Talk Like a Pirate Day may have been and gone, but pop culture’s love affair with pirates is still going strong (ew, a half rhyme). While there were a great many awesome pirates throughout history that actually existed, you can’t deny that there are just as many equally cool ones who didn’t. As such, here is a list of what might possibly be the best pirates to never sail the seven seas.
5. Captain Pugwash
Captain Pugwash first appeared in a comic strip all the way back in 1950, securing his own BBC cartoon series seven years later. Pugwash himself is perhaps not the most efficient pirate, but he is certainly one of the more lovable. Bumbling, cowardly and more than a little stupid, it’s hard not to forgive him for his foolishness (even if it is at the expense of long-suffering cabin boy Tom). If you want a whimsical slice of nautical life with no anchors attached then you can’t go far wrong with a bit of Pugwash (which, while the majority of the double entendre accusations are mere urban legend, just so happens to be a slang term for oral sex in Australia).
4. Captain Barbossa
Despite Johnny Depp’s now legendary portrayal, let’s forget Jack Sparrow for a moment. If you think about it (and look past Mr Depp’s seasickeningly good looks), Hector Barbossa really is the superior pirate. He certainly knows how to dress to impress; replete with oversized hats and bling (his coat buttons are apparently made from recast Incan silver) he is certainly pretty pimpin’ (as a person more hip than myself might say, anyway). Skilled in all manner of piratey talents, he is a worthy rival for Jack and an interesting spin on the stereotypical old sea dog for us viewers.
3. Guybrush Threepwood
The protagonist of the Monkey Island series. While not as good of a pirate as he might like to think, Guybrush Ulysses Threepwood is still an undeniably worthy addition to this list. Fans of the series watched him grow from gawky adolescent pirate wannabe (whose main talent was being able to hold his breath for ten minutes) to a razor sharp-witted swashbuckler (if you count Insult Swordfighting as buckling swash). With a multitude of highly memorable and funny lines, you’ll be hard pressed to find an adventure game fan who wouldn’t want to set sail with Guybrush.
Sky pirate and all around badass, Balthier is the leading man and he knows it. Having been compared to the likes of Pirates of Caribbean’s Jack Sparrow and even James Bond, he is easily one of the Final Fantasy series’ most widely acclaimed characters. Piloting his airship the Strahl with Fran, his viera companion, he repeatedly insists – and appears to prove – that his leading man status makes him invincible. During the development of Final Fantasy XII he was, in fact, almost made the main character. Additionally you have to admit: you’d much rather go for a drink with Balthier than Vaan.
1. Long John Silver
Arguably one of the best known pirates of all time. Once quartermaster under the notorious Captain Flint (whom he subsequently named his parrot after), the peg legged Silver acts as a mentor and father figure to Treasure Island protagonist Jim Hawkins (which makes his eventual mutiny all the more heart-wrenching). Responsible for establishing the traditional pirate look with the aforementioned accessories (plus hat), perhaps one of his more interesting contemporary portrayals is as a cyborg in Disney’s 2002 film Treasure Planet. The undisputed pirate king.
Ella is in no way suggesting that you may meet a handsome pirate of your own on a Kenwood Caribbean holiday, but it’d never hurt to try.