Top Five Worst Vampires

Vampires are back and bigger than ever, unfortunately largely due to what might be considered by some (come on, I’m sure I’m not alone here) to be rather unfavorable depictions. Vampires used to be scary, badass or just plain mean, and we were okay with that. But times have changed. Do we really want our children to grow up in a world where vampires are the pansies of the supernatural stable, sparkling in the sunlight and drinking down more angst than red stuff? I think not. I mean, your grandma would probably be able to steal the majority of today’s vampires’ blood money without a second thought. In short, today’s vampires suck, and not in a good way. Ready your stakes; it’s time to perform some mercy-slayings.

1. Edward Cullen (the Twilight saga)

The worst of the worst by far. A sparkly-skinned stalker whose capacity for angst knows no bounds, Edward spends the majority of his screen (and page) time mooning over Bella for no good reason (seriously, what’s so special about her?) Like her, he has few flaws (or at least those referred to in the narrative; I could give you plenty), conveniently embodying every tweenage girl’s fantasy.

Still, at least Robert Pattinson knows the truth, saying that when he read Twlight he “was convinced Stephenie [Meyer] was convinced she was Bella and it was like it was a book that wasn’t supposed to be published. It was like reading her sexual fantasy… sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing.”

“Thing” is definitely the right word, Robert. Good luck on rebuilding your life post-Twilight.

2. Bill Compton (True Blood)

First off, let me point out that True Blood is essentially Twilight for adults. That said, Bill is pretty much a grown up Edward Cullen. While not quite so limp (no, that’s not what I meant), he exhibits the same propensity for angst and painstakingly avoids drinking human blood (admittedly the True Blood drink itself was kind of a good idea, but still.) Him and his squeeze Ms. Stackhouse also have the same weird “Why can’t I read your mind?!” thing going on between them as Edward and Bella (albeit with the genders reversed). And if I hear him say “SOOKEH” one more time…

3. Kraven (Underworld)

In short, a whiny little piece of guano.

The only survivor of a huge battle between vampires and werewolves, he was strategically offered power, glory and, most important, his prolonged unlife (“craven” does mean cowardly, after all) if he promised to claim that the leader of the Lycans was dead. Somehow managing to claw his way to the top of the vampire hierarchy (certainly not with his raw charisma), he gets repeatedly rejected by protagonist Selene before ultimately getting slain by the one remaining vampire elder he just happened to be about to attempt to assassinate. Also he has this utterly hilarious angry/pouting/serious face he likes to pull; watch any scene with him in it and chances are you’ll see it.

4. Harmony Kendall (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

A spoiled little rich girl turned vampire. Yes, it’s really as horrifying as it sounds. Admittedly Harmony is meant to be – and is – quite funny, rather than being unintentionally laughter-inducing like the rest of this list.

With her obsession with unicorns, her misguided relationship with “blondie-bear” (that’s Spike to you and me) and the way in which she fights by kicking shins and pulling hair (who can forget her epic “battle” with Xander in The Initiative?), Harmony would have been dusted several times over if not for various other characters’ timely interventions.

5. Louis de Pointe du Lac (Interview with the Vampire)

Arguably the original broody vampire. After spending some time as an almost equally broody human, Louis is turned into a vampire by Lestat (who knows what he saw in him), promptly refusing to feed from humans and instead languishing under layer after layer of hardcore existential angst.

If nothing else, Anne Rice can be credited with sowing the (decidedly gothic) seeds for the majority of popular modern vampire mythos… plus at the end of day (night?) Lestat is a pretty amusing character (hey, at least he’s not a wimp like Louis). In the exasperated words of his sire: “Still whining, Louis?”

Ella is hoping that none of the upcoming 3DS games feature any sorry excuses for bloodsuckers, for then not even glasses free stereoscopic 3D will save them from her merciful wrath.

Comments

  1. I’d just like to point out that, while I completely agree with this list and hate the fuck out of Bill and Sookie, True Blood is not at all “Twillight for adults”.
    True Blood is about blood, sex, violence, and how people deal with the introduction of a new species (or several) into their lives.
    Since you clearly just don’t like anything with vampires, and have probably only watched a few episodes of True Blood, I won’t blame you for thinking so.
    Twillight is about always having a boyfriend.

  2. Kevin, clearly you are upset by the fact that True Blood, that “awesome” (HAHA) show is on this list. I won’t blame you for thinking so, but I’d like to point out that these characters have little in common with the original vampire, Dracula (if anthing at all besides the pointy canines and the love for blood).

    P.S. How often are you introduced to a new species in your everyday life? Just curious.

  3. well…. I’ve got to admit I enjoyed reading twilight, although its plot quite ridiculous and sappy. Yeah, bella’s so ordinary and lacking in personality her character has a kind of “insert reader’s personality here” thing which makes the reader feel like he/she is experiencing the flattering and adventurous story which is having two tame and beautiful monsters love you unconditionally, and fight over you.

