Series)
“I’m on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiire!”
Need I say more? Oh yeah.
And he’s ginger.
13. Princess Peach (the Super Mario Series)
Damn it, woman. Try not to get kidnapped all the time; you’re setting a bad example. No wonder they introduced Daisy (who is, in fact, similarly annoying).
14. Sora (the Kingdom Hearts Series)
Somewhat gullible and painfully positive in almost all circumstances (I’m not bitter, shut up), Sora is the perfect Disney protagonist. His being accompanied by Donald and Goofy at all times probably adds to his irritating character quota; their extremely happy go lucky natures and general ineptitude in combat can often be the cause of a good deal of frustration (though having said that, I’ll admit that the Kingdom Hearts version of Mickey Mouse is pretty badass). Additionally we all know he’d prefer Riku to Kairi any day (we have no problem with this, but just wish he’d come to terms with the fact).
15. Gary Oak (the Pokémon Series)
Also known as the rival (or Blue or Red, depending on which copy of the game you had), Gary stops you from getting a crummy town map just for the sake of it before turning up at every town first and getting every badge before you, taunting and insulting you at every turn. Who would think that the otherwise awesome Professor Oak would have such an irritating little git as a grandson? However, it’s also implied that you at least had a hand in killing his Raticate; following its mysterious disappearance fans theorise that he returns to Lavender Town in order to bury it. You monster.
Ella is hoping that she doesn’t encounter any characters that make her want to hurl her shiny new 3DS across the room as it would be a waste of money. She also posits that PC gaming is largely superior to that found on consoles, and is now going to hide under her desk in order to avoid the subsequent backlash this claim may induce.