There are many ways to suffer a horrible evening and there are two particular fears of mine; being stuck somewhere alone with Tom Cruise or being forced to watch Mission Impossible. So which one would be worse? It looks like it is going to be a close one to call but let’s see if we can work it out.
The Boredom Factor
You would think that a multi millionaire actor who has worked with some of the most famous people on the planet and
travelled all over the place would be interesting, wouldn’t you? So why does Tom Cruise Mapother IV seem so dull? He just seems to be like a cardboard cutout person who only exists in his films, doesn’t he? I get the feeling that I wouldn’t be quite so bored watching Mission Impossible, mainly because of its so-bad-it’s-almost-but-not-quite-funny factor. I saw a little bit of it once and it was so unbelievably horrible that I started to laugh, just like I used to do with those old B-movies where the sets wobbled and you could see the normal shoes peeking out from under the monsters’ costumes.
This is a point for the film I think, although I could live to regret it.Then I stopped laughing. This is the stage where boredom is likely to set in quickly. The bit I saw was one of those hackneyed, drawn out fight sequences where the bad guy died and the good guy turned away triumphantly. Oh look, he’s
not dead and now he’s killed the good guy. Except he’s not. Yawn.
The Awkward Bits
I honestly don’t know what I would talk about with Tom. For a start, you would want to avoid any mention of the taboo subjects – his height, Nicole Kidman, religion, Penelope Cruz, his abusive father, the fact he is so short, Katie Holmes, jumping the couch on Oprah, his movie flops, the fact he is so unpopular, that other women he was married to and the fact that he isn’t very tall. So what does that leave us with, apart from a whole lot of awkward silences? Mission Impossible isn’t in itself awkward but what would happen if a friend or relative wandered in while you were watching it? They might glance at the screen then turn back to you but you would know that the little wheels in their head were turning round; I saw Tom Cruise on the screen but it wasn’t Minority Report or that weird one with Penelope and a face mask which no one will admit they didn’t understand more than 5 minutes of. Oh my god! He’s watching Mission Impossible. At his age. The shame.
To be honest I would rather risk someone catching me watching this drivel than have to sit in an awkward silence wondering if Tom had noticed that I inadvertently ordered a “short of vodka” instead of a shot.
The Really Bad Bits
You would be trying to avoid it all night, wouldn’t you? Any time the conversation got too close to religion you would deftly change the subject to talk about sports or fighter jets or something else he probably isn’t interested in. The
moment would come though. A second’s lapse and you would leave the door open for scientology to creep into the conversation like an unwelcome slug in the cabbage patch that is your life. After this there would be no turning back and before long you would both be sitting down in John Travolta’s living room discussing the life and works of L Ron
Hubbard. As for the film’s worst bits, I risked a peek at an online review and it talks
about some sort of action sequence on top of a train which just sounds woeful, as does the motorbike part. Is it better than hanging out with Travolta and having to watch Battlefield Earth over and over again? Probably but only just.
The film wins again and romps to a surprise victory.