    True blood i didn’t even enjoy, it was as ridiculous as twilight, but somehow less attractive since it tries so hard to overcome its inherent gayness of a plot by adding random sex scenes, violence and blood… watched quite a few episodes and was pretty disgusted. Doesn’t serve as a stupid romance (like twilight) or a proper supernatural/horror/action series… in my opinion, ofc ^^

    ….Interview with a Vampire…. was a good read. Never watched the movie, but it probably doesn’t deserve to be in this list, unless the movie version failed miserably (which is quite possible, knowing the movie industry..)

    Harmony :P… i lol’d whenever she showed up, she was quite amusingly retarded…. but im pretty sure she was meant to be like that..
    Kraven, gotta agree as well…

  4. All I gotta say for the Anne Rice book enthusiasts who haven’t bothered watching the movies and are going wtf, why is louie on this list… Louie sucked in the movies. And he was the weakest of the vamps in the novels. He didn’t deserve to be on the list except the movie f*d it up. So… 🙂

  5. I agreed w/ Twilight….it had ruined vampires 🙁
    Just started watching True Blood so I can’t quite comment on it, even though I feel like I’ll tolerate it at most…
    Never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Kraven was well…at least he had killing intent…
    As for Louis, yes he’s the quintesential emo pretty boy, but he does feed on humans, in the beginning he had trouble w/ it, but eventually he did, only he would starve himself to the point of insanity and then he would attack anyone regardless of gender, age or morality…unlike others…

  6. You seem to know a lot about these tv shows and movies you claim to be lame. Perhaps sappy, brooding vampires is you guilty pleasure.

  7. True Blood is awesome, and if anything Twilight ripped it off. True Blood is based on novels that were published waaaaayy before that stephenie mayer bullshit. I don’t like sookie, but Bill is nothing like Edward Cullen, it’s quite far-fetched. And I don’t really understand all the hatred for Robert Pattinson, it was a really really reee-heeee-aaaally lame role but I’m pretty sure he knew that from the beginning.

  8. Honestly, one of the worst casting jobs was Tom Cruise as Lestat. Wrong body type and played VERY badly. Sting would have been a much better choice both physically and as the character actor. At least Brad did a decent job of playing Louis.

  9. Here’s the thing about Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice wrote the script and hand picked the actors. In an interview, Rice was even gushing about how Cruise was exactly what she saw in her mind; he had everything she was looking for in an actor.

  10. Thanks for the article! Very interesting to read, and well made. And, yeah, even if it is a pain to admit it, Robert Pattinson could be right sometimes.
    (although I cannot clearly see the “sexual” in this “sexual fantasy” of hers… The Twilight books made me the same effect as some oversized marshmallows : tasteless, too honeyed, sickening. So long for the subversive background that every “respectable” vampire should carry!)

    By the way, if you have enough guts, behold the horrors the name of “Dracula” is an excuse to do in my wonderful country… Francophiles and french speakers, beware ! To the other ones, consider how lucky you are to live away from that…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_aKztDgCrI

    I’m pretty sure Bram Stoker would break his bones if he got to turn in his grave like that.

  11. Louie should have been higher up on the list. In the book it states Lestat “picked” him for his property, but I guess Lestat shouldn’t have been so hasty. In the book Louie is insufferable, almost as bad as Lestat when he drones on and on in the second novel.

    I also think Sookie should have been on the list. At least Bill was dedicated (gag), Sookie hops back and forth between guys like a *cough*. I’m even getting tired of her in the book series.

    And Kraven was lame sauce.

  12. While I generally agree with this post, I take two issues with it:

    (a) Harmony does not belong in the list. The way I see it, this list tries to explain where the vampire genre has gone wrong. Buffy was never about the vampires, though, and Harmony is obviously a comical character who should not be taken seriously. If the list were about vampires that suck at being vampires, she’d deserve the spot. As it is, she did nothing to harm the genre. Her entire existence is just a joke.

    (b) Why should vampires remain the same as they were in the 1920s? I’m sure it would’ve got old by now if all vampires were like Dracula or Nosferatu. I have no problem with the development of a genre — as long as it’s done properly. “Interview With a Vampire” is a brilliant book, and I find Louis to be an intriguingly conflicted character. He’s not bad-ass because he’s not meant to be — but he works perfectly as a vampire. Same goes for Eli from “Let the Right One In” — just because it doesn’t stick to the old rules, that doesn’t mean it’s not an excellent vampire story. I’m all for reinventing a genre — that’s what keeps it alive. It’s when the reinvention loses focus (e.g. with Edward Cullen, who shouldn’t even be called a vampire) that things start to go wrong.

  13. Twilight really did just seem like the death of vampires. Ive read the books and seen one movie, and to this day cannot figure our what compelled me to.. it was like a virus.

    Haven’t seen any True Blood, and if I’m going to watch anything with blood in the name, I’ll go back to the anime Blood+.

    I have yet to see or read interview all the way through, but I loved Queen of the damned.

    As for Kraven… He was a bit of a bitch, but seeing him die was great.

    Buddy fails overall, not just her… lol.

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