Vampires are back and bigger than ever, unfortunately largely due to what might be considered by some (come on, I’m sure I’m not alone here) to be rather unfavorable depictions. Vampires used to be scary, badass or just plain mean, and we were okay with that. But times have changed. Do we really want our children to grow up in a world where vampires are the pansies of the supernatural stable, sparkling in the sunlight and drinking down more angst than red stuff? I think not. I mean, your grandma would probably be able to steal the majority of today’s vampires’ blood money without a second thought. In short, today’s vampires suck, and not in a good way. Ready your stakes; it’s time to perform some mercy-slayings.
1. Edward Cullen (the Twilight saga)
The worst of the worst by far. A sparkly-skinned stalker whose capacity for angst knows no bounds, Edward spends the majority of his screen (and page) time mooning over Bella for no good reason (seriously, what’s so special about her?) Like her, he has few flaws (or at least those referred to in the narrative; I could give you plenty), conveniently embodying every tweenage girl’s fantasy.
Still, at least Robert Pattinson knows the truth, saying that when he read Twlight he “was convinced Stephenie [Meyer] was convinced she was Bella and it was like it was a book that wasn’t supposed to be published. It was like reading her sexual fantasy… sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing.”
“Thing” is definitely the right word, Robert. Good luck on rebuilding your life post-Twilight.
2. Bill Compton (True Blood)
First off, let me point out that True Blood is essentially Twilight for adults. That said, Bill is pretty much a grown up Edward Cullen. While not quite so limp (no, that’s not what I meant), he exhibits the same propensity for angst and painstakingly avoids drinking human blood (admittedly the True Blood drink itself was kind of a good idea, but still.) Him and his squeeze Ms. Stackhouse also have the same weird “Why can’t I read your mind?!” thing going on between them as Edward and Bella (albeit with the genders reversed). And if I hear him say “SOOKEH” one more time…
3. Kraven (Underworld)
In short, a whiny little piece of guano.
The only survivor of a huge battle between vampires and werewolves, he was strategically offered power, glory and, most important, his prolonged unlife (“craven” does mean cowardly, after all) if he promised to claim that the leader of the Lycans was dead. Somehow managing to claw his way to the top of the vampire hierarchy (certainly not with his raw charisma), he gets repeatedly rejected by protagonist Selene before ultimately getting slain by the one remaining vampire elder he just happened to be about to attempt to assassinate. Also he has this utterly hilarious angry/pouting/serious face he likes to pull; watch any scene with him in it and chances are you’ll see it.
4. Harmony Kendall (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
A spoiled little rich girl turned vampire. Yes, it’s really as horrifying as it sounds. Admittedly Harmony is meant to be – and is – quite funny, rather than being unintentionally laughter-inducing like the rest of this list.
With her obsession with unicorns, her misguided relationship with “blondie-bear” (that’s Spike to you and me) and the way in which she fights by kicking shins and pulling hair (who can forget her epic “battle” with Xander in The Initiative?), Harmony would have been dusted several times over if not for various other characters’ timely interventions.
5. Louis de Pointe du Lac (Interview with the Vampire)
Arguably the original broody vampire. After spending some time as an almost equally broody human, Louis is turned into a vampire by Lestat (who knows what he saw in him), promptly refusing to feed from humans and instead languishing under layer after layer of hardcore existential angst.
If nothing else, Anne Rice can be credited with sowing the (decidedly gothic) seeds for the majority of popular modern vampire mythos… plus at the end of day (night?) Lestat is a pretty amusing character (hey, at least he’s not a wimp like Louis). In the exasperated words of his sire: “Still whining, Louis?”
Ella is hoping that none of the upcoming 3DS games feature any sorry excuses for bloodsuckers, for then not even glasses free stereoscopic 3D will save them from her merciful wrath.